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Self Assessments- Retarded In The Workplace, But CROOSH In The Gym

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Those boots lack straps- luckily, she's got one in her hand.

For anyone who's been a longtime fan of this blog, you're fully aware of my belief in bootstrapping for any and all lifters, no matter how neophytic.  The reason for this is because I am unaware of the existence of any human being who has amounted to anything worth talking about from just having followed orders, be it in the gym, 
on the battlefield, or in the workplace.  Free thought and the desire to individualize one's actions and persona should be held as dearly to you as your girlfriend hold her pocket rocket or rabbit- you should be screaming and foaming at the mouth while raining down blows on anyone who would have the audacity to strip them from you.


This is what half of Reddit and all of Bodybuilding.com looks like.

It occurs to me, however, that many people suffer from analysis paralysis and that they are more or less reduced to a 2003 Christopher Reeve when they enter the gym, as they've had programming crammed down their throats like they're an 18 year old coke head in an interracial porn every time they have watched television or read a magazine about lifting- commercials and ads constantly exhort you to avoid "wasting your time" in the gym and to adopt whatever program is in vogue to do so.  Here's a newsflash- the only way you're wasting your time in the gym is if you're not exerting yourself.  Any workout at all done with the requisite effort is far superior to what most assholes do- print out a program and then phone in all of their workouts, as they've not actually considered the whys and wherefores of the program.  


Before you call bullshit and claim you know people who try hard and achieve no results, I will tell you unequivocally that

  1. that's not possible, and 
  2. even a shitty workout regime done enthusiastically over time will yield heaps more benefits than a "great" program, simply because the lifter in the shitty program will, if they stick with it, eventually develop the ability to program for themselves. At some point, they'll have tried everything under the sun, they'll certainly know what won't work, and they'll likely have a lot of insight into what does work.  Additionally, they'll know what their repetition/set sweet spot is (I'll cover this later), which is invaluable knowledge.  Thus, their time has not been wasted- it's been wholly consumed with research, rather than development.

Frankly, I don't give a shit what metaphor helps you- whether it's Jesus and the "teach a man to fish" story or Baron Munchhausen pulling himself out of a swamp by his own hair, you should be figuring shit out for yourself in the gym.  Again, however, the ugly problems rears its head like the singer Seal crawling out of an open sewer that most people aren't sure how to go about self-assessment, much less self-determination.  While the latter is going to have to wait for a week when I have nothing to do but write, self-assessment should be pretty easy for any of you with an ounce of introspective ability.  As such, I will teach you how to assess your own form and modify it by using myself as an example.




The Squat

My squat, clearly, is hardly a weak point, though that is no reason not to tweak it.  Over the last couple of years, that lift was increased pretty dramatically for me, due in part to new training methods and in part to modifying my form.  My form went through two different assessments in four years as I strove to make gains and to work through pain issues.  The first time, I noticed some pain in my right knee occasionally when squatting.  That being a rather major sign that something is amiss, I started playing with the width of my feet and the angle of my feet to try to alleviate that pain.  I did not, repeat DID NOT, consult with any internet message board for tips- comments about back rounding and "butt wink" are NEVER useful.  I did, however, check through Pubmed and a couple of powerlifting books to see if I could find any clues there.  Both resources were useless, but I quickly found that spreading my stance wider and pointing my toes forward alleviated the pain and allowed me to sit back far further than I'd ever done before.  I knew from doing lockouts that I had far more power when I dropped the bar lower on my back and spread out my feet, so I started using the exact form I used on lockouts for my full squat.  That took some getting used to, as my hips continually sent me messages that they were going to beat my ass like my name was Rihanna for making them stretch so hard, but the change in stance paid off.

My progression went something like this:

  1. Knees hurt
  2. Angle feet out more- knees hurt more
  3. Angle feet in more- knees hurt less
  4. Check sources to confirm this makes sense (as it runs contrary to everything I'd read in training manuals and magazines about foot angle on squat)
  5. Note that I am strongest on lockouts with a very wide stance and lower bar placement.
  6. Widen stance.  Lift more difficult because of bar position (too high), which shifted my weight forward.  I didn't notice the weight shift from videoing my lift, I noticed it because the lift was harder and I felt my weight shift on my toes... you know, because I was paying attention.
  7. Lower bar.  Retry.
  8. Lower bar more.  Retry.
  9. Find sweet spot on my back where the bar won't slip off.
  10. Pound the shit out of my new form and bask in the glow of continual gains on my squat.
Later, I started suffering from debilitating bicep knotting and pain, which kept me from squatting because every time I did, I found that my arms hurt for days afterwards.  I ended up spending hundreds of dollars on massages and spent innumerable hours using a Theracane to grind out knots in my biceps and brachialis like I was a housewife in the middle ages trying to make gruel, and I got the knots out... but my form brought them back.  Knowing that the loading on my arms had to be wrong, I started moving my hands around on the bar, eventually settling on an ultra-wide thumbless grip.  This took weeks to figure out, but the process resulted in me debunking yet another myth about "proper form", as I was under the impression that a thumbless grip would reduce the bones in my wrist to pain-filled fairy dust.  Had I asked the online community, that is likely what they would have told me as well- as I've mentioned before, large groups of like-minded people despise individuality.  In interdependent communities like online message boards, people will turn against you if you're perceived as different. "People who departed from the norm could be dangerous to the whole community- whether they were rich or very poor.  Either way, there was a tendency to seek the center and to resent people who were misfits"(Brafman 124).  As such, seeking advice from those communities will yield nothing but the same tired bullshit you see time and time again on those sites- finding useful, unique advice on most message boards about as uncommon as a Fulbright scholar in a Special Education class.  There's some shit you're going to have to figure out for yourself, no matter how aggravating and interminable the process seems.  It's not always going to be a laborious process, however.  To wit, here's my recent discovery about deadlifting.


The Deadlift
Though I'm hardly as good a deadlifter as I am a squatter (Ed Coan's records appear safe, for the time being), I'm hardly worthless at it.  I would credit high volume back work and a healthy serving of hate with my 670 pull at 181, as my form ranges from hideous to apoplexy-inducing in good pullers.  I rarely pull in the gym due to the fact that it reduces my ability to squat as heavily and as often as I'd like, so I've found a number of exercises that keep my deadlift reasonably good without putting undue strain on my upper and midback.  The problem I developed, however, is that the supplementary exercise I do are done with my head down- most notably, the Pendlay row.  As such, I have trained myself to pull from the floor with my head down, which makes my round-backed, stiff-legged pull even more horrifying to behold.  I hadn't known this, however, until I decided to tinker with it.


Since I had walking pneumonia, I've had worse than normal tightness in my upper back, caused by hours of blood-filled spittle coughing and vomiting.  Thus, squatting and pulling have been extremely painful, and always result in upper back cramping that only be described as crippling.    Pulling hasn't always resulted in the upper back cramping I normally get, even without the pneumonia, so I decided to figure out what the fuck was up with my back.  I started pulling in front of a mirror with 135, and my back cramped up, as it is want to do.  I then recaqlled that Benni Magnusson dips his hips right before he pulls.  As we have a similar style, I decided to try that, only to have my kneecap threaten me with violent explosive departure.  From that, I could ascertain something was amiss.  I then looked up, into the mirror, as I dropped my hips to pull, and the bar came up as if it was being levitated by mystical bisexual nymphs from the planet Vivid.  A chorus of angels sang a breakdown.  I might have cum a little.  And thus, my deadlift was fixed.  


 It really is that easy- you simply have to identify where and when you're failing, then examine what's happening when you fail and tinker with the movement until it flows.  Up next, I'll detail some common flaws with the squat and deadlift and the insanely easy fixes for them, and probably issue yet another harangue about thinking for yourself and the fact that you should not take advice from anonymous idiots.  That will likely be next week, as I have some records to break in the meantime.

RUM is streaming online here, in case you guys want to watch me terrorize the 165 lb weightclass on Sunday.

Sources:
Brafman, Ori and Rom Brafman.  Sway: The Irresistable Pull of Irrational Behavior.  Doubletree: New York, 2008.

Raw Unity 6 Is Upon Us

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The time has come for more records to fall.  I will be making weight this time in the 165 lb weight class to wreck havoc amongst the records there.  Currently, I'm about 180 and ripped to bits, and plan on weighing somewhere between 190 and 205 when I step on the platform at RUM.  To give you an idea of exactly how lean I am, I took a picture the other day with no pump, right out of the shower.  The veins on my abs have veins on their abs right now.

For those of you who plan on watching, expect to see me open with 605 on the squat, 325 on the bench, and 615 on the deadlift.  For those among you who are math challenged, that will put me at 1545 just with my openers, and a world record squat to kick things off.  I am no longer ill and crippled, so the meet should go far better than the 1615 I posted last month.  Right now, the squat record stands at 600 and the total record at 1636, which means I'll have to do marginally better than I did last month to break two records.  This should be a meet worth watching, as Jason Manenkoff plans on benching over 400 at 165, and I believe Paul Nguyen pulled 685 a couple of weeks ago in preparation for this meet.

The live stream is going to be posted here, if you want to catch the action, and lifting starts for the chicks and lightweights at 10:30AM EST on Sunday.  I'd venture to guess that they'll have the 165ers in the second flight, but I'll be posting vids of my lifts and updates as much as possible.  Before you guys start asking, the song I'll be lifting to is Annotations of an Autopsy- Stagebreaker, from their Dark Days EP.  It's pretty fucking brutal and thoroughly appropriate.


For any of you guys planning on coming down, feel free to come and bullshit with me any time I'm not getting ready to lift- I'll be manning the Nutrition Warehouse table with Dale and Krista (my girlfriend, who will be competing at 123 lbs) and eating my face off.  We'll be selling a bunch of Spud Inc gear and bullshitting with people, so don't be shy about popping by.  If you're closer to Columbus than Tampa, stop by our booth at the Arnold- I'll be there as well.

... and no, I've not "sold out".  I'm still unsponsored.  I manage a Nutrition Warehouse for Spud and like cross-promoting whenever possible.  Luckily, I work with such a band of misfits that I'm considered "the social one", so I get to do the fun shit.

If Wishes Were Horses, We'd All Ride Instead Of Walk... And I'd Be Able To Make 165

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192, the day after the meet... and a little vascular.

THIS JUST IN: there's no way in hell I can make 165.  

Thus, to all of the people who told me I was insane and that it couldn't be done, you were right.  After hot baths, wearing a sauna suit in a sauna, and about 18 hours without food or water, I managed to get to 170, and could go no further.  I'd thought that it would be just as simple to drop 15 lbs to get to 165 as it was to get to 181, but I was apparently wholly incorrect.  As I was bigger and leaner than I was a month ago, there was just not enough of me holding water to get 15 lbs off me.  Thus, I ended up guest lifting at 181 and have completely banished any thought of a future cut to 165 from my mind.  Again, naysayers, you were right and I was wrong; you are smart and I am dumb; you are good-looking and I am unattractive...
Unless you think crazy vascularity is attractive.

All of the cutting nonsense will go into the new competition prep book, I'm writing, which should be out next month sometime.  There was nothing new or Earth shattering in it, other than the fact that just because your brain says you can do something and you think you're essentially the fucking Terminator does not necessarily mean you can pull off any wacky weight cutting trick you want.


The meet itself went pretty well.  I went 606-622 (called for depth)-644 (fail) on the squat, 227-355-369.8 on bench, and 617-644-655 (fail)on the deadlift.  My second squat was so easy I just decided to pile on the weight and try to tie or break my total record at 181, and got a little overly ambitious.  While I was recovered from walking pneumonia, I still had back tightness issues plaguing me throughout the last month that prevented me from doing a lot of heavy training.  Additionally, Canadian 181 lb badass Willie Albert clued me in to the fact that the record at 181 in the squat is actually 673 (a Russian broke the squat record without knee sleeves, even, in 2011 or 2012), so I decided not to try 650.  Thus, I was pretty aggressive in calling attempts because the whole thing was pretty much a wash anyway- my total reflected that as a result.

Ridiculously easy 622.

Bench actually went well due to my addition of volume training one day a week for chest, it seems.  Rather than simply pounding singles, as I am wont to do, I took one day a week and did singles and doubles on close grip, and on another day did a traditional bodybuilder-type program.  Thus, my benching looked like this:

Bench Day 1
Close Grip Bench Press
1 x 1 x 135, 225, 315
10 x 2 x 325-345
5 x 1 x 345-365

Pushdowns
10 x 10-20

Bench Day 2
Bench Press
5 x max 135
5 x max 225

Dumbbell Bench Press
5 x 10-20

Cable Crossover
5 x 10-20

Having more volume in my program seems to have helped with stabilizing my bench, which has a tendency to vary wildly from week to week and month to month.  With this, I was able to steadily improve my lifting and actually ended up far stronger than my numbers would indicate from the meet- I erred on the side of caution for my third after missing my second and third on the squat.

Getting back to the meet, the most impressive lifter there was Vashon Perryman, apparent love child of Bryant Gumbel and Wayne Brady.  This dude is nice as hell and so low on street cred that standing next to him I look like Eazy E, but he is one phenomenally strong motherfucker.  Vashon broke both the squat and the deadlift record at this meet, which is a feat one would generally ascribe to Klokov and his ilk, and pretty soundly fucks my "specialize in one or the other theory" directly in its ass.  In any event, Perryman hit 606 for his fourth on the squat and a ridiculous 716 on the deadlift to break both records.  Sadly, his bench is even worse than mine and he thus left the total record remarkably unscathed, but the dude is definitely one to watch.  Get on Facebook or something and show the dude some love- none of us are making any money at this, so you might as well make him grin more than usual over his afternoon tea and Tom Jones break by telling him what a bad motherfucker he is. That, or buy him a celebratory cardigan or something.

Krista makes an excellent beaker face.

For those of you who are curious, the gf did damn well in spite of the fact I forgot to tell her half of the rules, and hit a 242 squat, 126 bench, and was credited with her 275 opener on deadlift and not her 303 pull because I forgot to tell her she couldn't drop it from her waist.  She was a little overly hopped up on Hellfire at the time and appeared to have been having a panic attack as a result, but it was a badass performance for a 130 lb chick who's only been powerlifting since August.  She can only train with me when she's in town, and thus doesn't get the benefit of basking under the soft glow of my knowledge... though she never listens to me anyway, so anything I attempt to impart is ignored until someone else tells her.  Apparently, I need to beat her more.

L-R: Me, Jay, Jason, IFBB pro and sole non-fisherman from Nova Scotia Greg Doucette, and Kade Weber.

Post meet, I went out with Willie (who's a fucking maniac and generally awesome guy), Jay Nera (who I'm going to try to get on a podcast for at least one episode to discuss libertarianism, training, his love of Reese's cups, and Crossfit), Kade Weber (who came within a hair's breadth of breaking Larry Pacifico's total record at 242), Jason Manenkoff, Krista (the gf), Sin Leung, Paul Ngyuen, Noriko Kariya (who has an awesome, full-back geisha tat) and a couple of other people and tore it up at some shitty dive bar in downtown Tampa.  The post meet and day after hangouts with the lifters were probably more fun than the meet, and it was a good meet. In any event, good times were had, butts were hurt about a variety of things, and vascular abdominals were prominently displayed (including a set on Ann Vanderbush, who is now fucking shredded).

For now, it's back to training whatever the fuck I want and eating my face off.  No idea when I'll do another meet, but the people shown above are definitely descending upon Clash for Cash to wreck fucking shop if it ends up happening.





The Inaugural Empedoclean Day

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Warhammer art gets me fucking pumped.

In the last couple of months I've had to drag myself from the depths of mucus-filled-lung hell and back into the land of elite lifting, pretty much by sheer force of will.  Doing so, however, required me to abandon most of my chaos in favor of a hell of a lot of pain, and not the fun kind, either.  Nope- no whips, chains, kicks to the balls or pegging- just a hell of a lot of weird upper back cramping that basically turned my back into a dehydrated broad off the pill in the middle of the desert on her worst period ever.  The last two months in the gym have sucked harder than a vacuum cleaner caught on Hugh Hefner's shag carpet, and I've basically had to force myself through interminable, boring workouts consisting of scant few exercises while trying desperately to watch and not watch the clock at the same time.



What my workouts should look like.

If you don't know what I mean by that, allow me to explain- I don't have a prescribed number of sets and reps, but rather do a major exercise for twenty or thirty minutes  move to another, repeat, do a bit of accessory work, and then bail.  My internal clock pretty much knows when that is, but I usually have to check myself because I get too excited about a certain thing and do it for far longer than I should.  The last couple of months, however, I've been checking the clock like I'm the President of the USADA going through Lance Armstrong's dirty underwear drawer.  Not because I'm having too much fun and overdoing it, but because I've just wanted the workouts to be more over than the cast of the Hills' careers.  That has sucked.  After giving it some thought, I realized that I've been focused only on the powerlifts and their accessories, and have thus lost most of the chaos I champion.  Losing the crux of one's existence is pretty fucking eye-opening when you realize it's happened.


Yeah, efficiency rules.

One of the main reasons my style of training developed the way it has is my hatred for scheduling.  I despise the fact that everything in our lives is subject to review by some imaginary board of Weights and Measures, that we must do things a certain way over and over at the same time, daily, and that we blindly accept the way of life as if it's natural.  It's not.  Despite what most people insist is their religion or spiritual belief system of choice, the Western World has really adopted the God of Efficiency as their lord and savior, crawling at his feet with offerings of blood, sweat, and tears, begging for a pittance of a few more minutes so they can work a 10 hour day at a job they hate to sit on their couch and watch Real Housewives as they wait to die. 

Efficiency is what you call a tiny, shithole apartment that consists of one room. 

Efficiency is a bunch of people dressed in identical clothing that might as well be prison garb, doing identical tasks at the same time, constantly watching the clock to be directed to their next task..  

Efficiency is a bunch of "powerlifters" whining on the internet about their sub-400 lb deadlifts because it's "inefficient" to train more.  

Efficiency is a "man" driving a pink Toyota Prius to work because he thinks the extra 20 minutes of driving he has to do at 60mph is less valuable than the time he's wasted in his commute.

Fuck that noise.  I'm not in the business of getting the most of the least- I'm in the business of getting the most.  I don't mind spitting in the face of the laws of diminishing returns if it means I can get or do something awesome, because I'd much rather be fucking awesome than simply better than most.  I realize this is anachronistic thinking, but fuck it- I love being an anarchonism.  I love to fight and drink and fuck and scream unintelligible gibberish at random passersby and read actual fucking books, rather than wearing pastel and drinking expensive bottled water (because you never know what you'll get out of the tap *gasp*) while nibbling on soy-based "food" and watching television on feminine furniture paid for on credit so I can a have a tasteful view of my matching flowered drapes.  I'll be off making offensive statements and doing cool shit while the "efficient" people wait to die, just as the people of yore did.  This is why I have to look back, for the most part, and not at the present for inspiration, and why I invoke the deeds of so many old-timey lifters.  They gave two shits about efficiency.  They climbed tall mountains because fuck mountains.  They'd whack back a shitload of opium and racewalk from Paris to India just because.  They lifted heavy weights because it was fucking fun, and they'd do crazy shit because it amused them, like lifting a grown man overhead with one hand and running up and down a flight of stairs a few times while holding a beer in the other.  They needed no more of a goal for doing impressive physical feats other than the fact that they thought it was cool, and because other people said they couldn't or shouldn't.  That shit is fun, and it's why I'd be much more at home with a pack of 14th Century Mongols than the assholes populating any Ikea on the planet.


One ugly motherfucker.

In the spirit of looking to the past for inspiration in the present, behold this ugly motherfucker- in the 5th Century BC, the dude pictured a guy popped onto the Greek philosophy scene and started wrecking fucking shop, in addition to giving the best shocker any chick's ever had during cunnilingus with his creepily long fingers.  He formulated a number of heady theories that made those of his contemporaries obsolete, including the idea that the Earth is a sphere, the concept that air is a substance rather than a lack thereof, a primitive concept of the theory of evolution, that light travels at a speed, and that centrifugal force exists.  In other words, the people of the Middle Ages would have burned him at the stake as a witch rather than hail him as the genius savior of science that he was.  This man was named Empedocles, and he thought he was the shit, so much so that he likely referred to himself in the third person and would have worn sunglasses indoors if they'd existed at the time.  Once he'd gotten sufficiently big for his britches, Empedocles decided it was time to set things straight, and offered the following poem as a proto-battle rap intro:

"Friends who inhabit the mighty town by tawny Acragas
which crowns the citadel, caring for good deeds,
greetings; I, an immortal God, no longer mortal,
wander among you, honoured by all,
adorned with holy diadems and blooming garlands.
To whatever illustrious towns I go,
I am praised by men and women, and accompanied
by thousands, who thirst for deliverance,
some ask for prophecies, and some entreat,
for remedies against all kinds of disease"(Wikipedia)
Empedocles probably would have looked this cool if he'd made it out of the volcano.

This 5th C BC Greek P. Diddy actually believed this shit, and decided to prove it.  With much fanfare, Empedocles announced that he was going to jump into a volcano and pop out unscathed, as he was the Grecian answer to the Terminator- he couldn't be bargained with or reasoned with, he didn't feel  pity, or remorse, or fear, and he absolutely would not stop, ever.  That is, of course, until he stepped into a fiery volcano and burnt up like Richard Prior trying to freebase.




If you're not getting where I'm going with this, I'm of the opinion that it's time to start jumping into volcanoes again and quit being a bitch in the gym.  As such, I'm declaring a weekly Empedocles Day.  On that day, I intend to do something fucking ridiculous in the gym just because, common sense be damned.  I'm not going to do it on the same day if I can help it, and I'll never do the same thing twice- I'm just going to pick a direction once a week and go nuts, in the vein of Tom Platz's wacky ass workouts, Benny Podda's trumping of those crazy workouts, Steve Michalik's Intensity or Insanity workouts, Kolkaev's ridiculous Youtube videos, and Arthur Saxon and Maxick's daily reminders from 100 years ago that we're all half the men they were on their worst day and our best.  Some weeks I might jump in with a bench bro for a massive dose of humble pie in a two hour bench press extravaganza, and another week I might just try Tom Platz's 10 minutes of hell with 225 squat set.  This week, I decided to start easy.  I did pullups for 25 sets of 2 reps with 90 lbs in 45 minutes, wedging 6 sets of overhead presses to max with 135.  Thereafter, I did 15 minutes of standing crunches.  By the end of the workout, my shoulders were so pumped they felt like they were tearing, my back felt like I'd been stabbed, and the following day it felt like my biceps were going to pop off and go running into the forest to play with squirrels and other tiny, fluffy forest wildlife, but I had my mojo back.  No more clock watching- I just went fucking nuts on pullups until I was doing rest pause reps and struggling on the singles.




When I was younger, I spent a lot of time reading the routines of the maniacs who trained in the 1970s and 1980s.  That sort of set the stage for how I'd train later in life- the wacky workouts about which I'd read put ideas in my head for what was possible, and what I might try.  Reading about Tom Platz's leg training, for instance, got me thinking about trying higher reps on squats.  Thus, I managed to hit 97 reps with 135 on the squat years ago when I weighed about 155, and I did sets of 20 twice a week with 315 at around 170.  Platz occassionally did 50 reps with 350 on the squat at a bodyweight of about 200 lbs, just as a gut check.  After hearing about that, Benna Podda started doing 5 sets of 50 with that weight.  Guys back then had innumerable random challenges against their lifting partners, and these challenges pushed them further in their training than any incremental progression program might have.  



We haven't had a President this cool since Teddy Roosevelt, and never will again.

If you're thinking this sort of a thing is stupid, you probably drink soy milk, listen to Mumford and Sons, and think that Obama is a better role model than Vladimir Putin.  As such, you should probably just turn off your computer and look for something with which to kill yourself.  Forget the incremental progression that's been drummed into your heads, the belief that you should live and die by percentages in training, the belief that any one way is the way, and you'll find yourself doing shit in the gym you never dreamed possible.  If there's any one thing holding back the majority of the lifters I see in the gym and on the platform, it's fear- they fear the unknown, and they don't trust in their own abilities. The only way to overcome that fear is to push yourself further and harder than you ever dreamed possible- tiny improvements and little victories in low volume environments won't do that.  I do this less and less in my training as I get older, not because I am afraid of injury or somesuch nonsense, but because at this point I know I can jump into the volcano and walk out unscathed.  What I've realized is that this means I should do it more, rather than less. 


No guts, no glory!

It's worked for plenty of the people in the past, and if nothing else, it will ratchet up the insanity of my training back to the levels that got me a world record total.  It cannot possibly hurt your training, because if the training logs on the internet are any indication, nothing could.  There's a fine line between genius and insanity, and I intend to cross it at every possible opportunity, because fuck lines.


Now slap on your favorite pair of panties- John Defendis says it's time to get jacked or die trying.



Sources:

Empedocles.  Wikipedia.  Web.  2 Mar 2013.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empedocles

http://www.simplyshredded.com/tom-platz-bodybuilding.html

Tom Platz Leg Workout – The Man Who Became Famous For His Remarkable Leg Development. Simply Shredded.  3 Mar 2009.  Web.  2 Mar 2013.  http://www.simplyshredded.com/tom-platz-bodybuilding.html

The Art Of The Reverse Grip Bench Press

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The reverse grip bench press is an enigma to some, a pariah to others, and a curiosity to all.  It does not seem, however, to be in any way a popular method for conducting the bench press in any gym I have ever visited.  This may be because the lift is relatively new, or because the lift never gained enough traction to elicit interest in the average trainee.  Most likely, however, it just scares the shit out of everyone, as the most common comment about the lift that I've heard or read is that people fear dropping the weight into their mouth.  I like my teeth as much as the next guy, and I'm happy to report that even without a spotter, it's highly unlikely that you'll drop the bar on your chest, neck or mouth, provided you're not a spastic, prone to cold, clammy hands, or a possessor of hands so weak you have trouble opening a jar of jelly unaided.


From what I was able to find, the reverse grip bench press's origins are buried in the mists of time.  Scant information appears online about the lift, and I've not come across anything in print about the reverse grip bench press either.  My introduction to the lift was with Anthony Clark, a now-deceased morbidly obese powerlifter of the 1980s and 1990s.  Clark was a bench press phenom known for reverse grip bench pressing and bombing out of meets, which he appears to have done as religiously as he visited church.  All of his interviews are rife with religious blatherings, so it's safe to say he went to church almost as frequently as he hit up the all you can eat buffet at Sizzler.  After sifting through his vociferous spiritual exhortations, I could not find any mention of his introduction to the lift, as his only mention of it made it sound like it was some sort of spiritual epiphany.  Nevertheless, he rocked the balls off the reverse grip bench, and was the first person to bench press 800 lbs in competition (though the lift was later turned down because he didn't wait for the rack command).


The only other people of note to have done the reverse grip bench press were the 1980's bodybuilding duo, the bench pressing stud of the 1980s Rick Weil and Barbarian Brothers.  Weil still holds the bench press records at 165 and 181, and credited much of his bench pressing strength with having done a lot of reverse grip bench pressing in training. According to a post he wrote on Bodybuilding.com, "[he does] lift reverse grip, but never benched that way in competition. [He] did a lot of exhibitions reverse grip and actually did a 545 reverse in the gym. [He also] would do exhibitions with 505 for 5-6 reps"(Weil).  Frankly, that's about the best endorsement the lift could have, as that's crazy impressive at any bodyweight.



Peter and David Paul were the worst dressed bodybuilders in an era known for tragic clothing choices but absolute freaks at the bench- they benched 315 with a reverse grip for around 30 reps, and did 500+ for reps on the lift as well.  Had these two ever bothered to compete in powerlifting this lift would doubtless be more popular, but as they had no interest in doing anything but lifting and making terrible B-movies, this lift languished in obscurity until Clark popularized it (somewhat).


Apparently, the reverse grip bench press gained a great deal of prominence in the 1990s because of Clark's success, but soon fell out of favor.  One source I found stated it was due to injuries, but I found no other source to corroborate this or any record of anyone seriously injuring themselves on the lift.  In fact, people seem to use the reverse grip so they can train around injuries, like Vince Urbank, who recently benched 530 raw with a reverse grip.  Most likely, federations banned the lift because it shortens the range of motion for the bench press and butts were hurt because this was considered "an unfair advantage".  Nevertheless, North Georgia Barbell lifters continued to use the lift, getting Phil Harrington a 480 bench at 181 lbs.  Jon Grove, former WPO elite competitor and current owner of North Georgia Barbell, coached one of his lifters to use the reverse grip bench press to break through plateaus.  The lifter, 220 lb competitor Glenn Baggett, had missed multiple attempts at multiple meets with 600 on the bench.  Utilizing the scheme he outlined in the following, he got his raw bench to 405 for the first time and finally benched 600 in multiply compeition.
Harrington is one bigass 198.

According to Baggett, he started out with a "weak", "mere" 365 lbs, and a shirted bench of 590.  Grove broke his training into 3 week long mini-cycles, starting with form practice with light weights on the reverse grip and progressing up into sets of 5, 3, and 1.

Cycle One
Week One
Sets of 5-8 reps

Week Two
Sets of 3-5 reps

Week Three
Sets of 1-3 reps.  At the end of this week, he hit a touch and go 405 with a reverse grip, which was a 40 lb PR on the bench.

Cycle Two
Week Four
3-1 board press with doubles and triples

Week Five
3-1 board press with doubles and triples, 5-10 lbs heavier than the previous week.

Week Six
Same as week two.  Baggett credited the board work with teaching him to stay tight at off the boards, and at the end of week three of cycle two, he hit 420 off his chest.

Cycle Three
Week Seven
Floor Press (with chains)- 365 lbs + 180 lbs of chain x 3 reps

Week Eight
Floor Press (with chains)- 405 lbs + 120 lbs of chain x 2 reps

Week Nine
Floor Press- 455 x 1 rep and max attempt at 495.

Cycle Four
Week Ten
This cycle was intended to see if there was carryover to regular bench, so all of this week was done with a conventional grip.
Raw Work:
Three Board Press- 405 x 5 reps

Shirt Work:
Three Board Press- 660 x 1 rep

Week Eleven
Raw Work:
Two Board Press- 405 x 3 reps

Shirt Work:
Two Board Press- 660 x 1 rep

Week Twelve
Raw Work:
One Board Press- 405 x 1 rep
Competition Press- 405 x 1 rep (this was his first ever 400 lb bench press)

Shirt Work:
One Board Press- 635 x 1 rep

Redditors can now stop whining about the paucity of tits and go back to whining about the fact that cutting weight is "cheating".

Though the number of sets weren't mentioned in the article, I've seen bench training at NGBB and can tell you confidently that it's not low volume.  As such, if you're looking to follow that scheme, I'd suggest at least five sets on the higher reps and around 10 on the lower reps.  Unlike the low-volume advocates out there, the NGBB guys love to train, and they don't mind putting in their time at the gym- they're not punching a clock... they're in there to kick the fuck out of their competition.  Though I couldn't find anything specific on Phil Harrington's training, or any of the other NGBBers, I did find the following post from Jon Grove on the subject:
My real interest is the actual execution of the modern "belly benching" technique, specifically with open backed bench shirts. When coaching a lifter in this style the basic mechanics taught are to pull the elbows inward, drop the bar low to the abdomen, and to press the bar upward in a straight line, minimizing the travel of the weight. By using this technique, a lifter maximizes leverage by keeping the elbows "under" the weight and his forearm angle at his side or at an upward angle, not below the centerline of his body. The lats create a "launching pad" and a tight benchshirt virtually throws the weight to lockout if this technique is mastered. 
Now, after reading the above caption, visualize the execution of the reverse style bench. By nature, it is absolutely a nearly exact copy of the style we all try so hard to master. The only possible weak link is the hand position and driving the weight up and forward, never allowing it to drift over the eyes.
In conclusion, I feel this style has benefits for two major reasons: It can teach a lifter the basic form behind a shirted bench if he's having trouble getting the groove of a bench shirt. It is also good to train around injuries. As far as using it as the actual competition style, this is something specific to each lifter but should probably be tried in training; it might surprise someone.
Not your typical PhD.

So there you have it, from a four powerlifting world record holders (myself, Phil Harrington, Rick Weil, and Anthony Clark) and a strength coach who's competed at the highest levels- stop taking your training advice from two tards making funny faces at a camera who insist the reverse grip bench press will "snap you up" and sundry other know nothings who feel it necessary to demonize a lift they've never fucking trained.  If I've not yet provided enough powerlifting authority for you, perhaps Jim Stoppani, PhD, the tatted guy you see in Muscle & Fitness who's actually an exercise physiology PhD and the senior science editor for M&F and Flex will.  Stoppani's published a couple of articles on the benefits of the reverse grip bench press for the upper chest, and has waged a one man war against the misinformation propagated by dickless halfwits who find the reverse grip bench press terrifying.  If you're interested in reading his initial article on the subject or want to watch the videos he published on muscular activation with the lift, go here.


Many of you have asked why I use the reverse grip bench press.  Initially, I started using it for the same reason Phil Harrington did- bench pressing hurt my shoulder.  I thought I had an injury to the rotator cuff, but I later discovered that it was simply knotting in the biceps in my armpit.  Nevertheless, I stuck with the reverse grip because I found I could actually bench more with a reverse grip than I could with a conventional grip.  I'd discovered this once before, in grad school (around 2001) when I repped out 315 on the bench with a reverse grip for 5 or 6 reps, a feat I didn't replicate again until the past year.  Frankly, I've no idea why I didn't continue training it then, but I'd imagine popular opinion got the best of me.  Once my shoulder started bugging me, I began trying different grip widths on conventional bench, none of which suited me.  I then tried reverse grip, which I soon found eliminated my shoulder pain as well as worked better for me on paused reps.  Thus, I stuck with it.  No catastrophe has befallen me, my wife has not been turned into a pillar of salt, and I've not developed cancer of the AIDS.  


My technique on the reverse grip bench press is not uncommon, but as there aren't all that many tutorials on the reverse grip bench press, I shall elucidate the finer points of the lift.  Set up for the reverse grip will be the same as you would use for the conventional grip, you want to pull your shoulder blades together to keep your back tight, arch hard, and place your feet wherever you generally would for the lift (this is completely a matter of personal preference).  You will probably find you have to tuck your feet more than usual to keep your ass from coming off the bench, which is a problem that plagued me in competition until I moved my feet under me to the limits of my hip and thigh flexibility.  My grip on the bar is considerably wider and more angledthan I'd use for a conventional grip, as I close grip on conventional.  Here, I place my index finger on the break in the knurling, then have the bar pass diagonally, rather than horizontally, through my hand.  Thus, your grip should look something like this:

Using that grip make the wrist and shoulder rotation far more natural than a more horizontal grip would.

Next, you'll bring the bar down as low on your abs as the rules allow- it generally sits on my solar plexus, touching the top of my upper abs.  If the rules dictate you bring it to just under your nipple line, do so- there's no reason to practice form with which you cannot compete.  The reason for this bar placement is because the entire benefit of the reverse grip bench press comes from the fact that you have to keep your elbows in and your lower arms completely vertical.  If you fail to do so, you'll dump the bar onto your chest.  This is biomechanically advantageous, though, and puts you in a perfect position to drive the bar straight up, which will almost feel like you're pushing it towards your feet if you're doing it correctly.  Doing so will maximize your leverages and keep the bar path to its shortest distance.  I cannot stress the straight-up push enough, as I've missed more than one attempt because the bar drifted high on me, and it's much harder to press it when the bar is over your face.  I developed that habit from training without a spotter, however, so I naturally press the bar toward the rack to avoid disaster in the event of failure.  Thus, my training presses used to look very similar to mark Henry's 800 lb press above.  Should you train without a partner like I do, the best way to do so is to press in a rack, off the bottom pins.  Set them at chest height and simply do bottom-position presses- you'll actually find your competition lifts improve from this because you're used to training to explode from the bottom of the lift.


If you're a neophyte to reverse grip bench pressing, I highly recommend you start out doing them the way I did- in a smith machine.  As a general rule, the smith machine sucks, but it's great for this lift.  It will train you to press straight up, and get you comfortable with the lift before you try it in the rack or on the bench.  I used to do these as burners at the end of chest workouts, for high reps.  Since you can load up the smith machine and look like a boss in shitty gyms, it's kind of fun to throw on three wheels and rep out.

The benefits to the lift aren't exactly legion, but there are a few.  Here are the ones of which I can think off the top of my head:

  1. It's easier to stay tight.  You have to keep your lats and upper back tight throughout the lift, so that's not a consideration the way it is in conventional.
  2. Less strain on your shoulders.  People generally use this when they have shoulder injuries, as it allows them to keep training.
  3. It builds a lot of tricep strength.  This is a very tricep-centric movement, so it's a good way to bring up lagging triceps.
  4. It's a nice change of pace.  For those among you who suck at the bench, it might be a good way to get you out of a rut.  For others, it might be your new best friend.  If you're suffering from some kind of upper body injury, it might allow you to keep benching, like it did for Urbank and Harrington.

There are still benefits to the regular bench press.

Points More Salient Than Florida:

  1. WRAP YOUR THUMBS AROUND THE BAR.  You are a creature with opposable digits, use them.
  2. Do not train this lift without a spotter on a bench that lacks catches halfway up.  You probably shouldn't do them without a spotter anyway, but I've managed not to kill or hurt myself and I've trained this lift without a spotter for the last two years.  Should you do so, be prepared for a lot of biceps knotting lifting it off yourself.
  3. Use an angled grip, rather than one that's parallel with the bar.
  4. Press the bar straight up.
  5. Train bottom position presses in the rack.
  6. It's ok to use the smith machine, just this once.

Now, go forth and conquer.

Sources:
Baggett, Glenn.  Forum Post.  Southern Powerlifting.  Web.  5 Feb 2013.    http://www.southernpowerlifting.com/powerforum/index.php?topic=400.0;wap2

Grove, Jon.  Reverse grip bench press.  Forum Post.  2 Nov 2004.  Web.  6 Mar 2013.  http://www.boards2go.com/boards/board.cgi?action=read&id=1099404736&user=ngbb

Weil, Rick.  Forum Post.  Bodybuilding.com.  8 Jun 2013.

Random Awesome Shit About Which You Should Know- Don't Sleep On These Books And Bands

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For those of you who hate it when I post these, get fucked.  I get perhaps ten texts, IMs, and emails a week asking for book, music, and movie recommendations, and making a blanket post is far easier than replying with the same information over and over.  To those of you who have asked for recommendations, enjoy- all of the books are linked to make it easier to find them.

Books

Mark Lawrence's Prince of Thorns (The Broken Empire) series.
In looking for quotes from the book online, I was amused to read the blatherings of various feminist halfwits (and their dickless, simpering bitch boys) who reveled in giving reviews of this series, which they, to a person, had not read.  Instead, they based their reviews off other reviews, each confused Tori Amos t-shirt wearing idiot after another trying to out-inflame the previous waterhead's idiot remarks with tales of woe and injustice from the pages of Mark Lawrence's books.  Many of you have already clicked the hyperlink to buy the books, I'm sure, because with each purchase, an washed feminazi broad buys a bra the same day she loses her job at Starbucks.  I'm not going to link their idiocy, because i don't want to send them any traffic, and because self-professed "feminists" are perhaps the least well-educated, over-opinionated, illogical creatures on the planet.  For those females who read my blog, you've likely come to the realization that I don't hate women- I hate women who are "typical" feminine women- namely, stupid, materialistic, pop-culture obsessed, vain, lazy, greedy, soul-sucking broads who populate any college campus and think "like" is a word as important and ubiquitous as "fuck".  We'll have to add to that list penis-envying, man-hating, delusionally-seeing-oppression-at-every-corner, feminist cunts.


In any event, these books are phenomenal.  The protagonist is the ultimate anti-hero, and is a 13 year old killing machine bereft of empathy or compassion in the first book.  He literally guts a man and mocks him as he dies about having raped the guy's daughters in the first 10 pages.  From there, the books just gets better, as you discover the protagonist is not only an unstoppable killing machine surrounded by an entertaining cast of brigands, but that he's also well educated, highly intelligent, and clever as shit.  I won't divulge much of the plot because I don't want to spoil it, but know these books serve as an adequate pre-workout supplement if you left your stimulant of choice at home.


Larry Correia's Monster Hunter International and Grimnoir Chronicles series.
Larry Correia is one of the most innovative authors currently working in the sci-fi/fantasy game, and these series are proof.  The former series chronicles the life of Owen Zastavia Pitt, a hulking behemoth of an accountant-turned monster hunter who also happens to be a former underground pit fighter and son of a psychotic survivalist.  Correia opens the first book with Pitt's brutal beating of his boss with his bare hands... after his boss turns into a werewolf.  He then gets invited to join Monster Hunter International, where he fights a litany of interesting creatures plucked from mythologies around the world.  Not only are these books fun as shit and violent as hell, but they're educational- you learn a hell of a lot about mythological creatures.


The latter series features a protagonist not unlike Owen Pitt, in a world wherein people began displaying magical powers in the mid-19th Century.  Not everyone has powers, however, and not all magical persons have the same powers.  As such, there's basically a constant chess match going on between combatants as they battle each others' magic.  All-American badass Jake Sullivan can control gravity with magic, and does so to dispatch any and all comers with ease.  Basically, he's the Hulk during the mob-enforcer story arc but with the added ability of controlling gravity.  Mash together a bit of steampunk, magic, and hard boiled noir and you get this series.  For those of you who like me are leery of books involving magic- this is no Harry Potter- you'll actually remain awake while reading this and no one wields a twig as a magical talisman/weapon.


Gordon Lavelle's Bodybuilding: Tracing the Evolution of the Ultimate Physique
This is pretty much a must have for any student of bodybuilding, the history of physical culture in the United States, or anyone curious about the roots of widespread bodybuilding in the United States.  This book really illuminated the drastic difference between the Golden Age of bodybuilding and now, detailed the battles between Bob Hoffman, Doug Lurie, and Joe Wieder, and covered some of the more modern competitions in pretty intense detail.  Prior to reading this book, I thought I knew a great deal about the history of modern bodybuilding, but after reading Lavelle's work decided that I'd really known quite little.

Interestingly, this well-written tome is the work of a bodybuilder and sometime author for the website Muscle and Strength.  According to his bio on Muscle and Strength, Lavelle's "competition record includes two runner-up finishes at the NPC California State Championships; he was also overall winner of the Contra Costa Championships, first place at the Orange County Championships, and winner of the AAU Mr. Western USA teenage division".  Thus, you're getting the historical perspective of an athlete, not a casual bystander, which is probably what makes the book so enthralling.


John Ringo's Troy Rising series
I've long been a fan of Ringo and have already recommended his Posleen series, I think.  Though Ringo's a bit hit and miss with his books, this hard sci fi trilogy is spot on the entire way through.  The series chronicles the arrival of two alien species to Earth, using a sort of stargate to transport from system to system.  One of the species uses kinetic energy weapons to destroy major cities on Earth, and then establishes themselves as the "protectors and liberators" of the Earth system.  The only man bright enough to figure out a way to toss them out is an out-of-work comic book artist who becomes the richest man on Earth trading a very cheap Earth commodity to the non-warlike aliens for exorbitant amounts.  With his wealth, he builds an orbital defense system that becomes the launching pad for an Earth fleet to take out the warlike aliens.  Yeah, these books are as badass as they sound.


Ernest Clines's Ready Player One
If you've not heard of this book, you're not paying attention.  Ready Player One has only been out for a year or so and is already considered a cult classic.  It's set in a dystopic 2044, wherein most of the world spends their lives in virtual reality, working, playing, and learning without moving a muscle.  The progenitor of this virtual world dies and leaves behind a massive fortune.  The protagonist, an impoverished prole who would not be out of sorts if dropped into a Dickens novel sets out to win that fortune by following the clues left by the virtual world's creator, battling other online players, corporate ninjas, and the occasional trailer park bomb to do so.  RPO is full of 1980s pop culture and video game references, so it's great for old fucks like myself.  Interestingly, the book's been so popular that it's extended into reality, and if you follow clues left online, you can apparently win an actual DeLorean, the hideously slow stainless steel deathtrap Michael J. Fox drove in Back To The Future.


David Wong's John Dies at the End and This Book is Filled With Spiders
Trippy, gory, and generally fucking awesome.  I'd try to describe the books, but they're insane enough that doing so would be more or less a lost cause.  Nevertheless, I'll try.  Two guys in an unnamed town take a sentient drug that kills nearly everyone else that takes it, whereafter they can see and must do battle with extra-dimensional aliens bent on domination of our world and who utilize a variety of horrifying means to do so, such as monsters made of frozen cuts of meat, flesh eating worms, spiders covered with legs like a Coosh ball, zombies, poop demons, and any other Cronenberg-esque horror of which you could think.  Equally awesome and bizarre, you must read these.


Katy Stauber's Revolution World
This is, to my knowledge, the only female-penned book not by Ursula K. LeGuin I've ever liked.  Generally I find that female authors spend far too much time on character motivations and emotions and not enough on the action.  not so with Katy Stauber, though she does have some amusing moments of insights into the wild and woolly depths of the female mind.  How women stand their own thoughts, I'll never know.  In any event, this is also a near future dystopia in which geneticists from Texas team up with online gamers to foment a libertarian revolution in an increasingly fascist United States.  If you have an ounce of Libertarian sentiment in you, you will love the shit out of this book.


J. Stanton's The Gnoll Credo
For those of you who don't know who J. Stanton is, he's a nerd who happens to lift decent amounts of weight while retaining the ability to do shit like fasted mountain climbs.  He's also a widely recognized paleo dieting authority and a hell of an intellectual.  the Gnoll Credo has nothing to do with any of taht, while simultaneously having everything to do with it- it's a social critique of modern society written as a novel.  in it, a man travels to the land of the Gnolls to study their behavior (Gnolls are mythical hyena/human hybrids).  For those of you (who like Paul Carter of Lift Run Bang) are woefully unaware, hyenas are probably the coolest animals on Earth- they're apex predators with intelligence greater than that of the higher primates.  They've gotten a bad rap from Africans for being scavengers, but Africans are notoriously poor protectors of the environment, scholars, scientists, and pretty much everything else at which one would need to be awesome to be an authority on wildlife.  Thus, forget what you know about them and read National Geographic.  In any event, Stanton's book skewers all of modern society, pointing out (from the perspective of the Gnoll), that modern humans focus entirely on the trivial and ignore the most important shit in life.

This is perhaps the only readable book you'll ever find with a philosophy that might echo your own, and thus you must read this forthwith- it's more life changing than Fight Club, and the perfect companion novel to that badass book.


“We are born and we die.
No one cares, no one remembers,
and it doesn’t matter.
This is why we laugh.”


Music
In case you guys want some new shit to listen to, here's what I've been rocking of late.

Battlecross- Hostile
Best cover ever.  Officially.

Nasty- Love
Nasty's previous efforts have been marred by shitty, muddy production, but this album is the unadulterated balls.  Belgium's hardest bring the ruckus on Love.  Additionally, this is the best hardcore video ever produced, bar none.

Texas In July- S/T
For once, I recommend pretty much just straight up metal.  Though I suppose these guys are technically metalcore, it's well worth a listen, and for me is a nice change from the "chug chug blech" sound to which I predominantly listen.  Additionally, the song in the video below has one of the coolest, if tragically short, breakdowns I've heard recently.

Within The Ruins- Elite
What do you get when you cross crushing deathcore with At The Gates and maybe a tiny bit of syphonic death metal?  Probably the most ridiculous music of all time.  Within the Ruins pretty much defies description.  Just listen to it.  Not great for the gym, but great for pretty much any other time.  The title pretty much sums up this album- shit is too elite for words.


The Browning- Burn This World
Before you assholes flip out, consider this electroniccore band's pedigree- the singer is the original signer for As Blood Runs Black.  metal enough for you?  Now get over yourselves and enjoy something just because it's fucking fun.

Asking Alexandria- Stepped Up and Scratched
While we're at it, this song is the song that got me into dubstepcore in the first place- Big Chocolate's remix of an Asking Alexandria song,. complete with the coolest dubstep breakdown ever at :56.

If you like that, you should also like Skrillex's remix of Bring Me The Horizon off their remix album.


In the next Random Awesome Shit I'll give you some movie recommendations (I don't have cable, so I burn it up on Netflix nightly) and some new supplements you definitely need to grab.  You should have enough to tide you over until then.

Transhumanism- No Longer Just For Cyborgs

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"Man is a beautiful machine, that works very badly.
- H.L. Mencken"

Of late, I've noticed that people seem immensely preoccupied, at least on the internet, with comparing their "achievements" in the gym with those of others.  Numerous benchmarks have been bandied about as indicators of a particular level of strength, all of which I've found to range between laughably low and downright embarrassing.  It would seem that this is because everyone appears to be very preoccupied with comparing themselves to an average, which is never a good way to determine excellence, and it's either a salve to the ego of someone who sucks at lifting or completely inconsequential to someone who doesn't.  In either case, they're pointless.  For those of you who are blissfully unaware of the existence of these charts, here they are (ladies, the misogynist who made this chart apparently felt that you are undeserving of a chart... of which you should probably be glad):


I find this one particularly funny, because according to it, I was a pro level lifter before I'd even had a sip of protein powder as a 134 lb wrestler.  I was that strong not because I'm a freak, but because I trained 6 days a week with people a hell of a lot bigger and stronger than myself... and I actually put some effort into lifting.

 
These seem to make sense if you're the type of person who needs a benchmark against which to gauge your success, but if you get validation out of a chart you're probably one rainy day away from throwing yourself off a fucking bridge anyway.  Thus, anyone who falls into that category should start working on their jump squats so they can do it right.

This chart would be more aptly called "If This Means You're Strong, The Apocalypse Is Nigh".

Now we're starting to enter the land of funny.  If you bench less than 225 at any bodyweight as a male over the age of 15 who has two working arms, your name should not exist anywhere in conjunction with the word "strong", let alone "very strong".  This category should be called "Bitch Mode".

This shouldn't even be a chart, and if you're on it, you're not a person. 

Weirdly, for the pre-internet generations, the only benchmarks in the gym were beating gym records, beating your friends' best lifts, and adding another 45lb plate to any lift.  Those were cool milestones in retrospect, but hardly our overarching goal- we just liked lifting and knew strength would result naturally out of training.  Our milestones arose out of having fun in the gym, and trying to be better than everyone else, rather than simply trying to reassure ourselves that we didn't suck.  If you're looking to the internet for validation that you don't suck, here's a newsflash- you suck harder than any other person whose lifetime predated the internet.

There might have been a healthy serving of this from time to time.  We didn't give a shit- we were trying to fucking move weight.  The only way you avoid failing hilariously in the gym is if you never fucking try.

For instance, I started out with a sub-135 lb bench as a freshman in high school.  During my sophomore year, I took a weightlifting class and began competing on bench and weighted dips with another guy about my weight.  We benched 3 to 5 times a week, using ever angle on the bench, rep range, volume, and chest exercise permutation of which we could think.  By the end of that year, we were both benching 255 with regularity, and by the time Thanksgiving of my junior year rolled around, he hit 300 on the bench and I hit 285.

The upper body weakness of the members of Reddit's /r/fitness amuses her greatly.

We're not the only people I've seen make those jumps, either.  My girlfriend Krista, who grew up chubby as hell and totally unathletic, took up Olympic weightlifting her junior year in high school and continued through last year.  During that time, she never benched.  When she started benching in August of last year, she maxed out with a bounced touch-and-go 85lbs at a bodyweight of about 140.  She's now "strong" by the standards of the dumbass charts above for men because she's been training her ass off at the lift for 6 months and is now hitting paused singles at 155 at a bodyweight of 130.  That's right, she got leaner and much stronger in 6 months by busting her ass in the gym and dieting hard.


In college, my 150 lb rock climber roommate went from a 225 lb shitfest of a deadlift to 405 for ten in one year, and he never even took a protein supplement.  He just deadlifted and did pullups four or five days a week for a year.  He and I even got a kid we hated to squat 225 for a double after 6 months of training when he'd never squatted before in his life, and literally folded up like an accordion under 135 the first time he squatted.  Another guy in the gym at the time did an unassisted liftoff and touch and go bench of 495 at a bodyweight of around 250 and wouldn't even let anyone stand nearby to spot... just because it was badass.  This is how people get fucking strong.

I guarantee Mike Matarazzo never guaged his arm size against that of the average man for inspiration.

Your goal in life should never be to do "as well", be "as good", or work "as hard" as any other person.  Instead, you should be striving to overachieve at all times- this is how humanity has lurched forward even while monomaniacal assholes, religious zealots, and harbingers of economic doom wrought havoc on society at large.  Measurement by a standard set by the average person leads only to mediocrity, socialism, venereal disease, and eventual burial in an unmarked grave.  Transcendence of the human condition, however, leads to every extreme of which you could think- fame, infamy, riches, poverty, brilliance, insanity, super strength, and crippledness, but no matter what the goal, those people will be remembered for their efforts.  It's hardly a matter of what other people are doing that drives you forward, as other people are inconsequential nothings, motes of dust, and a possible minor irritation in the quest to achieve greatness, whether that greatness come in the form of intellectual or physical pursuits.

"Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
- H. L. Mencken

Since time immemorial, man has striven to transcend the human condition. Ancient people revered those who did so as gods, and they then became immortalized in the writings of the time.  Thus, the ancient warriors who served as the Michael Jordans of the battlefield are still remembered today, as Achilles and Ajax, Gilgamesh and Herecles.  Even at that time, humans looked for ways to vastly outdistance the performance of their peers, as we are a naturally competitive species, and codified systems of weight training emerged with specialized diets and concomitant performance enhancing drugs.  Herecles purportedly trained with weights under the tutelage of his patron Chiron (History of Weight Training), and Greek Olympians took everything from opium to bull testicles to improve their performance, all while eating a meat-heavy diet unlike anything eaten by the average Greek (History of PEDs in Sports) and using systems of weight training nearly as old as the written word.  This was not done in an effort to "cheat" as there was no draconian prohibition on the substances one could consume in order to exceed the performance of the average person, but rather simply to be better than the simpering, weak, ignorant troglodytes these great men found themselves surrounded by.  In short, they wanted to transcend the human condition through their own actions and self-improvement.


Fast forward to the modern era- Friedrich Nietzsche's Thus Spake Zarathustra ushers in a new era of transhumanism, a field of study that grew directly from Nietzsche's concept of the "Übermensch".  Amusingly, Nietzsche's work inspired the hero Superman, the goody-two-shoes alien superhero who taught generations of little boys to mind their p's a nd q's and do what they're told.  This was about as like the intent of Nietzsche's work as it was the creators of Silly Putty to have created a toy out of plastic explosives, and yet, just as the toy, Superman became a G-rated joke of what he was originally intended.  Nietzsche's original intent was that the übermensch (overman / superhuman) should transcend all of the trappings of humanity and exceed the intellectual, physical, and moral performances of their human underlings... most of which were embodied in Superman.  Superman, however, became a joke version of Nietzsche's theories because his superhuman strength and intellect were still bound to humanity by his laughable adherence to Judeo-Christian morality, which is neither logical nor laudable in the eyes of an übermensch.

“Something unappeased, unappeasable, is within me.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Driving the übermensch, and man in general, is the "will to power", a concept Nietzsche championed throughout his works and also serves as the basis for my interpretation of transhumanism.  For those who are unaware of the concept, transhumanism is generally the purview of people who want to become the Borg from Star Trek.  Instead of simply improving upon nature's design through force of will, these people seek to remove and replace parts they feel are weak, ugly, or ill-designed with technological constructs that serve the same, or better, purpose.  This concept, however, is at odds with what I believe to have been Nietzsche's intent, in addition to just being weirdly distasteful, if for no other reason than the fact that electing to allow someone to hack bits off your body and replace them with man-made parts is fucking strange.  Thus, instead of improving themselves by force of will, they are willing to pay for improvements to themselves that aren't really "theirs"- they're foreign objects where their parts used to be.

Not ideal.

The driving force behind the two sides of transhumanism, and many training protocols bandied about on the internet, is an age old question- "is it nature or nurture that makes us who we are?"  Philosophers have argued for centuries about this issue, and in spite of lengthy discourses written by men like Hobbes, Rousseau, Locke, and Grotius, philosophers still cannot come to a consensus on the subject.  luckily, however, I exist to finally put an end to the debate.  It is nurture, not nature, that makes man who he is.  At his essence, man is a brutish, violent, greedy, physical creature with the requisite mental acuity to wreak havoc on the world wholesale.  It is nurture that has forced man to become a simpering, cowering, weak-willed and -bodied version of his prototype, and it is nurture that can bring forth the best that prototype has to offer.  This process is neither pleasant, nor is it quick, but enduring it will allow you to regain the physical and intellectual superiority of our ancestors.

Perhaps not entirely accurate, but a far closer to the appearance of a Cro-Magnon man than your average salaryman is.  

For those of you, and I'm sure you are legion, who will contend that genetics play a large role in your current level of suckitude, allow me to pre-emptively retort- there has been no long-standing eugenics program of which I am aware that has created a race of subhumans.  The body somatotypes that are bandied about in bodybuilding magazine are well-recognized as psuedoscience by everyone but Joe Wieder and Reddit.  Your physical stature is a direct result of the food your parents fed you growing up and your level of physical activity.  That's called nurture, motherfuckers, not nature.  If you suck, it's because your parents trained you to do so and you decided to continue on the path they chose for you.  those people you think of when you think "genetic freak" are actually just people raised in an environment that made them what they are.  To wit:
  • Nikola Tesla, one of the most prolific inventors and intelligent people of all time, was constantly forced to do memory exercises and study as a child.  Because of this rigorous training, Tesla was able to do calculus in his head as a youth, and he retained most of what he learned through his father's rigourous mental exercises.  As for his inventive side, his mother was an inventor who created a number of devices to aid her in housework, which Tesla credited with inspiring his inventive side (PBS).  
  • Alexander Karelin, who was nicknamed "The Experiment", grew up in Siberia, the son of a truck driver and an office worker.  As he lived in Siberia, Karelin's life was far from cushy, and he grew incredibly strong from skiing everywhere and dragging trees he felled by hand through the tundra to their house for firewood.  This lifestyle inured him to hard and heavy training, which he initially conducted by rowing boats through ice-filled rivers and running for hours through waist deep snow.  He continued his brutal training throughout his career, eventually amassing a record in Greco-Roman wrestling of twelve European Championships, nine World Championships, and three Olympic gold medals, winning every match he entered for thirteen years, and going ten years without giving up a single point (Karelin).
  • Jerry Rice, widely considered to be the greatest wide receiver in NFL history, credits his brutal training regime with his success.  Rice had very average speed, but was able to set records that surpassed those of the second place receivers in total reception yards, total touchdowns, and total receptions by over 50%. Rice busted his ass in training to get the skills necessary to achieve these accomplishments, training twice a day, 6 days a week in the offseason.  Rice's workouts were so brutal that his trainer won't release them to the general public for fear someone would gravely injure themselves trying to replicate Rice's feats (Colvin).  
There are plenty of other examples, but you get the point- greatness is earned by a will to power; a will to surpass one's humanity; a will to become the übermensch.  No fancy program is necessary, no incremental progression will lead to greatness, and no amount of conversation about it will do a motherfucking thing.  

Stop talking and start doing.  Will yourself to power.

Sources:
Alexander Karelin Biography - Siberian Childhood, A Terrifying Maneuver, A Political Career, A Brilliant Career Ends, Chronology. Russia, Olympic, Ancient, and Gold - JRank Articles. Web.  20 Mar 2013. http://sports.jrank.org/pages/2441/Karelin-Alexander.html#ixzz2O8eH2IpT

Colvin, Geoff. Talent Is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else. .  London: Penguin Books, 2008.

Historical Timeline: History of Performance Enhancing Drugs in Sports.  Sports and Drugs- ProCon.Org.  Web.  17 Feb 2013.  http://sportsanddrugs.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=002366

Tesla:  Life and Legacy.  PBS.  Web.  20 March 2013.  http://www.pbs.org/tesla/ll/ll_early.html
The History of Weight Training.  Personal Power Training.  Web.  17 Feb 2013.  http://www.personalpowertraining.net/Articles/the_history_of_weight_training.htm

Your Fat Is Unequivocally Your Fault 2: Biggest Loser, Activists, and Loudmouthed Internet Shitbirds- I'd say "Fuck 'Em", But Who'd Want To?

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Of all of the horrible dreck foisted upon the American public by television production companies, the worst of them is without question the paean to failure called The Biggest Loser.  No one, no matter how disconnected from society they are, can possibly be unaware of this circus sideshow of obesity, given its ubiquitousness around the world.  I found the fact that it's a worldwide phenomenon to be rather surprising, given that it's accepted as a matter of course that Americans are the sloppiest bunch of hamburger-guzzling, sloth-like gluttons on the planet, but our fatness has apparently spilled over into other countries, like a wheezing fat man's gut over and under the armrest separating your chair from his on the airplane.  No fewer than 27 other countries and regions have aired this pathetic spectacle at some point, and America's actually had two concurrent shows at once- one in English and one in Spanish.

Univision:  Making failure their business since 1955.

My problems with the show are hardly the average litany of criticisms, as I am hardly the average man.  Most people find issue with the fact that the "poor" fatties on the show suffer while dehydrating themselves and subsisting on a starvation diet to win a game show.  Welcome to high school wrestling, big wide world- they're not doing shit high school and collegiate wrestlers do as a matter of course.  Shit, powerlifters cut weight all the time, and there's nothing but a medal at the end of the meet, rather than the Losers' hundreds of thousands of dollars.


They bemoan the fact that two contestants were hospitalized after a 1 mile foot race.  A one mile foot race?  Those fat fucks should have been shot on the side of the road, as the laggards (rightly) were in the Kurt Russell epic Soldier.  If you cannot make it a fucking mile on foot and you've got two working legs, you should shuffle off your mortal coil- there is absolutely no excuse on Earth to be in that kind of shape, and if you're in it, fucking die already.  You're a disgrace even to a species that worships people like the Kardashians and who think that living under a fascist dictatorship is "safety".

How about unrealistic expectations for the appearance of personal trainers?

They claim that the show sets unrealistic expectations for weight loss.  We're talking about a show wherein obese people go on hiatus from their jobs and train with trainers and have meals prepared by chefs and nutritionists while on a weight training vacation.  Did I mention they get paid on that vacation?  Well, they do.  Thus, they effectively have sponsorship while taking that weight training vacation.  How could that be anything but unrealistic?  Who on Earth, other than Marius Pudzianowski and Stan Efferding, can do that?  What could possibly be realistic about that.  Moreover, if you're a fat person using that show for inspiration, you've already failed- there's no pot of gold sitting at the end of your fatloss rainbow.  There's just a lot of loose skin and a gremlin sitting on your shoulder screaming at you to eat Oreos.

Fatties gonna fat.

They decry the fact that most of the contestants regain the weight they lost.  Welcome back to reality, people- that's what fucking happens.  Apparently, the concept of a bodyfat set point is as elusive to most people as it is that a distinct and driving predilection to make shitty food choices and be a lazy piece of shit is how those assholes got fat in the first place.  If they didn't care enough to do something about waistlines growing faster than the yeast infections between their sweaty thighs, they're certainly not going to do something about their weight after they get off the show, either.  We're talking about people who need a $300k carrot and a stick wielded by screaming trainers who chase them hither and yon 12 hours a day and direct their every move- without external motivation, those fatties are completely fucking useless.

I think I'll start a blog bitching about the fact that Top Gear sets unrealistic expectations for my car buying choices.  I would punch my mom in the mouth for a Lotus Elise.

Clearly, the world is missing the point entirely.  If anything, the show the Biggest Loser exists because it makes less fat people feel better about themselves, and most of America is fat as shit.  It's a visual Xanax for fatties thinking of (rightly) blowing their brains out because they've failed to keep the machine that is their body in top working order.  You don't see gearheads whining that the automotive makeovers common on stations that typically feature hunting and fishing are "unrealistic" because the people on those shows have unlimited time and resources to repair and refit hunks of junk.  That's because they know it's fantasy come to life, just like taking a 500 lb pile of dogshit and attempting to transform them into a productive member of society.  There's a difference, however- the car played no part in it's own destruction, whereas the fatties' self-destruction is pointed, willful, and persistent.

No caption is funny enough for this photo.

Quite frankly, I have no idea how I have come across these things, but one blog has stood out as a bulwark of nonsense amidst all of the moaning about the fatties on the Biggest Loser- the ridiculously titled "Dances With Fat".  This blog is the produce of a morbidly obese broad who champions the cause of "size acceptance" and rails against "fat discrimination", two concepts that are as stupid as they are pointless.  Fat acceptance, for instance, violates a deeply ingrained cultural response to the obese that all of the whining in the world isn't going to resolve- the Western World's distaste for obesity.  There are three categories for social stigma, according to anthropologists and psychologists- tribal stigma, abominations of the body, and blemishes of physical character.  Over the last half a century  researchers have determined that obese people fall into the latter two categories, as they are considered "undesirable and physically unattractive", and because their obesity is indicative of sloth and other moral failings in those around them (Carr).  There is little evidence, however, to suggest that these stigmas manifest in actual discriminatory action- people are too scared of being perceived as discriminatory to act on their distaste for land whales (Carr).  Instead, Carr argues, it is the Jabbas' own self-loathing projected onto other people that leads them to believe that they are the victims of discrimination.  They literally hate themselves so much that they (rightly) think everyone else should as well.


"Size acceptance" is an equally pointless enterprise, as whining about how equal you are when all empirical evidence shows otherwise, and because heath care costs are rising due to the fact that the self-destructive lifestyles of homo sapiens hippopomus.  It's one thing to have to dodge their ridiculous mechanical conveyances in Walmart because they've given up on walking and suffer behind them as they slowly trudge down an isle that they block completely with their bulk- it's yet another to have to subsidize those things because they're covered by Social Security and Medicare.  No one will accept a person's willful attempts to inconvenience those around them because they lack the self control in the baked goods isle necessary to keep themselves to a svelte 299 lbs.

If only there was an oven big enough to accommodate this whiny motherfucker, I would stuff him in it.

That said, the author of Dances With Fat recently railed against the current, horrifyingly disgusting season of The Biggest Loser.  For those of you who (blissfully) do not have that awful shit playing on the televisions in your gym nightly, this season has some of the whiniest fat kids you've ever seen making failed attempts to resemble their peers.  Not a moment goes by without complaint or tears, and 30 seconds into each episode you want to drag those fat fuckers to death behind your car blasting "Good Vibrations" from the radio and chugging a protein shake.  Never before have I been stronger in my resolve that we should just round up obese children and send them to the camps (in rail cars fit for cattle, as passenger cars would likely not withstand the strain created by their bulk), because if there's anything worse than children, it's whiny fat children in constant search of a Ring Ding while ostensibly well-intentioned people are trying to help them achieve their goals.  That's right, each of these fat fuckers has delivered a tearful missive describing the horrors of being left out of kickball because they can't run, or the shame of getting stuck on the slide.  The kids have explicitly stated that they want to lose weight, yet they bitch the entire goddamned time about the unfairness of having to diet and exercise.  I don't know about you guys, but when I was a kid, I didn't need to exercise, because I was constantly playing.  I ran everywhere, jumped off shit, rode my bike, and did the normal kid shit that keeps you from becoming a fat piece of shit.  If anything, the show's a waste of time because those lazy little fuckers are incapable of enjoying physical activity.  Rather than chain them to a treadmill, it'd be easier to drive them to the long-term lot at the airport in a stolen car, shoot them in the back of the head, and leave the car there to be discovered months later.  No one will miss hearing those fucking kids cry, and we've saved ourselves the time and money of trying to resuscitate their fat asses when they keel over from a heart attack at age 30.


Dick Talens, who apparently is someone people on Reddit care about, insists that it's not a lack of willpower that's keeping that winter coat of fat on the good people at your local buffet, it's that they've failed to create a positive feedback loop for themselves that spurs them on to "fitness", something he apparently champions.  Frankly, I could give a fuck about "fitness"- it's a throwaway blanket term to describe an ephemeral and subjective state of being.  In other words, making "fitness" your goal is fucking retarded.  In any event, he argues that the Biggest Loser is a terrible role model for the poor fat people of the world because it suggests that they should work really hard to achieve their goal, with the single-minded focus of a young Jeffrey Dahmer torturing his neighbor's cat.  Heaven's no!  Not hard work!  Anything but hard work!  What Talens fails to take into account when making his positive feedback loop is that the rewards must outweigh the costs for the fat slobs he champions, and that's often not going to happen.  Giving up Oreos to some people is tantamount to the French Foreign Legion throwing down their weapons the second they entered the city limits of Camerone.  We're talking about people whose entire existence is based upon the instant gratification they get from shitty foods and sloth- they're not going to be satisfied with the incremental progression they might get if they can avoid too many dietary indiscretions while doing something they hate (i.e. exercising).

When Griz wants to go for a walk, he gets to go for a goddamned walk. 

This, my friends, is because fatness is not caused by genetics, or environment, or bad parenting (unless the kid is really young).  It's from failure.  A fat adult is a person whose life history is written on their body- they've failed.  They've failed themselves, they've failed their sexual partners, they've failed their children... fuck, they even fail their pets, because those fat motherfuckers aren't taking their pooches on a needed 2 mile walk.  These are people who think "KFC Bowl" is a legitimate answer to the question "what's for dinner?"  They're the people who think a 40 inch waisted pair of jeans isn't a horrifying prospect and who haven't seen their genitalia without the aid of a mirror in years.  These, my friends, are unmitigated failures, and no amount of positive feedback loops are going to reverse the damage their failure has wrought- they will push those failures uphill for eternity, giant sloppy, Sisyphean sacks of cellulite rather than boulders, up a hill paved with Oreos and dried tears.


In summary, the Biggest Loser would only be acceptable entertainment if the contestants were constantly mocked and tormented with their favorite foods, all while the commentators for Most Extreme Challenge and Wipeout cracked jokes at the contestants' collective expense.  Sadly, the show fails to account for the inherent hilarity in fat people running and jumping, and focuses more on their incessant weeping and complaints.  Since a Venn Diagram displaying the body types of the people featured on Hoarders and the people on the Biggest Loser would consist of a single circle, it might just be easier to drive around to their houses, shoot all of the occupants, and burn them to the ground.  Either way, fat people should shut the fuck up about their fatness and suffer the miserable lives they've chosen to live in silence or fucking do something about their fatness, also silently, and not on television.  As they likely will refuse to do so and claim they have one of the many genetic disorders they love to insist are the problem, I'll just have to settle for mocking them in public and having a rage seizure every time Biggest Loser airs in the gym.

I pronounce this blog cleansed.

Here's part one of the series if you're interested.
Sources:
Carr D, Friedman MA.  Is obesity stigmatizing? Body weight, perceived discrimination, and psychological well-being in the United States.  J Health Soc Behav. 2005 Sep;46(3):244-59.

Random Awesome Shit Easter Edition

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Today being Easter, I thought it would be appropriate to offer up an Easter Basket full of goodies of which you've likely never heard, and which I thoroughly enjoy.  Lest you find yourself amongst the teeming hordes of non-Christians who could give a shit about Easter, buck up- I've got music, supplements, and movies to get you through this trying celebration of Christian piscetarian zombies.



Side note- a practice we need to adopt in the West is the Czech tradition of spanking women on Easter Monday.  Spankings are always good fun, and in this case they're for a good cause- the spanking grants the spankee good health and beauty over the coming year.   Therefore, find a booty and spank it on Monday.

One More Random Music Recommendation



Iggy Azalea

Speaking of booties... I realize I'm a little late to the party on this one, but my only exposure to Iggy had previously been her song"Pu$$y", which while amusing didn't have much staying power in my rotation.  Her latest shit, however, is damn good- badass beats, far smoother rhymes than most of what her "rival rapper" Kreayshawn, and fairly intelligent lyrics for a high school dropout.  Perhaps it's the booty, and perhaps it's the fact that she's from Australia and I'm fairly certain that I was an Aussie in a former life, but this shit is worth slipping into the rotation on the rare occasion I need a break from breakdowns.  The videos I posted below are some of her more mainstream stuff, but the new shit she's got out have beats that blow M.I.A.'s stuff out of the water- it's really more along the lines of seriously cool electro with rap overlaid on the beat.



Not off Iggy's album, but a fucking great song in any event:

Anything that mocks child beauty pageants is good by me:

Zeus likes this shit, so any fan of Friday can't hate on it too hard:

Her new mixtape is free, so you might as well grab it here.

Supplements
Perhaps in an effort to take a break from their primary directive of doing everything they do in their lives in the furtherance of evil, Russian scientists have delivered a beautiful baby onto the pharma market in Russia, and the US supplement market.  This baby is actually an entire family of drugs called racetams, which the Russians created to make people more intelligent.  They were probably looking for a way to get their scientists intelligent enough to make prostitution robots that crush a man's spirit and steal his wallet all at the same time, which playing the old Soviet national anthem.  Nevertheless, they've made huge leaps in the last few years with racetams- the family of drugs serving as pharmacological aids for memory, cognition, and a variety of other mental health features. These supplements, which were widely available for a short period of time in preworkouts and general nootropics were pulled when the US government issued a statement that stated that piracetam, the most popular of the racetams in the US, could not be sold in the United States because it did not fit the definition of a dietary supplement. As such, all of the racetams were pulled from product formulations that contained them. That is, until now. LGI Labs recently released N-Pept 10 and CTD Labs has Noopept both products contain what has been described as a "brain steroid", a substance called Noopept.  Noopept almost sounds too good to be true. Like the other racetams, it's used most heavily in Russia, and it is considered to be essentially a wonder drug. Though the mechanisms by which racetams work are unknown, the entire family of drugs appears to do the following:
  • reverses the effects of both aging and alcoholism on the brain
  • lowers signs of depression
  • improves memory
  • improves blood flow to parts of the brain associated with cognition and memory
  • aids in cognition for schizophrenics
Noopept is BETTER than the best of the previous racetams - by a factor of 1000. This stuff is basically the drug from the movie Limitless, only without going full retard after a couple of months. According to Wikipedia:
  • Animal studies have shown noopept to be neuroprotective and enhance memory in various tests.
  • Noopept displays both high oral bioavailability and good blood–brain barrier penetration in rats 
  • Human studies have shown promising results, with potential application in the treatment of Alzheimer's disease.  
  • It is also an "immunocorrector" in mice.
Best of all: Chronic treatment with Noopept was not followed by the development of tolerance, but even potentiated the neurotrophic effect.  Thus, the more and longer you take it, the better it works! In anecdotal research, each does seems to last 2 – 4 hours. Russian Noopept literature recommends taking a one month break from the product every 1.5 months to regain the euphoric feeling you get initially.
Dosing suggestions for Noopept are 10 – 20 mg taken 1 -3 times a day depending on your need. The specific optimal dosing for Noopept is .5mg per kg of bodyweight. You do not build up a tolerance for the Noopept so there is no need to increase the dosage past these levels.


I bought a bottle of this the other day and took it when I awoke on Saturday, with the intent that it might make me better at Call of Duty (yes, I lead an exciting life). Thus, I slammed a Bang!, popped 20 mg of D-Pept... and proceeded to read four issues of Muscular Development back to back and take notes on pertinent scientific studies outlined therein. That took me about an hour and a half, after which time I switched to Call of Duty and tore it up. This stuff is legit.

I'm not one to really hawk a supplement, but I'm sold by the science on this stuff.  If you fail to get some, you're pretty much just admitting to the world you don't give a fuck how stupid you might appear to the people around you when you open your mouth.


Bang! .357
Energy drinks generally taste like gasoline mixed with brake powder and smell like a poison you'd use to kill a dragon, with the faint overlay of a berry scent, ostensibly to distract the dragon from your aim.  As such, I very rarely consume them, as I like my taste buds and want to vomit when I smell a Red Bull in an enclosed space- they're like the Thais took all of the malice and evil behind turning an 8 year old boy into a castrated ladyboy prostitute was bottled and served in a can fit for an infant.  Bang! .357, however, is nothing like that.  The perfect compliment to my Noopept, Bang tastes like Mountain Dew, contains 357mg of caffeine, a bunch of BCAAs, creatine, glutamine, and CoQ10- basically making it akin to a liquified version of sex.  Pass on it if you must, but if you deign to take a sip as a break from your berry flavored poison, you will not be disappointed.

Titties, exploding heads, and nonstop hardstyle martial arts action.  Instant 1000 testosterone points when you watch this movie.  You might be wary due to the fact that it didn't make it to theaters, but this thing was filmed in 3D and intended for a theatrical release- they just couldn't cut it down enough to get an R-rating.  Yeah, it's THAT violent.  We're talking a movie consisting of equal parts of the original Universal Soldier, Fight Club, and Raid: Redemption that features a cast consisting of Van Damme, Dolph, Scott Adkins, former UFC champ Andrei Arlovski, and former boxing champ Roy Jones Jr.- you're night going to find a better cast in any action movie, with the obvious exception of Expendables 2 (as it featured all of the first three).



Click here for the most intellectual review of one of the most violent films ever produced.  I couldn't have written a better review, so I won't bother trying.



Dredd 3D

Another film shot in 3D, and if you missed it in the theaters, you seriously missed out- this movie is the reason that technology was invented.  True to the comic, violent as hell, well acted, and pretty much cool in every possible sense.  If it's possible for a movie that consists of little more than violence to be artistic, this is art.



Even Wired loved this movie- "Dredd 3D might be the only movie ever to make audiences say, “Did you see that guy get his face blown off? It was beautiful!” Ultraviolence isn’t for everyone, but for those who like their carnage over the top, this movie is aces."  Watch it.  Now.



Ted

Quite frankly, I was leery of this one.  Family Guy seems to have jumped the shark a decade ago, and I couldn't imagine a worse plot for a movie than Marky Mark with an animated talking bear.  I, however, was gravely mistaken- this movie could hardly have been funnier, even had it included Will Ferrell making random cameos.  The story follows Marky Mark as he copes with the fact that his best childhood friend, a stuffed bear, came to life after the former New Kid wished upon a star that he do so.  Ted, the bear, is a foul-mouthed, coke-snorting playboy who drags Wahlberg into a never ending series of hilariously offensive scenes, all the while being pursued by the astonishingly creepy dude from Boiler Room (another awesome movie you might as well throw in your Netflix queue).  Did I mention this movie also features Mila Kunis, Putty from Seinfeld, and the dude from that horrible 1980s Flash Gordon movie?  Well, it does, because they attempted to pack as much awesome as possible into a movie no one has apparently ever seen.



Still on the fence?  How about a bit of the dialogue?

Frank: You had sexual intercourse on top of the produce that we sell to people?
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip. Then I sold that same parsnip to a family of four.

Just watch the fucking thing, preferably while wearing diapers in the likely event you piss yourself laughing.



Blood Car
If any of you have ever heard of this movie, I'll be shocked.  I stumbled across this gem in the now defunct indie movie rental store chain TLA, which was a staple in the Philadelphia area for years before it fell like wheat before Redbox and Netflix's scythes.  I happened across it on the new releases wall and snatched it up after seeing the cover, as I am easily amused and used to buy cds and movies based on their covers.

In any event, Blood Car is the story of a nerdy vegan in the near future who accidentally discovers that the engine he's designed to work on wheatgrass actually will run on blood.  Thus, he installs it in his car (gas prices have made it uneconomical to drive) and starts stuffing every motherfucker he can find in it to bang a chick who runs a butcher's stand.  Not only is it as awesome as it sounds, the meat chick actually pisses on him in one of the many sex scenes.  Need I say more?  I think not.

Black Devil Doll
This is the perfect drunken Friday night movie- unabashedly racist, blax- and sexploitation epic that features a horrible black doll whose body gets inhabited by the spirit of an executed Black Power death row inmate.  After taking control of the doll, Chuckie Mumia pretends to fall in love with the huge-titted doll's owner, which simply turns out to be a ploy to bang her friends.  The movie's little more than tits and ridiculous exclamations by a hard-dicked stereotype of a gangbanger in a voodoo-infused doll, and that's fine by me.  Awesome by any standard.
Cue any song Luke (Luke Skywalker of 2 Live Crew, for the babes amongst you)ever recorded.

Bonus Music:  The Poozles Recommends

Nekrogoblikon
My girlfriend is considerably cooler than yours, and probably most of your guy friends as well.  As such, I feel compelled to pass along her most recent favorite band, adding this to a list of bands that includes Yesterday I Had Roadkill, Nine Inch Nails, Whitechapel, Butcher, and Rammstein.  I forgive her for the Rammstein, as should you.  I was previously unaware of her love for folk metal, which I despise, but after mocking the shit out of a band called Finntroll, I found she didn't share my distate for metal recorded at a Renn Faire.  When I happened across Nekrogobilicon, I had to tell her, because this shit is actually tolerable.  Thus, check them out- they're sort of a wacky symphonic death metal.  It's a combination of the fun beats of Cradle of Filth with the vocals and sound of Black Dahlia Murder.  Even if you hate all of the above, their videos are still entertaining.

Baddest Rivalry Ever: Bill Kazmeier vs. Jon Pall Sigmarsson

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Godzilla and Mothra.  Tyson and Holyfield.  Tom and Jerry.  Frazier and Ali.  Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.  David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar.  Humanity has always loved a good rivalry, and the World's Strongest Man is no exception.  Unfortunately, WSM is no longer as it was, with huge men with huger personalities doing battle on what amounted to a game show for the illustrious British Meat trophy.  Certainly, modern athletes are better prepared for the events, better conditioned, and altogether superhuman, but the contest lacks the pitched battles of its forebears, the compelling characters, and the yearly rivalries.  The earliest of these rivalries was Britain's Geoff Capes, a man who from his appearance seemed better suited to beach volleyball than strongman, versus a psychotic, foaming at-the-mouth, apoplectic Bill Kazmaier.   Capes really couldn't hang with Kaz on anything, and was far too nice a guy to really make the rivalry interesting.  The hilariously named British Meat company was the sponsor at the time, however, so the show really tried to prop up their Brits as much as humanly possible.  Kaz dominated the field in 1981 and 1982, crushing his competition so completely that he was not invited back to the competition until 1988.

Jon Pall, some tiny goofball, and Geoff Capes, President of Sadotopia and Duke of Fatbodiland.

By the time Kaz got back into the WSM, Jon Pall Sigmarsson, a hilarious, jacked, and Norse-pride-infused Icelander was on top of the WSM heap.  Jon Pall was an interesting counterpoint to Kaz- whereas Kaz seemed to rely on a blend of hate-fueled rage and brute strength, Jon Pall combined a wry sense of humor, a hell of a lot of Viking pride, and an extremely diligent training schedule.  The two men then battled for preeminence in the world of strongman from 1987 through 1989, when Kaz finally quit the sport as his injuries accumulated faster than he could recover from each.  Frankly, one could say that their rivalry began after Kaz's strongman and powerlifting careers had reached their zenith, but their rivalry managed to transcend that fact simply because each was batshit insane enough, each in his own way, to make the competitions featuring both behemoths the greatest in history.

First, a tale of the tape:

On paper, both of these massive dudes were fairly similar- they were of similar height, more or less similar weight, and both began as powerlifters, though Kaz competed as a superheavyweight and Jon Pall competed in the 275 lb class.  Kaz, eldest of the two by seven years, started lifting weights when he was at the University of Wisconsin, where he played fullback.  After two years, Kaz dropped out of school to pursue powerlifting, doing virtually every ridiculously manly job he could find while doing so.  It's said that a man once immediately grew a full beard after accidentally brushing shoulders with Kaz in the gym, and that he was able to induce pregnancy and miscarriage in any woman within 100 yards of him simply by thrusting his hips in her general direction and giving her his most alluring, bug-eyed, psychotic, "I'm going to eat your babies" stare.

Cue "Big Pimpin'"

He obtained his unbelievable machismo and testosterone levels at least in part from the jobs he held after leaving football, as he worked as a Patrick Swayze-esque "cooler" in the roughest bars he could find, an oil rig roughneck, and a lumberjack, looking equally magnificent in a leather duster, whatever it is that roughnecks wear, and plaid and a bushy beard.  While working his way through his list of jobs guaranteed to put 100 lbs on your bench and an inch on your penis, Kaz set a world record in the raw bench press and completely dominated the superheavy weight class.  Bored with his dominance of a sport that consisted of three measly events, Kaz shifted his attention to the wild and woolly world of strongman, wherein he became the first man mountain to lift all five of the famed McGlashan stones (now known as the Atlas stones) in competition, the first man to press the Thomas Inch dumbbell overhead, the first man to win three World's Strongest Man competitions in a row, and the only person of whom I've ever heard who has had their physique compared favorably to that of a dinosaur and an elephant.  I'm not bullshitting you- in one Cambridge University text on animal physiology, Kaz's superhuman squat and bench press were used by a scientist to determine how large an animal could possibly get on our planet.


Kaz rounded out his storied strength career with a tryout with the green Bay Packers (a move later imitated with similar failure by the man with the worst tattoo in history, Brock Lesnar) and stints in the WCW, RINGS, and New Japan, wherein he was at his leanest and most intimidating.  Before moving his one-man circus to wrestling, however, Kaz compiled one hell of a record in strength sports:


Strongman Competitions

World's Strongest Man
1979-  3rd
1980- 1st
1981- 1st
1982-  1st
1988- 2nd
1989- 4th

World Muscle Power Championships
1985- 3rd
1988- 1st

World Strongman Challenge
1988- 3rd
1990- 2nd

Pure Strength
1987- 2nd
1988- 1st w/Stuart Thompson
1989- 2nd w/O.D. Wilson
1990- 1stw/O.D. Wilson

Scottish Power Challenge
1984- 1st
1985- 1st
1986- 1st
1987- 1st
1988- 1st
1989- 1st

Strongbow Strongman
1980- 1st

Le Defi Mark Ten Challenge
1987- 1st
1990- 2nd

Powerlifting Competitions
  • Junior National Powerlifting Champion-275 Pound Class-(760-512-760-2033) (1978)
  • Senior National Powerlifting Champion-275 Pound Class-(782-534-804-2121) (1978)
  • World Powerlifting Champion-Superheavyweight-(865-622-804-2292 lbs) (1979)
  • World Record-Bench Press-Superheavyweight-622 lbs (1979)
  • World Record-Bench Press-Superheavyweight-634 lbs (1980)
  • World Record-Bench Press-Superheavyweight-639 lbs (1981)
  • World Record-Bench Press-Superheavyweight-661 lbs (1981)
  • World Record-Powerlifting Total-Superheavyweight-(926-661-837-2424 lbs) (1981)
  • World Record-Deadlift-Superheavyweight-887 lbs (1981)
  • Senior National Powerlifting Champion-Superheavyweight Class-(870-540-837-2248) (1982)
  • World Powerlifting Champion-Superheavyweight Class-(848-501-799-2149) (1983)
As if that wasn't enough, Kaz set some other random records and benchmarks worth noting for comparison with Jon Pall:
  • Louis Cyr Dumbbell Side Raise and Hold- (Louis Cyr-88 lbs in one hand and 97 lbs in the other); 89 lbs in one hand and 101 lbs in the other for 6 reps. 
  • Louis Cyr Dumbbell Front Raise and Hold- (Louis Cyr-131 lbs. for 1 rep.) 210 lbs x 6 reps.
  • Loglift- 375 lbs 
  • Dumbbell Press-100 lbs X 40 reps
  • Member of 10 Man Team that Pulled a 14 ton Tractor and Attached Caravan for 2 Miles
  • Barbell Curl- 440 lbs
  • Barbell Cheat Curl- 315 lbs x 15
  • Seated Barbell Press- 448 lbs X 3 
  • Deadlift (with straps)-904 lbs 
  • 56 lb. Weight Toss Over Bar (Scottish Highland Games)-Height: 18 feet and 3 inches 
  • 374 Clean and Jerk, 837 Deadlift, 120s x 17 Dumbbell Press in the Strongbow Superman Contest


Jon Pall was no slouch in the awesome department, either.  Growing up on an island near Iceland's largest fjord, Jon Pall apparently wandered the countryside lifting frozen rocks and sacrificing babies to the Norse gods.  By the time he was 15, Jon Pall started competing in Olympic weightlifting, as Europeans seem to think destroying their joins and masturbating with PVC pipe is an enjoyable way to pass the time.  He trained in glima from the age of five onward as well, as he put on at least one public exhibition of his skills in the sport during his strongman career.  For those of you who lack Wikipedia access, glima is a type of belt wrestling not dissimilar to that of the Mongolians and Tibetans, Schwingen, and a couple of other random styles scattered throughout the world, and glima is basically Iceland's national sport.  In any event, Jon Pall eventually tired of his wacky Eastern European trick lifting and joined the legions of beasts who were at that time setting a new world record in powerlifting every other hour.


After excelling in the sport and coming to the realization that a world record in powerlifting is little more important to the world at large than the release of a new model Daewoo automobile, Jon Pall decided to try his hand at strongman.  Unfortunately, Sigmarsson's breakout year occurred in concert with Kaz's shunning, so the two did not meet on a battlefield blessed by Brodin in 1983.  Like Kaz, Sigmarsson kept competing in powerlifting while a strongman, and set the Iceland and European world records in the bench, squat and deadlift in 1983.  In 1984, discontented with merely ruling two strength sports, Jon Pall oiled up, strapped on a banana hammock, and won the Icelandic bodybuilding championships.  Thereafter, he went back and shit all over his competition for a few years in strongman (becoming the first man to win four WSMs in a row) until his heart exploded while deadlifting- just as a Viking would want to go.


Jon Pall's competition resume reads much like Kaz's, which is part of what made their rivalry so awesome.

Strongman
World's Strongest Man
1983 - 2nd
1984 - 1st
1985 - 2nd
1986 - 1st
1988 - 1st
1989 - 3rd
1990 - 1st

World Muscle Power Championship
1985 - 1st
1986 - 1st
1987 - 2nd
1988 - 3rd
1989 - 1st
1990 - 1st
1991 - 1st
1992 - 3rd

Europe's Strongest Man
1983 - 3rd
1985 - 1st
1986 - 1st
1987 - 3rd
1988 - 2nd
1989 - 3rd
1990 - 4th
1992 - 4th

Scottish Power Challenge
1989 - 1st

Le Defi Mark Ten Challenge
1985  - 3rd
1986 - 2nd
1987 - 5th

Pure Strength
1987 - 1st

Scandinavian Strongest Man
1982 - 1st

European Hercules
1991 - 2nd
1992 - 6th

Ultimate Challenge Competition 
1987 - 1st
1987 Japan Grand Prix - 2nd

Corby Great Eccleston (England) 
1989 - 1st

Iceland's Kraftur Contest 
1989 - 1st

Nissan Power Cup 
1990 - 1st

European Muscle Power Championship
1990 - 1st

Iceland's Strongest Man 
1985 - 1st
1990 - 1st
1991 - 1st
1992 - 1st

Finland's Strongest Man
1989 - 1st
1992 - 1st


Powerlifting

IPF World Powerlifting Championships 
1981 - 3rd 125kg

EPF European Powerlifting Championships
1980 - 2nd 125kg
1981 - 2nd 125kg
1983 -1st 125kg

NPF Nordic Powerlifting Championships
1979 - 2nd +110kg
1980 - 1st +125kg
1981 - 1st +125kg

Olympic Weightlifting
1980 Icelandic Olympic weightlifting Championships - 1st

Highland Games
1986 Carmunnock Highland Games (Scotland) - 7th
1986 Commonwealth Highland Games (Scotland) - 1st

Also like Kaz, Jon Pall set some fairly impressive personal records worth noting for their upcoming comparison:
  • In competition (1980)- Snatch: 242 lbs, Clean and Jerk: 330 lbs at 272 lbs.
  • One arm deadlift- 506 lbs (without straps)
  • First man to load a 150kg Atlas stone
  • Pushed 3,000 lb wheelbarrow 3.06m

This is how the stage was set for these two titans of strength to meet in our Earthly Valhalla known as the World's Strongest Man.  Up next, Kaz talks some shit and Jon Pall metaphorically bitch slaps him in their first meeting, then they become friends even while screaming and foaming at the mouth, plus the workouts that made them the beasts they were.

Please the Facebook gods and like this shit on Facebook.  Apparently it means something if you do.
Sources:
Bill Kazmaier.  American Strength Legends.  Web.  1 Apr 2013.  http://samson-power.com/ASL/kaz.html

Bill Kazmaier.  Wikipedia.  Web.  4 Apr 2013.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Kazmaier

Freedman, Lisa.  Fittest Americans of All-Time.  Men's Fitness.  Web.  3 Apr 2013.  http://www.mensfitness.com/leisure/entertainment/fittest-americans-of-all-time?page=6

Holden, Ted.  Dinosaurs and the gravity problem.  The Anomalist.  Summer 1994.  Web.  11 Apr 2013.  http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/ciencia/ciencia_dinosaurs01.htm

Henderson, Bill.  Jon Pall Sigmarsson.  Strongestman.billhenderson.org.  Web.  11 Apr 2013.  http://strongestman.billhenderson.org/bios/jonpall.html

Jon-Pall Sigmarsson Tribute Page.  Web. 11 Apr 2013.  http://home.earthlink.net/~jonpallsigmarsson/

Jón Páll Sigmarsson.  Wikipedia.  Web.  11 Apr 2013.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J%C3%B3n_P%C3%A1ll_Sigmarsson

Baddest Rivalry Ever- Kaz Vs. Jon Pall Part 2

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The face of sanity.

Having set the stage for the battle between the incomparable titans of World's Strongest Man, it is now time to examine the Kaz-Sigmarsson rivalry in detail.  Though their first meeting is often believed to be the 1988 World's Strongest Man, the first meeting between the two roaring beasts was in 1985, in which Kaz and Sigmarsson went head to head in the World Muscle Power Classic.





Prior to the inaugural World Muscle Power Classic, Kaz had bounced around a bit.  After taking third in his initial foray into World's Strongest Man, Kaz went on to win it three times in a row, beating his (alleged) rival Capes by an average margin of 21.6 points.  As such, in their first three meetings, Kaz and Capes were rivals in the same way the US Army and the Iraqi Army were rivals in the 1990s.  Thereafter, as Kaz made a triumphant return to powerlifting to dominate that sport, Capes went on to beat Jon Pall by very slim margins a couple of times, and then lost handily a couple of times to the Viking berserker.  Sadly, as Kaz languished in the frozen tundra of Don'tcomebackbecauseyouembarrasseveryonewhenyoubeatthefuckingbreaksoffthem-land, Pall and Capes had to compete in the shadow of Kaz's greatness and endure constant commentary about how neither of them would be a true champion until they beat Kaz in a WSM.  It wasn't until 1985 that Kaz and Jon Pall would face off, with Capes in the middle like a thong crammed between two beautiful Brazilian ass cheeks, and it wouldn't be until 1988 that Kaz would be welcomed back into the warmth of World's Strongest Man's pillowy bosoms.


Life could be worse.

Kaz's return to strongman was hardly triumphant, as he came in third to Jon Pall and Capes in one of his only losses to the latter.  Not much information is available on the event, save for the event list and the placings.  Surprisingly, the events were by and large Scottish Highland games-style events, which makes it odd Kaz didn't fare better.  He failed to dominate either Capes or Pall, and Pall walked away with the gold.  What's curious here is that the events should have come as naturally for Kaz as banging teenagers and making boring movies is for Woody Allen.  Instead, Kaz found himself for two years on the outside looking in to the world of strongman, about as capable of winning a competition as an armless broad would be at winning a flapjack-flipping competition.  After sitting out the 1986 season in major strongman compeitions, Kaz again attempted to best Capes and Jon Pall.  1987 was the only year since the WSM's inception that the contest was not held, and in its place, was an event some consider to be the seminal strongman event of all time- Pure Strength.  Were I pressed to give my opinion, I contend that Fortissimus is in fact the greatest Strongman competition of all time, but Pure Strength certainly wasn't too far off.  Intended to be a fill-in for the defunct WSM, Pure Strength was initially a competition between the three best strongmen of the era- Geoff Capes, Bill Kazmaier, and Jon Pall Sigmarrson.  What was intended to be a three man race was really just a two man competition between Kaz and Jon Pall, however, as Capes didn't post a win in any of the events.  Instead, Capes won the off-camera cake eating competition and received a shiny participant's medal, which he also ate.


We should all look so good.

Should you attempt to look up Pure Strength, you'll likely only find youtube videos reminiscent of the Playboy channel of the 1980s- if you recall, most of us spent much of our formative years in an effort to discern what the fuck was being displayed, as it was for us mostly static and blurred lines set to a backdrop of passionate moaning.  If you paid close attention, you might occasionally see a titty with a nipple on it, but the majority of the image was analog nonsense.  That's the video quality of most of the extant Pure Strength footage, but like the Playboy Channel of yore, close attention to the image pays off.  Nevertheless, the competition featured a somewhat pudgy Kaz facing a bloated Jon Pall in his prime, with a bearded Eric Cartman in a tiny track jacket looking on from the sidelines.  Pure Strength was interesting not just for the fact that it featured a 1980's strongman competition between King Kong and Godzilla, though- it was unique in its events as well.  Despite their uniqueness, none of the events proved to be terribly difficult for Jon Pall, as he went on to win 8 of the ten.  Kaz only managed two wins, and displayed both an astonishing contempt for the world at large and for anything resembling good form throughout the competition.


Viking power.

In the forward hold, for instance, Jon Pall screamed encouragement to himself as he dominated the field, while Kaz simply seemed to give up with a look of disgust on his face in pretty short order.  The event was actually pretty cool, as each competitor had to hold a claymore at arm's length in one hand and a shield in the other.  The McGlashen stones went no better for Kaz, as he utilized none of the form one typically sees in stone lifting, instead choosing to basically bend at the waist somewhat lazily, throw the stone onto his shoulder, and walk rather lackadaisically to the bin in which he had to deposit it.  Kaz then went on to lose at a number of events for which he was famous, including the log lift, the deadlift, and the caber toss.  Jon Pall, to his credit, had been training in the Highland Games events for some time, making his transition from powerlifting to strongman to Highland Games rather easily.  Kaz, though an accomplished Highland Games competitor and all-around strongman badass, couldn't manage to channel his obvious hatred for all things great and small long enough to win anything but the weight for height and the stone carry, though he should have won some kind of award for "best look of boredom and contemptousness in history".


I'm paying attention and I care.  Seriously.  I do.

At the time, Kaz held multiple world records in powerlifting and was the only three-time World's Strongest Man.  Thus, in spite of the fact that he placed behind both Sigmarsson and Capes in strongman, he was still arguably the strongest human on the planet, and his workout belied his superhuman stature.  Surprisingly, Kaz only trained four days a week, though his volume was pretty much what you'd expect- a hell of a lot of work.  You've likely seen some nonsense online wherein Kaz trained with high reps, though that's not what I found, and it's not what would make sense- high reps would make about as much sense for Bill Kazmaier as a donkey would be for transportation in a race against a Ferrari.


In case you want to see it for yourself.


When getting ready for a meet, Kaz would plan out his workouts months in advance, so he'd be able to envision exactly what he'd be lifting in preparation for the lifts he'd be making.  Thus, once he actually got underneath the poundages that would liquefy the bowels of lesser mortals, he'd already lifted them dozens of times in his head- this way, everything he did was old hat, even the first time he actually lifted it.  Though you'll read all over that Kaz only did sets of 10 and higher, his competition prep would begin with sets of 5, then drop to 3 and then 2 as the meets approached.

Monday
Bench (heavy)- warm up, then 4 work sets
Wide Grip Bench- 3 x 10 reps
Narrow Grip Bench- 3 sets x 10 reps
Front Delt Raise 4 sets x 8 reps
Dumbell Seated Press 4 sets x 10 reps
Side Delt Raise 4 sets x 10 reps
Lying Tricep Push (after 2 warm up sets) 6 sets x 10 reps
Tricep Push Down 4 sets x 10 reps

Tuesday
Squat (heavy) warm up, then 4 work sets
Deadlift (light) warm up, then 3 work sets
Shrugs 2 sets x 15-40 reps, 1 set x 10-20 reps
Seated Hammer Curls 4 sets x 12 reps
Standing Curl 4 sets x 10 reps
Close Grip Chin Ups 3 sets x max on each set
Seated Row 4 sets x 10 reps
Leg Extensions 3 sets x 10 reps
Leg Curl 3 sets x 10 reps
Calf Raise 3 sets x 15-25 reps



Thursday
Bench (light) warm up, then 3 work sets
Wide Grip Bench 3 sets x 10 reps
Narrow Grip Bench 3 sets x 10 reps
Dumbell Seated Press (heavy) warm up, then 4 sets x 8 reps
Front Delt Raise 4 sets x 10 reps
Tennis Backhand Cable Extensions 4 sets x 10 reps
Prone Tricep Extension 4 sets x 10 reps

Saturday
Deadlift (heavy) warm up, then 4 work sets
Squat (light) warm up, then 4 sets x10 reps
Shrugs (heavy) 4 sets x 10-15 reps
Seated Hammer Curl 4 sets x 8 reps
Concentration Curl 4 sets x 12 reps
One Arm Row – 3 positions 3 sets x 10 reps
Wide Grip Pull (down to chest) 4 sets x 10 reps
Leg Extensions 3 sets x 10 reps
Leg Curl 3 sets x 10 reps
Calf Raise 3 sets x 15-25 reps
(Ab Work When Possible)

I've no idea how long these workouts must have taken, but it's longer than most of us are willing to spend in the gym... or is it?  In the next installment, we'll take a look at how Jon Pall lifted to prepare for battle with Kaz, and I'll probably just dispense with pics of Kaz, Jon Pall, and Cartman for pics of a certain Brazilian broad with a gigantic booty.


One more Andressa Soares pic, because booty.

Sources:
Hercules, Iron.  Bill Kazmaier Routine (apparently sourced from Marty Gallagher article no longer available online).   Muscle and Brawn.  28 Jun 2009.  Web.  3 Apr 2013.  http://muscleandbrawn.com/bill-kazmaier-training-routine/

Smoker, John.  A Seminar with Kazmaier.  Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  Nov 2009.  Web.  3 APr 2013.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/11/seminar-with-kazmaier-jon-smoker.html


No homosexual is gay enough not to fuck this broad.

Ask The Asshole: Comic Book Edition + Hotties And Nootropics

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I get asked questions so random that a group of ninja specops guys would need years to find the secret nazi machine necessary to decode the code that would unlock the rhyme and reason behind the questions.  In any event, the questions occasionally provide a nice break from mocking sundry fat people (if you think my commentary on Capes is a bit stiff, wait until I start in on Rulon Gardner) and this has proven to be a highly entertaining exercise, at least for me.  In any event, my comic book heyday likely predated most or all of your collective comic book experience- I started reading comics a great deal in the 5th grade, when I had the ability to ride my bike to places that sold them.  At that point, it was a weird time in comics- the Comics Code was still in effect, but both Marvel and DC were paying less attention to it.  For those of you who are blissfully unaware of the comic book industry's self-censorship period, allow me to explain- in the 1950s, comic books were getting far too awesome for Christians.  As such, people in American states who thought that the banjo was an acceptable medium by which they could convey a musical message started burning comics, apparently in an effort to promote the illiteracy for which the Bible Belt is so famous.  After watching massive piles of comics get burned by psychotic hillbillies, the comic book industry decided they'd just censor themselves, and really went balls-out with it.  The rules they set forth, as summarized by the good people at Wikipedia, were the prohibition of
"the presentation of "policemen, judges, government officials, and respected institutions ... in such a way as to create disrespect for established authority." But it added the requirements that "in every instance good shall triumph over evil" and discouraged "instances of law enforcement officers dying as a result of a criminal's activities." Specific restrictions were placed on the portrayal of kidnapping and concealed weapons. Depictions of "excessive violence" were forbidden, as were "lurid, unsavory, gruesome illustrations." Vampires, werewolves, ghouls and zombies could not be portrayed. In addition, comics could not use the words "horror" or "terror" in their titles. The use of the word "crime" was subject to numerous restrictions. Where the previous code had condemned the publication of "sexy, wanton comics," the CCA was much more precise: depictions of "sex perversion", "sexual abnormalities", and "illicit sex relations" as well as seduction, rape, sadism, and masochism were specifically forbidden. In words echoing the Hollywood Production Code, love stories were enjoined to emphasize the "sanctity of marriage" and those portraying scenes of passion were advised to avoid stimulating "lower and baser emotions."
In other words, if it was cool, anti-authority, scary, bloody, or in any way badass, it was disallowed.  that left very little for anyone with an imagination and a love of excitement to work with.  By the mid-Eighties, however, comic book companies were starting to take risks, and even the odious DC comics got gritty for about five minutes.  By the early nineties, comics were understandably at the height of their non-golden age popularity, and a number of Marvel's titles were revamped with the most popular artists at the helm (basically, the guys who went on to form Image) to push popularity even higher.  they got a little big for their britches, however, and started putting out multiple versions of the same issue with slightly different covers to capitalize on the fact that people were at that point collecting comics as an investment.  that, of course, backfired, and the glut of comics on the market, combined with declining quality as comics were rushed to print, caused a crash of the industry that left Marvel bankrupt.  At that point, my interest in comics flagged for a while, and I've only periodically gotten back into them when interesting artists or story lines emerge.  In short, most of you guys will likely have never heard of the shit I'm about to recommend, and you may well fall asleep as I nerd it up hardcore.

Though this has nothing whatsoever to do with comics, it's hilarious:

Who are your favorite comic characters and why?


Before I get started on what my favorites are, I need to address Wizard's top 200 comic book characters, 2008.  For those of you who got laid in high school and had more friends than you could count on a single hand as a youth, Wizard is a magazine devoted to the world of comic books, and as such is pretty much the final word in comics.  As such, this list comes as something of a surprise, as it's incontrovertibly wrong, in almost every regard, past the first seven entries.  This list could probably suck more, but it'd be hard to do.  I'll just give you guys the top twenty, as it's long as fuck and consistently horrible, especially as the numbers get higher.  There are "heroes" on this list so obscure they make the random references of Dennis Miller seem downright banal by comparison, and most of the list appears to just be filler.  Nevertheless, here's their top 20:

1. Wolverine- Granted.
2. Batman- Granted.
3. Spider-Man- Granted.
4. Superman- Granted.  I've always found Superman to be the least compelling superhero on Earth, but for people without a scintilla of backbone, I'm sure the magical Superman empowers them.  Somehow.  For those of you who are unaware, Superman was inspired by a book I love entitled Gladiator.  The protagonist in Gladiator is a complex character, hardly invincible, certainly not a Boy Scout, and more of a Juggernaut-style bad guy gone good than a dithering bitch-style Superman.  Whereas early on in the comic Superman echoed Gladiator's darker, more philosophical tone, and Superman had only the abilities of the Hulk with a greater intellect, we all know that Superman later became more of a god than a super-strong humanoid.  A very whiny, uncompelling, unquestioning, vapid, soulless god.  As such, the original incarnation would have made for a far more interesting character.  Instead, we're given a goody-two-shoes bitch who has every power under the sun and only serves as a cautionary tale against letting downtrodden pussies write for comic book companies.


5. The Joker-  Absolutely.
6. Rorschach- I'm not a 100% on the Watchmen bandwagon, but Rorshach's a character worth paying some attention due to the dialogue in the Watchmen comic.  Were he a real person I would meet on the street, I'd bounce his head off every hard object I could find and toss his body off an overpass, because moralistic psychos are hardly what the world needs more of.  Nevertheless, his general brand of insanity does lend itself nicely to the page.
7. Captain America-  Frankly, I've never liked Cap, but he's an American icon and pretty integral to Marvel.  I'll let it slide, but I'll go on record saying the only more boring character in the top ten is Superman, and not by much.
8. Hellboy- Debatable.   Mike Mignola is perhaps one of my least favorite artists, however, so my opinion is biased.  I lump Mignola into the same camp of heavy-handed, overhyped, painfully simplistic, imaginationless artists as John Romita Jr., Sal Buscema Sr., and Steve Dillon, which for me made Mignola's books completely unreadable.  I'll accept it in the top ten, however, as it's an Image comic, the movies were decent, and my personal bias against his particular brand of shitty artwork colored my opinion of the writing.
9. Magneto- A bizarre choice and generally shit.  If Magneto had ever been written correctly, every human on Earth would be dead and the X-Men comics would basically be mutant hentai.  I have no problem with that, either.
10. John Constantine- WHAT THE FUCK?  Constantine was well-written, granted, but it was barely a comic book- it was an illustrated novel.  Constantine has as much right to be in the top twenty list of comic book characters as Oscar Pistorius has for being "Boyfriend of the Year 2013".  Moreover, the movie managed to place an American golem in the role of caustic-witted, chronically overtired, and occasionally hilarious Brit John Constantine, which shows how much respect the world at large has for his character.
11. The Thing-  Sweet jesus christ.  Let's get this straight- the Fantastic Four are, without question, the worst pack of do-nothing, shit-powered, useless, whiny, badly-drawn fucktards in comic book history.  The Thing was perhaps the worst of the bunch- he was a semi-literate juggernaut who should have been wrecking shop 24-7, yet was bound by the strictures of his lame-assed superhero quartet to do nothing more than give Sick Of It All a badass song title.  When he could have been a perfect amalgam of the Hulk and the Punisher, he was instead a weepy, rock-faced, shitbird in the single worst comic book not named "Dazzler" of all time.


12. Snake-Eyes- Definitely.
13. Kitty Pryde-  How in the fuck did she make the list?  In a group of individuals whose powers range from teleportation to invincibility to shooting earthquakes out of your hands to an unimpenitrable arm-plated body on a Soviet super-soldier, the emotional broad who can turn to vapor when shit gets real is at the top of the list?  Christ almighty, even fucking Jubilee was a more compelling character than goddamned Shadowcat- at least that broad could set shit on fire and was somewhat punk rock.  If I were to rank the X-Men from first to last, Kitty Pryde wouldn't make the top twenty of that list, and would likely find herself at the end of a long list of shitty, lazy comic book characters that include... Dazzler.
14. Jesse Custer- Preacher might have been drawn by the same spastic who later went on to make Frank Castle look like a half-starved hobo, but Jesse Custer is badass nonetheless.
15. Wonder Woman- Had the original incarnation simply kept getting ramped up ad infinitum until modern WW comics were nothing but femdom torture porn, I'd be on board.  As they're not, fuck WW in her unused asshole.
16. Lex Luthor- Meh.
17. Morpheus-  Sandman sucked, Gaiman is awful, and everyone at Wizard should be sad.
18. Doctor Doom- Should have been WAY higher on the list.
19. The Hulk- Granted.
20. Miracleman- Never heard of him.  I researched him to discover that he's a Captain Marvel (i.e. Superman) knockoff, and thus sucks even harder than Superman.

Apparently, the Red Skull was based on actual events.

My top ten?  Glad you asked, as it's a damn sight better than the shite Wizard has given us.
1.  Wolverine-  Short, ultra-violent, bloodthirsty, and generally irascible, he's the ultimate anti-hero.
2.  Batman-  Basically, Batman at his best is Wolverine without the claws.  At his worst, he's your average shitty DC character, which is to say, your average DC character.  DC has done more to create bland, useless, almost laughably bad comic book characters than NAMBLA has done to cause fecal incontinence in our nation's youth.  In fact, were NAMBLA to artfully smear the feces from the anuses of their young boy lovers across a page, they'd likely match the artistic quality of your typical DC book prior to the hiring of the entire Image artist stable to restore some semblance of artistic credibility to the publisher.


3.  Lobo-  Like the other two, he's a asshole who'll kill anything in the galaxy that's not a space dolphin, though he'll do it with far more fervor and hilarity.  At some point, DC will get off its ass and make an "R rated" Lobo movie that will either go down in history as the greatest film ever made or Green Lantern 2, which would put it at the other end of the awesomeness spectrum.
4.  The Joker- Not much needs to be said about the Joker- he's the ultimate villain and one of the very few things DC's ever done right.  Equal parts insanity and sadism, the Joker's only real failing is that he was in the DC universe rather than Marvel, which meant that he'd never be used to his full capability.
5.  Dr. Doom-  Given that he's the main villain for the odious Fantastic Four franchise, you'd think I'd avoid Dr. Doom like he was the little-known fifth member of the tragically useless "Fantastic" Four.  Doom, however, is a super-genius king-scientist-magician with delusions he could expand his tiny kingdom into worldwide domination.  He's every Eastern European despot who's ever lived, only less successful at spreading his particular brand of evil over the Earth than Russia's current beady-eyed death dealer, Vladimir Putin.  Had Dr. Doom ever been capable of being wedged into a Todd McFarlane-penciled Spiderman comic, he'd be ten times as popular as the Joker at this point, and would be as quotable as he was awesome at not doing much of anything worth talking about in any Marvel comic, ever.


6.  Venom- As a kid, I bought the Secret Wars comics off a kid who used to sit at the back of my schoolbus- a kid I thought was a total badass.  I was, of course, eight years old, and about as well-qualified to identify a badass as Christina Aguilera's tone-deaf ass is capable of identifying a talented singer.  Nevertheless, I was able to see the advent of the black Spiderman costume as it happened, and was incredibly psyched to see that badass garb make its way back into the comics four years later, even after Peter Parker killed his black suit harder than an eight year old at a track meet.  For those of you who don't get how cool the debut of the black suit for Spidey was, it'd be like seeing an affable but homely Will Ferrell return for another season of Saturday Night Live looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger, all the while managing to be even funnier than he had been initially.  It'd be like Slayer following up Reign in Blood with Pantera's Mouth for War.  In short, it was the coolest fucking thing that could happen in the life of a 6th grader.  Venom never disappointed either, showing up under Todd McFarlane's pencil as a jacked, slobbering, juiced-up, psychotic Spiderman clone.  Fucking awesome.


7.  Pitt-  Pitt is perhaps not-terribly-well-known, but is a super-sweet Image series created by the best artist to ever draw the Hulk- Dale Keown.  Like other image comics, the story never made any fucking sense, the issues were always delivered late, and everything but the art was phoned in harder than Robert DeNiro's lines in the lates Fokkers sequel, but the splash pages were fucking epic.  Pitt was a badass alien who protected a kid named Timmy from something or other- the plot never mattered for shit.  Pitt beat and gored everyone who got close to the kid in the book, and the art kicked fucking ass.  Like Marius Pudzianowski in the cage, it was all aggression and no technique, and it fucking worked.  Ten thumbs up for Pitt.

To be fair, Jim Lee could make Kenny G look fucking cool.

8.  The Punisher- As a libertarian, I have trouble backing a character who consciencelessly mowed down jaywalkers as if they were crack dealers... and who devoted himself to supporting a legal system based on a set of laws so arbitrary they make the rules in the Bible seem downright well-reasoned.  In any event, he had badass branding, the storylines were crazy violent even in the Comics Code era, and Jim Lee made him look so cool you couldn't help loving his comics.


9.  The Stalkers- Alright, it's not one character, but this comic is definitely the best comic of which you've never heard.  Set in a dystopic future and drawn (with the exceptional couple-page horror show perpetrated by Val Mayerik) by one of my favorite artists of all time, Mark Texeira, and written by the guy who went on to give SciFi fans nerdgasms with the Battlestar Galactica TV show.  the series only lasted a year, but it was a badass year filled with vigilante, privatized paramilitary police battling very well-spoken domestic terrorists.  If you can find these books, pick them up- they're fucking amazing.
10. Red Skull- A Nazi terrorist with the coolest henchman of all time, Crossbones.  The Red Skull managed to make Captain America comics tolerable, which is a hell of a feat.

WAKE UP MOTHERFUCKERS!  Sofia Jaramillo demands your attention.

Who are your favorite artists and writers?
Frankly, I never really gave two shits who was writing the comics, provided the art was good.  I was never really a fan of Chris Claremont and generally tried to avoid shit he wrote, but other than that the writer was a non-issue for me.  My favorite artists are, in no particular order:

Mark Texeira- Tex, as he was known, became my favorite artist when he started drawing Punisher War Journal in the 90s.  His art was far more dynamic and gritty than anything else in comics at the time, and I stuck with him even after he started drawing Black Panther, who is perhaps my least favorite comic book character.  He's not working in the industry now, to my knowledge, but his stuff is worth grabbing if you can find it.

Philip Tan-  I found Philip Tan after having purchased every book I could find drawn by Frank Teran.  I was looking for further artistic inspiration, and googled "artists like Frank Teran", and out popped Tan.  Unfortunately, the story lines Tan's drawn have usually sucked, but his art is pretty fucking awesome.

Frank Teran- Frank Teran is, as I discovered after looking for similar artists, one of the most reviled artists in the comic book industry, apparently because the people bitching never had a chance to have their eyes raped by the hacks who learned to draw by badly copying Rob Liefeld's work, which was of course a terrible copy of Jim Lee's stuff.  Teran's stuff was gritty and often grotesque, and was as such right up my alley.  he now maintains a blog with sketches and works in the gaming industry making art for video games, as I understand it, but if you ever find his work in Punisher, grab it- the art's fucking amazing.

Simon Bisley- Biz is another oft-maligned for being too fucking awesome artist, best known perhaps for his work in 2000 AD.  I got into Biz because he did the art for three of the first issues of Verotik (Glenn Danzig's defunct, yet infuckingcredible comic book line)- Death Dealer, Satanika, and Jaguar God.  All three of those books were incredibly drawn, ultra-violent, and contained a fair amount of sex, which is all any growing boy needs.  His stuff seems to be heavily influenced by the inimitable Frank Frazetta and drugs, and that combo's working swimmingly for him.

Todd McFarlane- The man who revolutionized comic book art and saved Spiderman from becoming the joke that Superman is.  Not much needs to be said about McFarlane- he changed the way Spiderman was drawn by making him far more dynamic and interesting, invented Spawn, gave us the fairly badass Spawn movie and the only movie in which John Leguizamo was even slightly tolerable, popularized my personal favorite style of comic art (overwrought, over-inked, dark, grotesque, and basically awesome), co-founded Image, and founded the coolest toymaker in history.  Todd McFarlane also gave the world Greg Capullo, who went from copying the styles of Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld to copying McFarlane, and their work (as you can see above) is completely indistinguishable.  Frankly, that's a good thing, because Mcfarlane's stuff kicks ass.


Ben Templesmith- Templesmith's famous for being the artist half of the Templesmith-Niles team that brought the world the gritty and often incomprehensible vampire series 30 Days of Night, and the movie of the same name.  30 Days is to Twilight what Re-Penetrator is to Warm Bodies- violent, dark, and not safe for work.  Though Templesmith would suck as an artist on a traditional superhero book, he's great for stuff that can be a lot weird and occasionally terrible.


Jim Lee- Lee did for the X-Men what Liefeld did for X-Force and McFarlane did for Spiderman- he took a book with flagging sales but an amazing pedigree and completely revitalized it.  Though most of his splash pages consisted of people standing in impossible poses, frowning and clenching their fists, he inspired a lot of great (and even more godawful) artists to enter the field.  After throwing in the towel at Image, Lee reentered the big two to do for Batman what he'd already done for the X-Men, and Batman's comics were worth looking at again.

On a side note, one cool thing about the image founders- Lee, Liefeld, Larson, Portacio, and McFarlane, is that they all lifted at work when they worked at Image.  I don't think they kept up with it, and I don't recall reading anything about awesome gym-going exploits, but I thought it was cool they had that as part of their corporate culture, given the fact that they made their money off heavily muscled bodies.



What are your favorite comic story arcs?

Lobo: "Highway To Hell"- What could be better than a mini-series written by Anthrax's Scott Ian?  A comic book miniseries starring Lobo, drawn by Sam Keith (whose style is very similar to Biz's), written by Scott Ian.  In it, Lobo travels to hell to beat the shit out of Satan (who appears as a little girl in a party dress) because Satan killed a space dolphin.  there's nothing more to tell you about the plot- that's it.  Lobo kills a shitload of demons and beats the brakes off Satan to avenge the death of one of his beloved space dolphins and to prove, once more, that he's the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy.

Punisher #94-95- Like most of the series I love, this is just an all-out brawl with awesome art.  Frank Teran pens this all-out brawl pitting the Punisher and a huge, scarred mob enforcer named Grisham against a warehouse full of underground pit-fighting deathmatch enthusiasts.  Over-hated and under-rated, these are the two best issues of any Punisher comic, ever.

Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious and Batman/Lobo Elseworlds- In the former (drawn by Sam Keith), Batman and Lobo end up on the same interstellar cruiser, kidnapped, and team up to fuck up some baddies.  In the latter (drawn by Simon Bisley), Lobo gets hired by the Joker to take out Batman, and the two go head to head.  Again, good art, good old-fashioned rassoodock ultra-violence with no appy polly-loggies, and badass characters.


Secret Wars- This was my favorite mini-series growing up.  It's basically a full-tilt war between all of the Marvel heroes and all of the Marvel villains, and it can pretty much serve as an encyclopedia for the whole Marvel roster in the mid-80's.  Plus, you get to see the advent of Spider Man's black costume, which is awesome.  Witness the birth of Venom!



Good looking out on the Noopept suggestion- that stuff is the shit.  As I have finals looming, do you have any other suggestions for stuff that might help?

First, let me preface this with a rejoinder to the parties who have speculated that I receive some sort of sponsorship from supplement companies- that is utterly fucking retarded.  I recommend shit from multiple different companies, none of whom give me anything more than a hearty "fuck you" for doing so.  Does anyone actually think a company wants me as their public face?  If so, they're likely guitarists in Syndrome of a Down. They're also likely fans of Rant's blog, as retardation and yoga seem to rule the day there.

Synedrex-  Though this stuff is technically a fat burner, it has a bunch of the stuff a growing brain needs, including stuff that goes great with Noopept.  Namely, it contains Sulbutiamine (which improves memory, lowers inhibitions, and reduces depression) and 1,3 Dimethylamylamine (DMAA), which increases alertness.


CTD Labs Adralin- This product is the balls.  CTD created it to be an over-the-counter replacement for Ritalin, and as such it's the best companion for Noopept money can buy.  I like the inclusion of Vinpocetine and L-Huperzine A as well- those are two little additions that could provide a nice boost.

Two you cannot get in supplement stores but can get online:
Aniracetam- This is another member of the racetam family that seems to improve perception, both visual and aural.  I add it to my noopept daily.

Oxiracetam- Another racetam, use of this one in studies "lead to higher scores in tests for logical performance, attention, concentration, memory and spatial orientation" (Wikipedia).  This is another one I add to my daily stack.

There you have it.  The guys badgering me about comics can now chill their tits, and the rest of you can look at the tits and chill.

Fuck The Bottom, We Belong At The Top: Hooligans Abound!

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A couple of months ago, I started offering training consultations with the idea that there were some people out there who just needed a bit of help to get them out of shit and into suck.  Or out of suck and into ok.  In any event, I thought there were a few proud individuals out there who might brave my wrath and acerbic wit to get a big of training advice.  Surprisingly, there were, and the results were even better than I had anticipated- there are a couple of your brave fuckers out there who are quite good at listening to my sage advice and picking up heavy shit.

One of these courageous individuals is Joe, a dude who came to me with a physique already in pretty good stead.  Though some of you might think that this is cheating for me, I'm not sorry to report that you might be mentally retarded.  People who've already been training a while and who have had a reasonable amount of success are some of the hardest people to convince they've been fucking up.  As such, this is proof of my immense skill, as this dude went from pretty damn good to fucking awesome inside of two months.  Bear witness to the glory that is my coaching skill.

Alrighty, give the peeps a bit of a background on yourself. I know you live in the wilderness and have a longer daily commute to work than I have two and from work in a week. Beyond that, hit us with with you relevant stats- height, weight, age, years you've been training, etc, along with your best lifts prior to kicking this bitch off.

Yeah, I live in a small town on the Eastern Shore of MD. Mostly farm-land. Long-ass commute. Work a desk job during fairly standard hours. Recently bought my own house and assembled a home gym so I could train whenever the hell I wanted. Decided to consult with you to give me a new perspective on training and I knew I would end up learning a lot from you. Somewhat obsessed with the strict press and chasing the feats of those like Saxon and Maxick.

24y/o, 5-10”, 189lbs, 6 years training (with the obligatory first year or so being complete fucking about).
Taken on March 5, 2013.

Previous Best Lifts
Strict Press- 205lb
BTN Strict Press (Klokov Press)- 185lb
Squat- 352
Bench- 253x5
Deadlift- 420x4 (single set to failure)

And what are your stats now?

Weight is hovering around 185lb, as far as composition changes, bodyfat has dropped a good bit along with some muscle gain. You’ve seen the pics. I will provide more, though.
Taken March 30, 2013

Current Best Lifts
Strict Press- 212lb
BTN Strict Press- 200lb
Squat- 387lb
Bench- 300lb x2
Deadlift- 418lb x18 reps (singles, within 30min workout)

Also, pull-ups have increased like crazy, I can bang out sets of 20 now, whereas I was previously struggling with 10.
Taken today, April 30th.

Not too shabby!  Those are some sick increases in a month.  To what do you attribute your rapid progress (other than my genius, of course)?

I think the major factor was that I was busting my ass in the gym basically every day (minus the 1 rest day per week). I’d never trained with that sort of frequency in the past. It was the hard work and diligence toward the goal, that your program instilled in me. I think that’s the key.


We messed with your diet a bit, as I recall.  Nothing too crazy, but just increasing the protein.  By and large, you're doing the APD, right?  Tell the people about your diet, as with those abs they're definitely going to ask.

My stint on the APD was rather short actually. Less than 2 week, right at the beginning of the consult. I gave it an honest shot, but I tolerate carbs rather well and made much better progress with them in the diet, so I immediately returned to the diet that has worked well for me. I actually wrote a decent article about the diet on my blog, so its probably easiest to just link that somewhere [how about right here: http://circastrength.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-biorhythm-diet_18.html.. Although im sure there will be questions regardless.

No cardio of any kind as you leaned out, correct?

No cardio whatsoever.

Good man.  You've made huge gains in the last couple of months- are your goals changing as you progress, or are they pretty much the same?

Goals are still exactly the same, continue getting stronger & leaner. I want to look like I eat sheet metal and shit nails. The goal is simple, become the baddest motherfucker my body will allow.


What would you say was your biggest takeaway from the training consult/program redesign?

My biggest take-away is that I can train more often and heavier than I let myself believe was possible. Most days I was sore, certain body-parts always ached, but I just went ahead and trained anyway. To my surprise, the gains kept coming quickly. It came down to trusting the plan you designed and working as hard as possible on that particular day.

Yeah, you definitely seemed to enjoy a hell of a lot of rep work, and as I recall were fairly skeptical dropping the reps would work.  Any words of wisdom to impact on the slavering beasts reading this thing?

The point I want to drive home is that more work nets more results, at least in my experience.

... Which is exactly what I've been saying all along.  Check out Joe's blog here to keep up on his progress.  At the risk of divulging all of my amazing training secrets, I'm not going to give out the exact details of the program Joe used, but you can rest assured it involved six days a week of training, a lot of volume, a lot of Joe busting his ass, and a lot of weight.  Joe had been doing a fairly typical upper/lower split routine, but as he wanted to improve specifically on overhead pressing and get stronger overall, I dropped his reps very low, shifted the emphasis to overhead pressing, and cut out some of the bullshit he was doing.  That, some form tweaks on his squat, and a hell of  lot of work on Joe's part, and his lifts improved dramatically in less than two months, as did his physique.

This shit isn't rocket science- it's just that some of you need a rocket scientist to fire your asses in the right direction. Go lift something.

Keto Diets- Why They Work, How To Make Them Work For You, Why Vince Gironda Made a Song About Them... And I Finally Use Decllenium In A Sentence

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Vince Gironda says: 
“Fuck you, Carbos. You can suck my dick. You can’t get me, Carbos, because you’re just God’s farts.”

In the information age, more than ever, it seems extremely common for trends in what passes for rational and intelligent thought and discourse to emerge wherein a particular opinion is held aloft as unassailable truth.  For whatever reason, one of the most insidious and pervasive of these opinions in nutritional circles seems to be one that presents ketogenic diets as catabolic and useless for strength athletes.  Simply put for the new jacks in the audience, this means they believe that ketogenic diets will cause you to lose muscle mass faster than an AIDS patient in a Somali slum. This, however, is simply not the case- in fact, the polar opposite is true.  In fact, catabolism is blunted as the body metabolizes ketones for energy during a ketogenic diet.



Dave Palumbo's legs seem not to have suffered any ill effects from ketogenic dieting, unless "freakish muscularity" is considered an ill effect.

I realize it's a popular notion that I'm some sort of genetic freak who thrives on a diet that would kill a lesser man.  True, I am awesome, and true, most of the shit I do on a daily basis would kill lesser men, but I'm hardly a genetic anomaly in regards to the ketogenic diet.  A study conducted at the University of Connecticut in the early part of the last decade showed that thyroid function was greatly increased in a six week ketogenic dieting period, and that significant fat loss and muscle gain occurred- all of the participants had extraordinarily positive recomposition in a short period of time, and they accomplished this in spite of being fatties and saddies.  If fatties and saddies can lose an average of 7 lbs of body fat and gain 2 lbs of muscle in a six week period, I'd think that the average techno-death metal-Viking Hooligan would thrive on it.  Dave Palumbo certainly did- at his best, he squatted 800 for four and deadlifted 600 for 8, which is pretty fucking impressive for a guy training for size and definition rather than strength.


I suppose tentacle rape and ketosis go hand in hand.

For those of you unfamiliar with the myriad benefits of ketogenic dieting, allow me to educate you while I torture metaphors like they're Chechen teenagers in the greater Boston metropolitan area:

  • ketosis is protein sparing, which means your body will not metabolize protein for fuel at any point in your day, provided you're eating enough fat.  Your body will actually learn to love burning ketones for energy more than the Japanese love tentacle rape and your protein synthesis will dramatically increase (Nair, Harber, Kadowaki).
  • IGF-1 levels will raise like a true Belieber's current interest in shitty tattoos and girlish haircuts due to your body's low levels of insulin, which in turn will lead to greater hypertrophy (Harber).
  • ketosis allows your body to utilize stored bodyfat for energy because of the aforementioned low insulin levels, and insulin blocks stored fat utilization like a fat girl cockblocking at a bar.
  • ketosis suppresses your body's release of ghrelin, which means you will be less hungry on a ketogenic diet than you'd otherwise be.  This is particularly useful for the aforementioned saddies and fatties, who often have Charley Sheen-esque impulse-control issues when it comes to stuffing their faces (Halton).
  • it may make you smarter- ketones seem to be a more efficient fuel for the brain than glucose (Amerman, but for a ridiculously complex explanation, go here and skip to the paragraph beginning with "We will use Alzheimers").  
  • recovery will occur quickly and wounds will heal like you've got a hirsute, irascible, pocket-sized Uncle Logan (Nishira).
  • in ketosis, your body becomes a furnace that would be the envy of every man named Goering in 1940s Germany, as you burn fat simply by breathing and pissing (Perez-Guisado).
  • for those of you amusingly concerned with the effects of dietary salt in your diet (and there appear to a be lot of you people living in 1982 in that way), high protein diets seem to counteract the negative effects of high sodium intakes and lowers blood pressure (Debry).  As ketogenic diets are almost necessarily high protein, you're safe from an exploding heart on the ketogenic diet as well.
Living in the 80s has its perks- you get to wear cool outfits.

Sounds pretty fucking awesome, doesn't it?  Quite frankly, it is- I've been on a cyclical ketogenic diet for going on three years and have gotten continually stronger and leaner.  I'm not the only one who thinks this diet is the tits, either- one paper from the University of Cordoba (Spain) stated that "These diets are also healthier because they promote a non-atherogenic lipid profile, lower blood pressure and decrease resistance to insulin with an improvement in blood levels of glucose and insulin" and that "Such diets also have neurological and antineoplastic benefits and diet-induced ketosis is not associated with metabolic acidosis, nor do such diets alter kidney, liver or heart functions"(Perez-Guisado).



Keto doesn't appear to be hurting my gainz- weighing in at 195, carb depleted.

That's all well and good for the average saddie, you might be thinking, but it's got fuck-all to do with athletes and strength athletes in particular.  There's a reason for that- there've been almost no studies on the effects of ketogenic dieting on resistance training.  I was able to hunt down a single study on the subject, but it's not particularly relevant to the issue at hand, as it studied the effect of resistance training on obese, middle-aged women on the ketogenic diet.  We're about as dissimilar to that sample group as toasters are from Transformers, so there's no point even delving into that one.  Nevertheless, anecdotal evidence shows that ketogenic diets, in their myriad forms, have worked pretty fucking well over the last few decllenium for hominids.  




As I believe I've not ever done so, it seems useful to outline for you guys exactly what ketogenic dieting is, and what forms it can take.  A ketogenic diet is a diet in which a person consumes so few carbohydrates that their  body beings breaking fat down into fatty acids and ketones for use as energy.  Keto diets come in three flavors, standard, targeted, and cyclical.  They work like this:

  • SKD (Standard Ketogenic Diet) – This is the diet of which most people traditionally think when they hear the words "keto diet".  Developed in the West by an undertaker named Banting in the 19th Century, it was resurrected as the Atkins diet in the US in the 20th Century.  Amusingly, the peoples of the Arctic Circle have been eating this way forever and haven't known they were dieting at all.  In any event, on a traditional ketogenic diet you simply keep your carbs at a certain low level indefinitely.  
  • CKD (Cyclical Ketogenic Diet)– Cyclical keto diets are my personal favorite, and that's what my Apex Predator Diet is.  On a cyclical keto diet you rotate between ultra low carb and high carb days and in a less common fasion, rotate between low and high carb periods every day.  
  • TKD (Targeted Ketogenic Diet) – Targeted keto diets are diets in which one eats extremely low carb and then consumes carbs at very specific times of the day.  I wrote a bit about these types of diets in my Apex Predator Diet For Italians And Athletes entry and noted that there is a difference of opinion by noted authors on when best to consume the carbs, but they're generally consumed either immediately before or after a workout.


It was time for some Warhammer.

Clearly, I'm the biggest fan of the CKD, as that's what I've been on for years.  I monkeyed with the TKD a bit in the past, but I never liked the idea of eating high fat and then spiking my insulin, so I never ate high enough fat to really have called it a particularly ketogenic diet.  It was more of a paleoized TKD.  In regards to CKDs, I've given you guys the broad strokes of how I've modified the traditional cyclical ketogenic diet for myself (i.e. the Apex Predator Diet), but thought it might be prudent to share with you a few of the tricks, hacks, and cheats I've developed along the way to make the diet work even better. Thus, without any further adieu:

  • Protein is your primary concern at every meal.  I've seen nonstop gibbering out of people whose opinions would best be left alone in their empty heads about the value of coconut oil online, and it's ridiculous.  One douche actually asserted that his diet of naught but eggs and coconut oil was one to follow, which I found as fascinating as I found it absurd.  You are not eating unless you're getting upwards of 40 grams of protein.  Less than that isn't a meal and can barely be construed as a snack.  Cheat meals should start with protein and be followed by shakes- I always kick mine off with some kind of meat, be it hamburgers, wings, nuggets, or a meat-lover's pizza.  The more protein you consume, the greater the thermic effect of your meal and the better you will look and feel overall.
  • Get at least two grams of protein per pound of bodyweight per day.  Chicks can get by with a gram to a gram and a half- apparently more than that fucks with their hormone levels.  The mysteries of the vagina aside, no man is truly eating for strength if he's consuming less than two grams of protein per pound of bodyweight per day.
She might keto diet.  I find myself not caring so much about the relevance of this pic, however.
  • Take a break every once in a while.  That's not to say you should adopt the asinine practice utilized by people who follow a "periodization" routine wherein they take one week per month off from lifting.  Every now and again, though, it's good for your mind and body to stop giving a shit so much about your diet.  I realize that sounds fairly ridiculous for a guy who's essentially been on a diet for three straight years, but I do actually take a couple days to a week off from my diet after meets, and take a week or so off from my diet over the holidays as well.  I don't go nuts eating garbage, but I don't eat super-strict or super clean.  Instead, I keep my protein levels very high and fill in the gaps with whatever I want.  Again, caveats- I don't really care for ice cream or particularly sugary foods.  Thus, when I am am REALLY off my diet, the worst thing on which I'm generally snacking is Cinnamon Life, unless it's Thanksgiving Day or Christmas, when I'll eat desserts.  Eating sugary shit will make you fat.  It's science.
  • Modify your total food intake to match your activity level. This does not mean you should count calories, which is pointless even off a keto diet by truly worthless on one.  Instead, you should be eating more if you're training harder, longer, or heavier, and less if you're training lighter.  
  • Do not skip your carbups.  Skipping your carbups might have a small effect on fat loss but will ultimately render all of your training feckless.  Type two muscle fibers require glycogen to function, and depriving them of that glycogen will force you to train lighter, which defeats the entire purpose of the diet in the first place.  No one gives a shit if you're ripped and you're weak, and no one gives a fuck if you're strong and you're fat.  The goal is to be strong as fuck and ripped to the bone, so you need to do your refeeds if you're keeping your carbs under 30 grams a day 5-6 days a week.
  • Experiment.  Once you get your bodyfat to a manageable level, feel free to experiment.  I've tried supplementing with BCAAs post workout, and I think that post-workout BCAAs with additional leucine are a tremendously good idea, since leucine uptake and utilization is higher when in ketosis.  Try utilizing insulin modulating supplements like cinnamon and chromium to see if they accelerate fat loss.  ProSupps has a new product out called iLoad that looks to be good in that regard.  Mix up days wherein you have multiple food meals and days wherein you only eat solid food once or twice if you're doing the Apex Predator Diet.
CKDs work and work well for powerlifting, no matter what the message board know-nothings might assert to the contrary- I'm living proof, and science has my motherfuckin' back. 




Eat like a beast if you want to lift like one.

Sources:
Amerman, Don.  Benefits of Ketosis.  Livestrong.  28 Jul 2011.  Web.  7 may 2013.  http://www.livestrong.com/article/503671-the-benefits-of-ketosis/

Butterfield GE: Whole-body protein utilization in humans.  Med Sci Sports Exer 1987, 19:S167-S165.

Debry G: Data on hypertension. In Dietary Proteins and Atherosclerosis. Boca Raton, FL: CRC Press; 2004:191-203.


Deprospo, Jonathan.  In depth look at ketogenic diets and ketosis.  Bodybuilding.com.  25 Sep 2002.  Web.  4 May 2013.  http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/keto.htm


Harber MP, Schenk S, Barkan AL, Horowitz JF. Effects of dietary carbohydrate restriction with high protein intake on protein metabolism and the somatotropic axis.  J Clin Endocrinol Metab. 2005 Sep;90(9):5175-81. Epub 2005 Jun 21.


Halton TL, Hu FB.  The effects of high protein diets on thermogenesis, satiety and weight loss: a critical review.  J Am Coll Nutr. 2004 Oct;23(5):373-85.


Kadowaki M, Kamata T, Noguchi T.  Acute effect of epinephrine on muscle proteolysis in perfused rat hindquarters.  Am J Physiol. 1996 Jun;270(6 Pt 1):E961-7.


Layman DK, Evans E, Baum JI, Seyler J, Erickson DJ, Boileau RA.  Dietary protein and exercise have additive effects on body composition during weight loss in adult women.  J Nutr. 2005 Aug;135(8):1903-10.


Manninen AH.  High-Protein Weight Loss Diets and Purported Adverse Effects: Where is the Evidence?  J Int Soc Sports Nutr. 2004; 1(1): 45–51.

Manninen AH.  Very-low-carbohydrate diets and preservation of muscle mass.  Nutr Metab (Lond). 2006 Jan 31;3:9.



Motil KJ, Matthews DE, Bier DM, Burke JF, Munro HN, Young VR.  Whole-body leucine and lysine metabolism: response to dietary protein intake in young men.  Am J Physiol. 1981 Jun;240(6):E712-21.


Nair KS, Welle SL, Halliday D, Campbell RG.  Effect of beta-hydroxybutyrate on whole-body leucine kinetics and fractional mixed skeletal muscle protein synthesis in humans.  J Clin Invest. 1988 Jul;82(1):198-205.

Nishihira J: Macrophage migration inhibitory factor (MIF): its essential role in the immune system and cell growth. J Interferon Cytok Res 2000, 20: 751-762.

Paddon-Jones D, Sheffield-Moore M, Zhang XJ, Volpi E, Wolf SE, Aarsland A, Ferrando AA, Wolfe RR.  Amino acid ingestion improves muscle protein synthesis in the young and elderly.  Am J Physiol Endocrinol Metab. 2004 Mar;286(3):E321-8. Epub 2003 Oct 28.

Volek JS, Sharman MJ, Love DM, Avery NG, Gómez AL, Scheett TP, Kraemer WJ.  Body composition and hormonal responses to a carbohydrate-restricted diet.  Metabolism. 2002 Jul;51(7):864-70.

Droppin' Knowledge Like Elbows On Fools' Faces- The Big Seminar II

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Tragically, the seminar has been cancelled.  My write-up rules though, so I'm leaving it for posterity.

Though I sort of backed into powerlifting like a blind man at the wheel of a 1980s Cadillac, I've been invited to participate in a powerlifting seminar hosted by South Carolina Barbell and Total Performance Sports and featuring members of Team EFS.  This seminar will represent a couple of generations of geared and raw powerlifters, which is something you don't often see.  From what I've seen out of this bunch already, it should be pretty-much nonstop hilarity from the type of people most of us wish we were surrounded with on a daily basis, rather than the sloppy tards in which we're usually drowning.  Among the presenters will be:


CJ Murphy, aka Murph:  This dude is the man behind Boston's renown Total Performance Sports, which has been named one of the top 20 gyms in America by Men's Health a couple of times and churns out badass athletes like Score's churns out scantily clad Eastern Europeans with VD.  Murph's a former national champion in powerlifting and boasts pretty much every strength training acronym a person could have, in addition to being a former strongman competitor, boxing instructor, kettlebell teacher, and USAW club coach.  Additionally, Murph apparently knows how to throw a fireball Dragonball-Z style, but will only do so when it accompanies a Crowbar or Pro-Pain song, as he derives strength from his fellow shaved heads and goatees.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, use the google machine- I would not be surprised to discover Murph was actually a member of Crowbar at some point, though I have no idea when he'd have found the time.


Molly Galbraith:  Yes, the hot broad above who's squatting 225 to depth will be presenting.  She's a figure competitor and powerlifter, which is about as common as finding a midget who can dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop.  Just as you'd pay attention to the midget, so should you pay attention to Galbraith.  She's a regular contributor to EFS's website, where most of her articles revolve around looking good while being strong, which is something all of us should get behind [ah, the double entendres].


Julia Ladewski:  Not one, but two hot chicks are presenting- Murph knows how to schedule shit while growing out epic goatees.  Ladewski's ranked 15th on the all-time list at 132 for geared lifters, just jumped to #5 on the all-time list (and is currently ranked #2) for 123 lbers in gear, is a former Division I strength coach, is the Program Director at the Parisi Speed School (aka the guys who train most of the dudes going into the NFL draft for the combine), and rocks abs the entire time.


Dave Kirschen:  Fifteen years ago, a princess kissed a bullfrog that then began an incomplete transformation into a human.  That semi-human's name is Dave Kirschen, who in spite of what appears to be debilitating tumors on his neck is 19th on the all-time list at 198 in multi-ply.  Dave's been featured in Men's Health, a frequent contributor to EFS's site, the master of all systems conjugate, and might have a stroke when he reads this writeup, but hopefully his stroke will be minor and he'll just drool and twitch a bit during his presentation.


Matt Rhodes:  Weirdly, I've likely met Rhodes before at the football weight room at the University of Arizona, though neither of us would have known it.  I talked my way into using that gym in spite of the fact that I wasn't a football player, only to get ejected when I bragged to one of the strength coaches that I pulled 500 for the first time (weighing around 150) while I had mono.  In any event, Rhodes played for U of A in the mid-90s, coached football at the University of Richmond, worked as a personal trainer for a while, is the current strength and conditioning coach at the University of Albany, has totalled 2110 at 308, and enjoys the occasional bout of sodomy using capsaicin as lube.  It's ok, though- he wears a condom so none gets in his pisshole, which apparently hurts like a motherfucker.  Happily fat and sweaty, Rhodes isn't just another pretty face- knows his shit and represents it on the platform.  As I meet none of the criteria for acceptance into Rhodestown, he and I will likely drown out all of the other presenters casually insulting each other while demonstrating random feats of strength.  I will win, obviously, as my superior abdominal vascularity confers victory on me as a matter of course.


Vincent Dizenzo:  Contrary to popular belief, he is not the lost third member of the Mario Brothers.  Instead, Vincent (hereafter to be referred to as Vinnie D, because typing "Vincent" for a guy with a name mafioso would jack off to is odd) is a three-lift geared lifter converted by the magic of ruptured discs into a bench press specialist.  At 322, Vinnie D benched 605 raw, and then dropped to the 242 class and hit a 770 shirted bench at 16% bodyfat, which is seriously impressive for a former circus fat man.  His personal motto is fucking awesome- “Anything worth lifting is only worth lifting once”, and he proved that by busting out an utterly ridiculous strict overhead press with 405.


Me:  I'm fucking awesome, and you already know this.  In case you just stumbled drunkenly across this blog in search of porn, I'm an inciter of riots, defiler of virgins, fomenter of revolutions, petter of dogs, and all around asshole who occasionally competes in powerlifting.

The Big Seminar II is going to be a two day event held at Williams Strength in West Columbia, SC.  On day one, each of the motley crew detailed above will expound upon the following topics:
Me: The Art of the Bottom Position Squat and (if there's time) ketogenic dieting for the strength competitor. I've been holding off on detailing how extensively I've been using the bottom position squat of late on the blog for really no reason whatsoever, and figured it was high time I talk about how I get all Bud Jeffries on the deal once a week.
Vincent Dizenzo: The Little Things-recovery, mental focus and more
Matt Rhodes: Training College Athletes
C.J. Murphy: The TPS Method-the superior training system for your clients
Julia Ladewski: From Treadmill to barbell-debunking fitness myths for women (great for men too)
Dave Kirschen: the Conjugate Method for beginners.
On Sunday we will put everyone through training stations covering the bench press, the squat, the deadlift, the power clean and Turkish Get ups/metabolic circuits.  I believe I'll be working the squat station on that day, as that's sort of my forte.  Since we're going to be at Williams Strength, the guys who run it are going to let us train on their badass equipment and are apparently going to take us around their workshop, which I assume will be manned by jacked elves who will be listening to King Diamond's No Presents for Christmas on repeat.  We're going to then grub on meat-filled working lunch on Sunday to learn about the use of the Tsunami bar, which Dave Tate has been raving about on his logs.  Given that I've been fiddling about with fat bars, crazybells, and chains on my second bench day every week, I'm pretty pumped to find one more wacky thing I can do to get my bench up.  In short, you can learn more from this group of maniacs in a weekend than you'd likely learn in a lifetime on your own.  Thus, you might want to up your frequency on car thefts, steal your little brother's lunch money more often, and sell some ass on Craigslist to get the scratch together to bask in the glow of our collective testosterone-drenched genius.

Register here for Big Seminar 2 at Williams Strength with the inimitable Jamie Lewis, two hot (and strong) chicks, a bullfrog, and some fat, sweaty motherfuckers who toss about huge weights like they're ultralight children's toys in the polio ward in a hospital on June 29th&30th.

I promised that I wouldn't put any porn in this post, so this is as close as it's going to get.



Ask The Asshole: The Flaming Asshole Edition

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First, I shall start with something that's not a question, but that I'd like to address in any event.  Tim Lambesis, frontman for a band that's produced naught but monotone dreck for the entirety of its existence, As I Lay Dying, is blaming his attempt to hire a hitman to kill his wife on "roid rage".  No, I am not making that up- a Christian metal singer is claiming a nonexistent side effect of exogenous testosterone usage caused him to act violently and impulsively- so violently and impulsively, in fact that he calmly and collectedly attempted to hire another person to kill his estranged wife as part of a fiduciary contract to be executed at some undisclosed point in the future.  Generally, I log things like a snap decision to have a cheat meal or to take another crack at a 405 behind the neck push press as "impulsive".  Maybe popping into Texas Roadhouse on a non-carb day for a burger and fries.  What I don't consider to be impulsive, however, is to seek out a contract killer (a process I assume takes more than 45 seconds), meet with said contract killer, hand him photographs of my estranged wife and a list of the places she frequents, and then bargain with him over the price.  that, instead, strikes me as methodically, in addition to being incredibly non-violent.  An impulsive violent act is randomly punching a person in the face while you're walking down the street.  Haggling over contract details, however, is not.  All of that, of course, assumes that "roid rage" is a thing, which it (according to science) is not.  Instead, "roid rage" is a boogeyman invented by weak people to demonize the strong.  Sheep likely have a similar nonexistent mental disorder ascribed to wolves.  Given that Lambesis is a "lamb" it only stands to reason he'd act like a sheep.  Even more disturbing here is that I'd recently gotten back into Point of Recognition and was rocking out to Society's Finest the other day, both of which featured Tim "Ladykiller" Lambesis on guitars.  Hopefully, the court will rule Lambesis is too stupid and confused to incarcerate and will instead hand him over to Gorgoroth and Thy Art Is Murder to sacrifice onstage.

Gorgoroth.  Not big fans of JC, and their music is dogshit, though they can make the hell of a good video.

Thy Art Is Murder.  Their song "Whore To A Chainsaw" should be played while Lambesis is being tortured to death.

Having covered current events, let's launch into the meat and brotatoes of this Ask The Asshole, in which I shall mock the everloving fuck out of some of the people that email me.  Generally, my emails in response to people who take the time to ask me a question are pretty gentle, as I appreciate inquisitiveness.  I do not, however, appreciate dumbfuckery, and there appears to be some sort of competition to see who can jam the most dumbfuckery into an email and send it to me without exploding into flames from the hate I send their way.  Before I launch into the dumbfuckery, however, I would like to share with you people the best email I've received in a while.


I've been following you for years but your recent blog about Jón Páll Sigmarsson and Kaz rivalry has prompted me to write you an email. 

For a year I have been training at a gym called Jakaból (Giant's Nest) which is run by Magnús Ver Magnússon. Since the owner is a legend the gym has slowly turned into a nexus of some sort for the local wildlife.Once when I was incline benching an older beast approached me as I finished one of my working sets. He looked, unimpressed, at the weight on the bar and said:

"Kid, I trained around Jón Páll and do you know what he called people who couldn't incline 185 KG (407 lbs) for reps?"

I replied that I didn't and he said:

"Faggots."

His quip was met with murmur of approval from the other lifters present.  True or not I thought it was a funny story and so I decided to share it with you.

A:  That was awesome.

Now, onto some of the most ridiculous, uninformed, confused, willfully ignorant, lazy, saddie/fattie questions anyone has ever received, and I got these all in the last week.


Q: What are some lifts I can throw in my push/pull day?

A: Military press, push press, behind the neck push press, jerks, bench press, close grip bench press, dips, wide grip bench press, incline bench press, decline bench press, rows, dumbell rows, cable rows, pullups, pulldowns, chinups, one arm chinups, horizontal pullups... basically, anything that is a pull or a push.  You know, shit you'd see if you opened your fucking eyes while in the gym and cleaned the shit out of your ears. The aforementioned lifts were only listed to show you how catastrophically, epically, breath-takingly stupid your question was.  Were you really confused as to what constituted a push or a pull?  Do you have an IQ above room temperature?  The fact that you managed to turn on the computing machine you utilized to transmit your insipid question across time and space is astonishing given your apparent low levels of intellectual maturity.  Dumber questions have not been asked in elementary school special education classes.

I am not in the business of hand-holding and hope never to receive another question as pantently witless as the one this idiot has foisted upon me.  As I'm not an idiot and actually read books, I obtained the vast majority of my training knowledge from a variety of books, most of which were initially "encyclopedias" of lifting.  The ones I own/have owned are:


Q:  So, according to your last article, I'm not even in "Bitch Mode". I'm not even a person.

How do I become an actual person, and not be a bitch?

I got your book, but I find the routine you propose a bit confusing. I like the approach, and I'm trying to create a similar routine, but with a bit more structure. I want to focus on getting my numbers up on the big 4 lifts. I've noticed that, like you've said, more is better - the more often I lift, the better my performance becomes - so I definitely want to lift at least 6 days per week, and maybe even start fucking with 2-a-days if I can handle it. But I don't think I'm good enough at lifting to just follow my instincts and lift what I want when I want. You said you bench pressed 5-6 days per week to get your numbers up, but in your book, you say to not do the same lift 2 days in a row. Meanwhile, the Bulgarian method, at least one of them, is to bench press 6 days a week and set a PR each time.

So I'm just trying to work on a template right now. I want to train the big 4 lifts as much as possible. I was thinking something along the lines of a heavy squat/push/pull every other day, at least. Then either a light squat and heavy push/pull, just a heavy push/pull, just a light push/pull, or barbell complexes on days that I can't do a heavy squat/push/pull. Then I can just do accessory/hypertrophy stuff as I see fit.

Do you see anything wrong? Do you have any other overarching advice (other than to kill myself, haha)?

And thanks for verbally kicking my ass every week. It helps keep me motivated.

A: You missed the entire point of the article- it's not so much what you do is that you do it, do it hard, and enjoy it.  Your generation's retarded preoccupation with programming is why the lot of you suck shit at everything- you fiddlefuck around talking about shit and never actually do it.

There is no one perfect way.  

By virtue of the fact that you've asked how not to be a bitch, you're virtually guaranteed to remain one forever.  Instead of forging ahead and trying to figure it out for yourself with a liberal application of ball sweat and testosterone, you've decided to sit down, dither, write an incredibly whiny email, and do fuckall.  Congratulations.  What you need to do is:
  1. Purchase a firearm, preferably a pistol.
  2. Purchase a single round of ammunition in the correct caliber for your new weapon.
  3. Load the weapon.
  4. Place the barrel of your weapon in your mouth.
  5. Savor the taste of the bluing solution and the tang of the metal.
  6. Use whatever paltry strength you have to pull the trigger and pain the walls with your brains.
With any luck, this is what the email writer looks like right now.

I'm really not kidding about the fact that the writer of this email is fucked beyond repair.  He will likely live the bulk of his adult life in his parents' basement and will almost certainly die a virgin, swaddled tightly in his childhood blankie that reeks of failure and self-loathing.  To forestall the receipt of another email in this vein, here's a very simple training regimen:

Monday:  Squat and Overhead Press
Tuesday: Heavy Rows and Pullups
Wednesday: Bench and dips
Thursday: Front Squat and Light Overhead Press
Friday: Deadlifts.  Go fucking nuts
Saturday:  Bench again.

Do whatever rep range suits you.  If you're weak as a kitten, pretty much anything other than the silly bullshit you're currently doing (i.e. dithering and not really focusing on lifting) is going to work.  There is no golden rep range, and no magical number of sets.  There is no one volume that will be perfect for every person, nor is there a volume that will be perfect for you every week in a given month.  Frankly, there are more questions than answers when it comes to lifting, and you should be focused on the journey, rather than the destination.  Without question, however, focusing on details is not the way you get strong initially- it's the effort that counts at first.  You might want to just pyramid down on the big stuff (squats, deads, bench, and overhead press) and go 10, 8, 6, 4, 2 (after warming up) and just go close to failure.  Max out when you want.  If you want to do the same lift two days in a row, feel free- my point in the book was that I didn't think doing the exact same thing daily (exercise + sets + reps) was a good idea.

They'd look super sexy in a gas chamber.

I'm starting to wonder the generation called the "Millennials" gets their clothes on in the morning before leaving the house.  They must spend an hour trying to decide what underwear to put on, and then have to have a conference with their parents to ensure that 1) their parents still love them after making their decision, 2) that they're still a beautiful and special snowflake, and 3) they've exhausted every possible opportunity to dither, mindlessly debate, create a public exhibition of their stupidity, and 3) dishonor their family in as public a manner as possible.  If you're under the age of 21 and reading this, there's a reasonable chance everyone who knows you would be happy to see you dead, because they're sick to fucking death of watching you text incessantly and beg the world for attention and affirmation.

From there, the emails get progressively less stupid.  We can still all learn something from them, however.
This has something to do with hernias.

Q: Have you ever had any problems with hernias?  I got one a few weeks ago while deadlifting.  I went for the PR but I'm afraid I might have gotten the ER instead.  It's not bothering me too much, and I haven't stopped lifting, but my buddy's mom, who is a nurse, is urging me to get it operated on or at least looked at.  Any advice?

A: I have never had a hernia.  I'd have someone look at it and avoid squatting and deadlifting until you get it diagnosed.  I've no idea how or why you people get hernias with the frequency you do, but it's disconcerting.  Quite frankly, I cannot envision a scenario that would end in me getting a hernia.  You guys seriously need to start doing some fucking ab work.

If you have, or think you have a hernia, go to the fucking doctor.  If nothing's bulging, it's likely a strained ab, but go to the doctor anyway.


Q: I purchased Noopept,Oxiracetan,Aniracetam,Adralin,and Synedrex today via the web. How would you recommend stacking these  if you work out in the morning ? The only other supplement I would be taking is Animal Pak.

A: I don't use the oxi and ani preworkout- I use those for reading, writing, and listening to music.  Preworkout, I'll usually use two Synedrex and 20mg of noopept, then drink a Bang .357 for the caffeine.  In re Bang, if you can find it, DO NOT DRINK THE CAMPAGNE COLA FLAVOR.  Lemon Drop is awesome, and champagne cola tastes like what I'd imagine cow shit would taste like if you fucked it out of the cow using strawberry flavored lube, and then ate the cow shit off newly laid asphalt.  To call that flavor offensive would be like saying that raping a Muslim with a kiebasa is mildly out of line.  I've used Adralin preworkout but think Synedrex is the better choice, and Adralin works better for intellectual pursuits.


Q: I came across this and I was wondering what you thought about it. I know that you've most likely come across this research before but you still drink lots of protein in liquid form.

What do you think?

A:Makes sense.  Luckily, most proteins are fortified with enzymes.  Additionally, studies have shown that high levels of protein consumption raise absorption rates over time.

Pierre Van Den Steen, just because I've not yet used a pic of him.  Dude was fucking shredded.

Q:  Just wanted to ask your thoughts on something. I'm 19, and got the chance to get my test levels looked at recently. To my abject fucking horror, I found out that my test levels sit at a very uncool 461 ng/dl.

Obviously, I can't turn to anabolics, but these relatively low test levels probably account for at least some of the reason it's so hard for me to make lean, muscular gains. Any ideas? Everything I'd read says that median test levels for a man are 700 ng/dl. I've read your blogs on increasing test regularly, but just wanted to know if you had any other ideas.

A: Try megadosing D-Aspartic Acid, tribulus, and ashwagandha.  3g of the former, and 5g each of the latter per day, split into two doses.  They're all reasonably cheap, and the former and the latter have been shown in clinical studies to increase test levels.  Tribulus has not, but anecdotal evidence seems to support its inclusion in high doses.

... and with that, I'm out.  Coming up- jump squats, neck work, and possibly the end to the Indian blog series.

Jump Muthafucka, Jump

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As I've said before, the jump squat is to the competition back squat what liquid Viagra is to porn stars— it enables you to perform at the highest levels without fear that you’re going to go limp in the middle of the competition and make a total ass of yourself.  The jump squat makes getting out of the hole (the bottom of the squat) a simple affair, because you’ve conditioned your body to literally explode out of that position.  The powerlifting back squat is a fundamentally slow affair, and could easily be conducted to the slower parts of a Wagnerian opera in a Viking helmet.  Slowly grinding through the squat sucks, though, and the very worst part is that second at the bottom wherein you pause for a moment to wonder “is it really possible to get the fuck out of here with my life?”

Just as Justin Bieber is often asked the question "why don't you fucking die already?", I am often asked the question "why don't you do pause squats?", in spite of the fact that I've answered this question repeatedly.  To recap, I despise pause squats because they make sitting in the hole an even more protracted affair than it already seems to be.  For me, it ingrains a very bad habit of going slack in the hole, as well as staying there like I'm pausing a bench, in competition.  That, I discovered, is a terrible habit to have, and a hard one to break.  Thus, I abandoned the pause squats I'd been doing for a few months after my first full meet in 2009 and began experimenting with other methods, whereupon I decided jump squats were a far better option.


Though I've mentioned these in the past, I've not really gone into any great detail on how I conduct them.  Frankly, I thought the performance of these would be more or less self-explanatory- put bar on back, squat, jump off ground.  Not that much to it, really.  Since I initially posted on the subject, however, it's come to my attention that people like far more direction than I would in the performance of any given exercise.  As such, I shall provide it.  Due to the fact that you're leaving the ground, low bar squatting is out the window- if you attempt a low bar jump squat, there's a very real option you'll wake up in the hospital with a broken back and small stumps at the shoulders where your arms had previously been.  Rather than ending up a potential freak of nature, you might want to just squat high bar.  Quite frankly, I despise high bar squatting, but using it as a supplement, especially if you're a low bar squatter, gives you much more quad-dominant training, which will ultimately help your low bar squat.  Another thing that will help your regular squat is the varied stances you should be using with the jump squat.  As a general rule of thumb, you will widen your stance with each successive set.  I find that I use more or less the same stance from 135 through 315, then begin spreading my stance from 405 upward.  By the time I hit 505, I'm using my regular squat stance, only with a high bar (which is far harder than it has any right to be).


You'll notice that I go heavier than an Acacia Strain breakdown on jump squats.  Conventional wisdom, a sense of self-preservation, and a modicum of sanity would generally indicate otherwise, but I have been hovering around 80% of my one rep max of late on jump squats.  The only other maniac of whom I've heard who does jump squats as a part of his regular routine is Kolkaev, and even a man who willingly subjects himself to the dangers of a 600 lb no-hands barbell back squat doesn't go over 185 lbs on jump squats.  Frankly, I'm not sure why this is- maybe it's because I drink gallons of Diet Coke in lieu of the sedative-laced drinking water most people consume (Salon), it's the result of psychosis brought on by years of stimulant use, my giant brass balls, my desire to impose my will on the universe, or some fault with the rest of humanity.  Nevertheless, I go considerably heavier on jump squats than do most people, it seems to pay off on the platform, and I'm far more used to exploding out of the hole than a roomful of poorly endowed Japanese at a bukkake porn shoot.


If you're still skeptical, consider the following reasons to employ jump squats in your training:
  • explosive training induces more hypertrophy than slow reps (Chapman).
  • the utilization of different tempos in a training cycle produced far greater strength gains and hypertrophy than did a single tempo (Verkhoshanskii).  Thus, if you're using jump squats in concert with squats off the pins or regular back squats (or better yet, all three), you'll compound your gains like you're a fund manager named Madoff.
  • fast eccentric movements lead to a higher concentration of type IIb than type I muscle fibers and greater strength gains than do slower repetitions (Paddon-Jones).
  • consciously attempting to move explosively, regardless of the speed of movement, results in far greater  full-range strength than slower movements (Young).
  • old ladies had huge rates of strength development with heavy explosive training, and if they can do it, you people damn well better be able to (Caserotti).
  • going heavy on these works wonders- a study pitted  two groups of lifters against each other, one group doing 30%1RM jump squats and the other going with my much more awesomer 80%1RM, and the heavy jump squatters had significantly greater increases in their 1RM and their 1RM/bodyweight ratio (McBridge). 
Ian Middleton did make a good point I'd not really taken into consideration when developing this technique or recommending it to others- the participant's bodyweight.  Frankly, I generally give a person's bodyweight the same type of consideration Mel Gibson gives to good public relations.  Nevertheless, it stands to reason that the heavier a person is, the lower they should load their jump squats.  This is because a jump squat really includes the lifter's bodyweight in the total load lifted, as they're leaving the ground.  Additionally, the heavier a lifter is, the greater eccentric force they generate in their landing, which will affect their recovery rate considerably.  As such, he recommends utilizing a percentage of total system weight (body weight + one rep maximum bar weight) rather than simply utilizing their one rep max.  As this might seem somewhat confusing to those of you with widely spaced eyes, here's his example:


After trying to reverse my loading for the total system weight, I realized that it wouldn't provide any kind of useful example.  I generally use 455 for doubles and 405 for sets of 5, which is 70% of my 1RM and 62% of my 1RM.  If you'd like to convert that for yourself, feel free.  If you'd just like to use common sense, it'd probably be easier than doing the mostly useless arithmetic   If you're fat, use lower percentages.  If you're skinny, use higher percentages if you want.  Problem solved.

Squat as if Arnold was watching you.

In terms of sets and reps, I don’t recommend high reps for these due to the fact that your speed drops precipitously as your reps increase.  As the study I alluded to above stated, that's not necessarily a bad thing, at least until you actually lose the ability to jump off the ground.  Wishing you were moving quickly only goes so far in jump squats.  As such, I'd keep it to 4-10 sets of 1-5 reps.

There you have it- jump squats, in all of their glory.  Go do them.

Sources:
Caserotti P, Aagaard P, Buttrup LJ. and Puggaard L. Explosive heavy-resistance training in old and very old adults: changes in rapid muscle force, strength and power, 2008. Scan J Medicine & Science in Sports, 18: 773–782.

Chapman D, Newton M, Sacco P, Nosaka K.  Greater muscle damage induced by fast versus slow velocity eccentric exercise.  Int J Sports Med. 2006 Aug;27(8):591-8.

Harvey, Matt.  Your tap water is probably laced with antidepressants.  Salon.  41 Mar 2013.  Web. 30 May 2013.  http://www.salon.com/2013/03/14/your_tap_water_is_probably_laced_with_anti_depressants_partner/

McBride JM, Triplett-McBride, Davie A, Newton RU. The effect of heavy-vs. light-load jump squats on the development of strength, power, and speed, 2002. J Strength Cond Res 16:75– 82.

Middleton, Ian.  Jump Squats.  How Much To Load?  Published online.  http://www.dieselcrew.com/articles-pdf/DC-IM-JumpSquats.pdf

Paddon-Jones D, Leveritt M, Lonergan A, Abernethy P. Adaptation to chronic eccentric exercise in humans: the influence of contraction velocity. Eur J Appl Physiol, 2001 Sep;85(5):466-71.

Verkhoshanskii IuV, Biru AA. Patterns in the long-term body adaptation of the athlete to
physical loads. Fiziol Cheloveka. 1987 Sep-Oct; 13(5):811-8. Print.

Young WB,Bilby GE.  The effect of voluntary effort to influence speed of contraction on strength, muscular power, and hypertrophy development. J Str Con, 1993 7(3), 172-178.

Why "Your Head Is Fucking Tiny" Is The Greatest Compliment You'll Ever Receive

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"If I want to find out how much physical force a man possesses, or is likely to possess in a dormant state, I look at his neck. That never fails to answer my question. In both men and the other male beasts, the neck has always been the true indication of a quality and quantity of his concentrated nerve power. A strong healthy man always has a powerful neck, and he always will have one."  
- George Jowett, The Key to Might and Muscle.


As anyone who's read this blog with any regularity knows, I started lifting weights after failing to bench press 135 lbs for the strength training test for high school football.  Apparently the shame of that sort of weakness has been washed away in a tidal wave of internet white knighting, participation trophies, public displays of weakness in Youtube videos, and rising flood waters of emasculation and estrogen in which the Western world is currently drowing.  When I was in high school, however, it would probably have been less embarrassing to show up at school in drag than it was to stand before the football team as one of the "remedial kids" who couldn't bench a bar with a plate on each side.  I didn't just feel compelled to sit at the kiddie table for meals- it was pretty much akin to being sent to the kiddie table in a pink petticoat while singing "I'm A Little Teapot" in falsetto and my dick tucked between my legs.  As such, I went on a benching and dipping bender that made your modern day bench bro's workout seem positively balanced in comparison.  Throughout high school, I began adding other exercises as I discovered there was other shit to do in the gym besides bench, weighted dips, and calf raises, and I started mixing in neck work on a regular basis.

134 lbs of fury.

By the time I was a junior, people had started to comment on the size of my neck, as my work on the neck harness was compounded by the work it got in wrestling and football.  For those of you who've not participated in one or either sport, the first week of both seasons is pretty much non-stop neck soreness.  Wrestling involved a tremendous amount of your opponent pushing and pulling on your neck, in addition to a top of bridging off the back of your head, and football's basically nonstop weighted neck work from having to carry the weight of your helmet.  By the end of the first week of football two-a-day practice in the summer, your helmet feels like it weighs 40 lbs, and your neck's so sore you can't tell if you have a headache, chest pains, or you're simply experiencing muscular hypertrophy so fast and violent that your head is threatening to pop in a shower of blood and pus like it's the worst zit you've ever had.  My neck, to be honest, wasn't all that objectively big- it was only about 16.5" or 17", but I weighed 140 lbs.  As such, it looked huge.


Over time, I periodically trained neck like a maniac so that it kept pace with my physique.  There is nothing more preposterous, in my opinion, than a big dude with a little neck.  A little dude with a huge neck looks like a scrapper- you can rest assured if you see a guy with a neck bigger than his upper arms, he's a dangerous motherfucker (provided we're not talking a 12" neck and 11" arms).  If that's what you're looking at, betting that he's seen his fare share of fustigation and drunken mosh pits is reasonable.  Conversely, when you see a dude with big ass arms and a pencil neck, you can rest assured, without exception, that he is all show and no go.  If you need further proof of this, you can actually look to a woman- Gina Carano looks tough not only because if she smiled her head would explode into thousands of acid-spitting rape demons with footlong barbed penises, but because that broad's neck is probably bigger than everyone you know.

That is one thick-ass neck on a very hot chick.

Put more eloquently, from The Art Of The Neck:

"Contrary to popular belief
Your manhood is
Defined by the measurement
At your top button
No surprises for anyone
Just exposed flesh for the
Gawking."

Arco.

Before you scoff, consider the fact that a small neck on a muscular man is not only a purely modern phenomenon, but would have been considered offensive to men of a bygone era.  For instance, the diminutive turn-of-the-century bodybuilder Otto Arco had a 17" neck at 135 lbs, while his training partner Stanislaus Zbyszko had a neck that measured over 21".  Early rough-and-tumble fighter/wrestler Sir Atholl Oakely rocked a neck almost two feet around at its biggest, despite the fact that he never once lifted weights- his strength and size came entirely from beating the dogshit out of people.  Legendary lifter and wrestler George Hackenschmidt stretched his collar to 22" inches while only weighing 204 lbs.  Descriptions of "manly" men in turn of the century books and earlier almost never mentioned the size of a man's biceps or chest, but rather the size of his neck, shoulders, and back- those have been the benchmarks of strength and masculinity thoughout until feminists and liberals colluded to strip the modern male of his masculinity.  Now, it's a near certainty you'll see one thousand men with plucked or waxed eyebrows in your gym before you'll see someone throw around weight and then don a shirt with a 20" collar he can't button for fear of choking to death.

Before we move forward, I suppose it would stand to reason we delineate small from large necks.  Thus, I turn to Steve Helmicki, former champion powerlifter and former proud owner of a massive 23" neck at 5'4" (from the vids I've seen of him recently, he seems to have slacked off on his training).  The dude loves neck training so much that he's written poems about necks and makes his dogs train neck, so it's safe to say that he's psychotic enough to make a completely impartial judge of your neck size.  Thus, here is his condemnation of the bit of meat holding up your head:

Steve Helmieki's Neck Size Chart:
14”: Girl
15.5”: Puny
16.5”: Average
17.5”: XL
18.5”: XXL
19”: XXXL (Pre-Massive)
20”: XXXXL (Huge Status)
21”: XXXXL (Enormity)
22”: Awe 
23”: Freak

25": Veroninized (Which I assume refers to powerlifter Jim Veronin)
26": Cartoonish

(I'm aware 24" was skipped.  I've no idea why that is.)

A large, strong neck does more than just look cool, however- a strong neck makes what is a weak link in most lifters' proverbial chains strong.  It will improve your bench by allowing you to press your head harder into the bench, thereby strengthening your arch.  It will improve your deadlift by stabilizing your spine.  It can help your squat if you're failing lifts from being unable to hold your head in a neutral position due to a heavy load on your spine.  It will enable you to give better head, longer, to whomever you're going down on.  It will keep you from dying if you, say, flip your Mazdaspeed 3 end over end while driving at high speeds while not wearing your seatbelt.  It will make you a better fighter, leaving you less susceptible to chokes and less prone to being knocked out.
A thick neck and murderous rage kept Tyson off the canvas for quite some time.

All of the aforementioned lifters' necks, and much of my own neck size, came from the liberal application of isometric neck work and high reps.  This seems, then, to be the one muscle group that responds incredibly well to those two training methods.  Early on in my neck building extravaganza, I relied almost primarily on isometrics for neck work, with the exception of the occasional day of neck-work insanity on my high school's ancient Nautilus 4-way neck machine.  Due to the constant battering my neck got on the football field and in wrestling practice, it grew like John Holmes's cock on the set of an orgy porn starring naught but broads with DD tits and 24" waists.  In grad school I picked up the gauntlet again in an effort to get my neck up to 19", inspired by a combination of boredom and a desire to experiment with localized hypertrophy.  As such, I started doing high-volume, high-rep, high frequency neck training with relatively low weights, and enjoyed a reasonable amount of success.  Training neck for at least three sets of 20 in each direction (four, if you're having trouble with counting today) for 6-7 days in a row, with at least double that volume on Tuesdays and Thursdays brought my neck from 16.5 to just about 18" in 4 months, during which time I leaned out and saw my bodyweight drop from around 175 to around 165.

My neck was literally bigger than that Bulgarian's legs at 170 lbs.

The only thing that held me back from reaching my lofty goal was cramping.  During my neck training rampage I never once got a massage until it was too late, which was a critical mistake.  My dad popped over the lake to visit me and we immediately hopped a train to Salzburg.  At some point I made the grave error of turning my head to the left to look out the window, and promptly passed out face first onto the floor from the immense and immediate pain of the entirety of my neck cramping in unison.  Only the liberal application of professional massage, massive quantities of muscle relaxers, and sleep were able to resolve the issue, and I was markedly less aggressive in my neck training thereafter.  Thus, while daily training of the neck is possible and will result in immediate and rather explosive neck growth, doing so without the proper rehab work may well result in you shitting your pants from taking too many muscle relaxers.

It's much hotter when chicks do it.

Should you wish to embark upon a high rep neck programs, Steve Helmicki makes a recommendation with which I agree- start with neck bridges and gradually work your way upward in volume.  Wrestlers traditionally have some of the biggest necks on Earth, and their preferred method for building them is the wrestler's bridge.  The following is Steve's recommendation for doing so, as my programming recommendation would likely be something along the lines of "just do a fucking neck bridge":
"For trainees just beginning neck work it is recommended the volume be gradual. Start with five reps on the forehead and five reps on the back of the head. Add a repetition or two.  When you achieve twenty reps split into a twice daily routine.
Complete upon rising and prior to going to bed. Stretch post training and throughout the day. We have experienced trainees gaining two inches in six weeks. Stretch thoroughly/ice" (Helmicki, 22).
For those of you who have never done a neck bridge, they're just about the most simple exercise of all time- wrestlers have been doing them for millennia to strengthen their necks and have suffered no injuries, no matter what the idiots on your favorite message boards might have to say otherwise.  Training the bridge is simple, and there are plenty of tutorials online if you need help figuring out how to lay on your back, arch it, and then push yourself up onto the back of your head using leg drive.  I'm not saying you're retarded if you can't figure it out without Youtube tutorials... I'm just saying you should be sterilized and placed into a home for the mentally disabled so the rest of the world doesn't have to deal with your idiocy.  Here's how wrestlers do bridge drills, by and large (from iSport.com)
"Bridge-ups
A great way to improve your neck strength and to practice bridging is to perform bridge-ups. This is a very simple exercise and it’s extremely beneficial for intermediate wrestlers. This is how they are done:
1.  Start lying on your back with the palms of your hands resting on your stomach.
2.  Get into your neck bridge. Make sure your feet are flat on the mat and you are supporting your weight on the back of your head. (Your back should not be touching the mat.)
3.  Use your feet to push off the mat and arch up. As you do this, “roll” on your head so that the very top of your head is touching the mat. Arch up as high as you can — try to touch your forehead or nose to the mat.
4.  As you arch up, extend your arms along the mat next to your head. The backs of your hands should touch the mat when you are fully arched.
5.  Lower your body and return to your original position. Move your arms down towards your legs and rest them on your stomach. Don’t let your back fall to the mat, support yourself!
6.  Repeat this motion for 20-25 repetitions. 
Hot Tip: Bridge Your Partner
If you want a bit more of a challenge when doing bridge-ups, have a partner straddle your midsection while facing you as you perform them. Make sure your partner keeps good posture with his head above his hips so he can keep his balance. This will help you increase your neck and back strength, and it will also simulate the action of bridging an opponent off of you" (Neck Bridge Drills).

Another easy way to get your neck into condition for some hardcore neck training would be to do isometrics, which is how we conditioned our necks in football.  Most of what you see online is nonsense wherein a person is training against their own hands, which is stupid and pointless.  Isometrics should be done with a partner, as you'll get far more resistance and neck training will be come competitive.  For lateral  training, for instance, you will be on all fours, and will push the side of your head against your partner's leg as hard as possible for a twenty count.  At that point, you'll be trying to knock him over with the strength of your neck, and he'll be trying to keep from moving.  Also on all fours, you'll train vertical strength- to train flexion, you'll have your partner make a basket with their fingers into which you'll press, and for extension they'll push the top of your head with their pals, both while standing over you bent at the waist.  This will also become rapidly competitive, with each partner trying to pin the other's chin into their chest from the top, and actually pulling their partner off the ground when training flexion.  Bret Contreras posted some interesting variations on these if you're interested, which you can check out here.


Should you question the efficacy of training that doesn't involve weights, consider this- Corey Taylor of Slipknot/Stone Sour might weigh 150 and has an 18" neck, and Corey Taylor has an 18" neck, and George Fisher of Cannibal Corpse stretches the tape to over 20" around his neck.  Their secret?  Headbanging during shows.  No bullshit:
"In the October 2012 issue of U.K.'s Metal Hammer magazine, vocalist George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher (pictured below) of Florida death metallers CANNIBAL CORPSE was asked to explain his "gigantic neck." "Well, it's just from headbanging and lifting weights when I was younger," he said. "My dad had a business where he did painting, roofing and everything, so I'd work with him all day long. After that, we'd go to fishing spots to catch and eat all these fish. Then I'd jog over to my friend's house, who lived about a mile away, and we'd lift weights. If you compare old pictures from when I was in VILE to now, it's obviously grown and the only thing I've really done since is headbanging, which must be fairly similar to weightlifting."
Asked if he has ever had his neck measured, like if he had to get a tuxedo to go to a wedding or something, Fisher said, "Maybe when I got married in '98, but I don't remember and it's bigger now. If you really look at it, it's bigger than the base of my head or where my ears are. A friend of mine once said, 'You don't have a head, you're a neck with lips.' A lot of security guys will come up to me and complain about working out, but having skinny necks, and ask how I do it. I tell them to listen to [SLAYER's] 'Reign In Blood' and headbang the whole way through after working out."(Blabbermouth)

Up next, more exercises for training your neck, possibly more poetry, and some training routines to turn your toothpick into a tree trunk.

Sources:
Blabbermouth.  Cannibal Corpse Frontman Explains ''Gigantic Neck'.  Blabbermouth.net.  28 Nov 2012.  Web.  12 May 2013.  http://www.blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=182885

Helmicki, Steven.  Art of the Neck.  Vol. 1.  2008.  PDF.

Neck Bridge Drills for Wrestling.  Wrestling.isport.com.  Web.  10 Jun 2013.  http://wrestling.isport.com/wrestling-guides/neck-bridge-drills-for-wrestling 

Dude, So and So Got SO Fucking Jacked For That Movie: Henry "Fat Cavill" Cavill

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Superman would have been awesome had the Soviets dominated in WWII... except that Shuster and Siegel likely would have been deported and liquidated by Stalin with most of the rest of the Jews in Russia.

I've made no bones about my dislike of DC's most famous character, the squeaky-clean, has-every-fucking-power-in-the-book, unstoppable, relentlessly boring Superman.  As a character, he's uninspiring, but his appearance is banal to the point where he should be a middle manager at a small manufacturing company who owns no pants but dockers and no shirts but short-sleeved, plaid button-downs and drives a wood-paneled, powder blue minivan to work every day, rather than being a newspaper reporter.  While I think Shazaam/Captain Marvel is actually the progenitor of the Dudley Do-Right ethos Superman's championed since the early 1940s, Superman's personality compounds the anti-appeal of his appearance to create what has to be the most genuinely unlikeable character since Archie (who is apparently also getting a feature film soon).
More likable.

Though it should surprise no one, the people who have played Superman on the silver screen were generally bland and remarkably unmuscular that one wonders if the people doing the casting were aware of the generally muscular appearance of superheroes in general.  In chronological order from the 1940s World's Fair onward, behold the physical wrecks who've played the iconic man of steel:

1940: Ray Middleton, rocking a slightly modified 'S' because no one knew who the fuck Superman was in 1940, and entirely bereft of visible musculature.

1948-1950: Kirk Alyn, who would have benefited greatly from the invention of Spanx, had they existed in the 1940s.

1951-1954: George Reeves, who ate a bullet out of shame after seeing his legs in the mirror.



1961: Johnny Rockwell, a man with a physique so pathetic his pilot Superboy tv show never even aired.

1966-1968:  Who better to play a muscular, super-strong alien with every superpower known to man than a 34-year-old, showtune-singing, chubby fuck named Bob Holiday?

1975:  Left with no way to make Superman suck more, David Wilson played a Superman whose musculature was replaced by a mad scientist with a voice that could only be described as a combination of Fergie and Jesus.


1978-87: Christopher Reeve, before he proved he was not "super" anything, other than crippled.

1979: Tayfun Demir in the odious but hilarious Turkish Return of Superman, who seems to have had his arms replaced with pipe cleaners after some horrible industrial accident.

1988-1989:  John Haymes Newton, who at least had the decency to have visible abdominal development as Superboy.

1989-1992- After allowing a person who clearly did semi-regular situps play Superboy, the studio, ashamed of their mistake and searching for answers, recast the role with a pigeon-toed, metrosexual, former soap opera star, Guido named Gerard Christopher to atone for their sins.


1993-1997:  Dean Cain, simultaneously proving it only takes a pro football player 5 years to lose his physique entirely and that Superman can be played by a guy who's clearly one of those "Asianals" Andrew Dice Clay likes to mock.

2001-2011:  Tom Welling, proving once more that no one in Hollywood gives a shit about source material and that the CW is the worst thing to happen to humans who can see and hear.

2006: Brandon Routh, the first Superman to do "rope yoga", whatever the fuck that is.  Those of you to have the misfortune to see this film know Routh's unimpressive swimmer's build was the most impressive thing about the pile of uninspired dogshit that was Superman Returns.

2009: Matt Bohmer as the first gay Superman.  Who knew Superman was a twink?  All joking aside, I find it amusing that a 150 lb Superman looks far more "super" than the fat fucks who played the role from the 1940s to the 70s.

All physical wrecks, until now...

2013: Henry Cavill takes a steaming shit on precedent and actually lifts weights to play the first jacked Superman.

The tide of suck seems to be going out, however, as Zach Snyder appears poised to make Superman cultural relevant and interesting again.  Snyder cast Henry Cavill in the role of Superman based in large part on the fact that Cavill was already fairly jacked for his role in an unpronounceable Russian director's completely unwatchable film, The Immortals. Having not created a suit for the movie yet, Snyder dug up Chris Reeve's corpse, peeled off the Superman suit from his rotting body, and handed it to Cavill for his screentest.  After proving that not even the gooey bits of a quadrapalegic's rotting flesh could keep him from looking like a badass in a 40 year old Superman costume, Cavill got the part.

Seriously, don't bother watching this, even on Netflix instant.  The Immortals is truly godawful.

Though Cavill was cut up like a bag of dope for the Immortals, that wasn't always the case-according to the dudes at Men's Health, Cavill's nickname growing up was"Fat Cavill"(Chang, Superman).  In spite of addictions to Elder Scrolls and Skyrim (I'm not making that up), Cavill managed to not be a disgusting fatass as he grew into adulthood, he wasn't really rocking a physique that belied his standout performances on rugby and field hockey pitches when he auditioned for the Immortals.  In his tenure on the show The Tudors (the show on which he was working when he auditioned), Cavill could only be described as skinny fat, echoing in most regards your average weightlifting message board poster's physique.  After getting the nod for the role in spite of being a pasty white, toothpick armed doughboy, Cavill trained his ass off for the role.


The physique for which most Fittitors strive.

Trained by Mark Twight, progenitor of the 300 workout, 6'1" Cavill lifted six days a week on an extremely restrictive diet with the rest of the cast to build muscle and lose fat.  Cavill eventually dropped 25 lbs for the role and hit an all-time low of 6% bodyfat for the Immortals, for which he credits the fact that he worked out with cast members and  who eventually went on to become a star athlete who excelled at rugby, field hockey and cricket, says training for the role of the Greek warrior Theseus in "Immortals" rivaled the Labors of Hercules in their brutality.  Prior to hitting the weights for the role, Cavill put in five straight months training with martial artist Roger Yuan just to get into shape.  Day in, day out, for that period, Cavill trained for four to five hours a day with a combination of bodyweight movements, cardio, chapala yoga and kung fu before he was able to begin weapons and fight training.  According to Cavill's cast member Luke Evans, with whom Cavill trained, their trainer would  "wake [them] up at seven in the morning and before breakfast we'd run up and down 21 flights of stairs in the hotel three times. Also, you're constantly feeling hungry because you're only eating what your body can burn off - you don't want to store anything. You're just like a processing machine" (Morris).  Having survived the conditioning phase, the cast began training with circuit weights at 4A.M. six days a week for over an hour at a time before moving on to weapons and fight training, skirting the line between eye-bleeding intensity and pants-shitting insanity.  Though there are no details on what the workouts were exactly, they're rumored to be of the variety a certain group of Kool-Aid-drinking "elite athletes" do on a daily basis.  According to Men's Fitness UK, the workouts consisted mostly of high intensity compound movements, with the addition of some rehab work to prevent repetitive stress injuries from fight and stunt training (Hit and Myth).  The only thing that got him the workouts was, surprisingly, the sense of camaraderie he had with his cast mates and extras, all of whom participated in the daily workouts and ate roughly the same diet.

"There was a sense of team and camaraderie," Cavill, 28, recalls. "We all sweated together, we all bled together, we all ate the same highly inefficient food and just kept on going and supported each other."
"Because they were doing it—and if they could do it, so could I. It's not the end of the world that your feet hurt. Push yourself" (Chang, Superman).


Though the majority of their training was free-weight based, all of their workouts ended with a circuit of some kind to burn out the actors.  One such workout was the brainchild of Gym Jone's Mark Twight, while the other was created by the aforementioned Ricky Blanchard.  The purpose of these circuits was two-fold- one, they were intended to condition the actors for 14 hour physical workdays in which they had to look as fresh as the scene required, and two, to get the last bits of bodyfat off of them, so as to appear as the Greek warriors with which we're familiar from Greek art.



You know the Greeks took shit seriously if their statues had abdominal vascularity.

Twight's workout is nothing Earth shattering, though his recovery method, known as the "tailpipe technique" might prove useful to the average trainee.  The tailpipe is a breathing exercise intended to help trainees manage fatigue, which is of primary concern to the special operations trainees and action movie actors Twight typically trains. The method works like this- right after you complete an exercise, take eight calm, controlled breaths through your nose.  Don't fiddlefuck around with your mp3 player, dance in place, or engage in a bit of the ol' jib-jab with your training partner- just breathe.  The second you've completed your last exhalation, move on to the next exercise in the circuit.


The circuit, as I mentioned, is hardly incredibly innovative, but according to Cavill is highly effective.  Grab a 35 lb. kettlebell and do 25 reps of each of the following movements:


Goblet Squat

Kettlebell Swing
Squat Thrusts (clearly, you won't be holding the kettlebell for these)
Jumping Jacks (you won't be holding the kettlebell for these, either)



Blanchard's circuit was a bit more intense and utilized a Tabata protocol to condition Cavill's balls off while building strength at the same time.

Warm-up
5 rounds 1 minute jumping rope, 1 minute rest

Round 1
30 seconds work, 10 seconds
Weight plate halo
T-bar row
Dumbbell clean and press
Mountain climbers on upside down Bosu ball
Gym ball jackknife with hands on Bosu
Side to side pushups on Bosu
Dumbbell swings
Medicine ball wall toss
2 minutes' rest

Round 2
Repeat the circuit from the first round with 40 seconds' work, 10 seconds' rest (Hit and Myth)


Like Tom Hardy in Warrior, Cavill credited the diet equally with the soul-crushing workout regimen for his ripped as a prolapsed anus's sphincter condition.  Cavill's diet was created by one of the trainer fors the cast of The Immortals, Ricky Blanchard, and is surprisingly high in carbohydrates and relatively low in fat and protein.  They did carb cycle, however, so the diet below isn't entirely accurate- Blanchard explained Cavill would spend one to two days on a lower carb diet, then kick up the carbs for a day to replenish his glycogen stores.  Without doing that, Blanchard said, there would have been no way for Cavill to make it though the long daily sessions of weightlifting and fighting.  According to Men's Fitness, here's a general day in the gastronomic life of an Immortals cast member:


Monday 

Breakfast: Oatmeal with dried fruit and almond milk. 1 serving of fruit.
Snack: Natural protein bar. Sports recovery drink
Lunch: Salad of your choice but must include chicken breast, 30g avocado and 90g low-fat cheese. Low-fat dressing.
Snack: 60g nuts.
Dinner: 125ml vegetable  soup. 180g salmon with lemon sauce, asparagus and wild rice.
Snack: 250ml fat-free cottage cheese. 30g nuts.

Tuesday

Breakfast: Protein shake (blend 1 banana, 50g berries, 1 scoop protein powder, 250ml almond milk).
Snack: Hummus with carrots
Lunch: 250ml vegetable soup. Salad with chopped turkey.
Snack: 1 green apple. 2tbsp almond butter.
Dinner: 180g chicken breast with 2tbsp honey chili sauce, quinoa and snap peas.
Snack: 20g casein protein.

Wednesday

Breakfast: Egg white omelet. Handful of strawberries.
Snack: 225g cottage cheese.
Lunch: Tuna salad with greens. 250ml soup.
Snack: 8 almonds. Carrot, apple, celery and ginger juice drink.
Dinner: 225g swordfish with mango and ginger sauce, wild rice and 1 medium artichoke.
Snack: Fresh pineapple with 225g cottage cheese.

Thursday

Breakfast: Muesli with almond milk. 1tbsp protein powder. Carrot, apple, celery and ginger juice drink.
Snack: 240ml low-sodium V8 juice. 2tbsp peanut butter.
Lunch: Stir-fry 170g scallops with 250g Chinese vegetables, garlic, onion and ginger in 2tbsp olive oil.
Snack: Protein shake (blend 1 banana, 250ml carrot juice, 1 scoop protein powder).
Dinner: 225g turkey burger with coleslaw (no bun). 250ml gazpacho.
Snack: 20g casein protein.



Friday

Breakfast: 250g fat-free plain Greek yoghurt. 1 banana.
Snack: 225g unsalted nuts. Carrot, apple, celery and ginger juice drink.
Lunch: Veggie burger with sautée vegetables and salad. 125ml vegetable soup.
Snack: 20 pistachio nuts.
Dinner: Tuna salad with plenty of greens. 250ml chilled cucumber soup.
Snack: 225g cottage cheese. 30g mixed nuts.

Saturday

Breakfast: Scrambled egg white or egg white omelette with mushrooms. Handful of strawberries. 170g cottage cheese.
Snack: 1 tomato. 50g fat-free cheese.
Lunch: Soup and salad of your choice (include 2tsp sesame seeds).
Snack: 50g turkey jerky. 280g almonds.
Dinner: 280g halibut with 4tbsp pesto, wild rice and courgette.
Snack: 20g casein protein.

Sunday

Breakfast: Egg white omelette with spinach. Handful of strawberries.
Snack: Fresh pineapple with 30g cottage cheese. 225g unsalted nuts.
Lunch: 280g steak with salad of your choice (include avocado).
Snack: 1 apple with 2tbsp almond butter.
Dinner: Beef and broccoli stir fry. 250ml miso soup. 1tbsp protein powder.
Snack: 225g cottage cheese. Handful of mixed nuts.



Blanchard, who clearly has some sort of cottage cheese fetish, appears to have put the cast of The Immortals on a starvation diet the likes of which has not been seen outside of a sorority house in years.  According to Cavill, the diet worked wonders but the cast paid the price, getting sick every time a stiff breeze blew past due to the heavy workload and light diet.  As such, Cavill did what any red-blooded man would do and got good and hammered on the weekends to unwind from the brutality of a spartan diet and training regimen that exceeded 6 months in length.  "When you train with guys and you're all eating nothing in order to be lean, there are those weekends," Cavill, 28, recalls. "There's no point in going halfway. You're going to wake up with a terrible hangover and think, 'OK, thank God, I got that out of my system'" (Chang, Henry).  On their once weekly cheat days, Cavill and Evans would hit up a steak restaurant for "a great rib-eye steak, chips and couple of pints"(Morris).  I've no idea precisely what Cavill drank, but should you wish to follow his example you might want to stick to clear liquors and stout beer to keep your carbs low, and to supplement with a multivitamin, ZMA, liver support like Liver Stabil or Liver Armor, a protein shake, and a gallon of water before bed and through the night to minimize your hangover the next day.




Having already gotten ripped for the Immortals, Cavill changed his training and eating strategy considerably for Superman in an effort to gain as much fat free mass as possible for the role.  Retaining the services of Mark Twight, Cavill started putting in long hours at the gym and at the dinner table.  Though the exact details of Cavill's Superman program remain shrouded in secrecy, Cavill did have the follow to say about his programming:



  • he trained two and a half hours a day on average, five to six days a week (Man of Steel)
  • for the first two months of training, he lifted on his own and tried to gain as much size and strength as possible, using what basically amounted to a powerlifting routine.  He kept the weights as heavy as possible and his reps low in an effort to build a dense physique, focusing on cleans, squats, deadlifts, overhead presses, and bench presses (Dutta; Man of Steel)
  • the last four months of training were spent with Twight, trying to gain more mass while leaning out as much as possible (Ibid)




Cavill gave a little insight into the exact programming Twight had him doing in one interview, wherein he stated "Mark Twight, the chap from Gym Jones, has been putting me through the ringer big time. An example of the sort of workouts we’ve been doing recently? A couple of weeks ago it was 100 front squats in body weight. We’ve been quite fond of doing the 100 repetition stuff recently and heavy as well."  In keeping with his previous sentiments about group training, Cavill stated that it helped his progress considerably in his quest for mass as well.  "For example, if Mike Levins, who’s the assistant trainer, Mark Twight, and myself are training, we’ll just do 10 reps of a weight and then someone drops out, they do 10, someone drops out, they do 10. By the time the third person’s finished their set, you come in and do your 10, up to 100. Otherwise, training stuff, I mean, it’s huge amounts of kettle bell workouts" (Man of Steel)




Interestingly, Cavill revealed that he had a special six-week period of training specifically for his shirtless scene, as he insisted there be CGI abs in the movie.  Though he was less forthcoming with the details than the NSA's been about their recent rape of the Constitution, it would seem from his description of that 6 week period that he was training and dieting even harder than usual, as he admitted he was a mean son of a bitch during the training and hungry all the time.  Cavill revealed in an interview for the Immortals that his trick for looking pumped onscreen is that he constantly carries resistance bands with him on set to keep his pump.  It sucks, apparently, because he's exhausted, starving, and usually lifted before they shot each day, but it worked.  For Superman, it appears he added random sets of pullups to his pump up regimen, as I've seen more pics of Cavill doing pullups hanging off of any overhead ledge or bar that happened to be nearby than I have vids of Ashley Blue being throatfucked until she puked (and trust me, that's a lot).  The ultimate payoff, however, was the fact that movie theaters are hiring cum swabbers out of porn shop's "video arcades" to clean the seats after female audience members view the scene, and Zach Snyder hooked him up with a badass meal immediately after the shoot for the shirtless scene wrapped.  "The biggest treat was after a six-week phase when I was getting in shape for shirtless scenes.  After that, Zack Snyder bought me an amazing apple pie and a tub of ice cream. Then I ordered a pizza as well, and didn’t even go home — I just sat in a trailer afterwards and ate it. I passed into a food coma after that" (Shortlist).




Swapping his bulking diet for the cutting diet was the hardest part of the shoot and training, according to Cavill, because until he started cutting he'd been eating 5,000 calories a day in his quest to pack on mass as quickly as possible.  The diet definitely worked, as some sources stated Cavill put on twenty five pounds of rip in his six month training period.  Unlike his pro-ana Immortals diet, Cavll's Superman diet consisted of large quantities of lean meats, eggs, fruits and veggies, with starches comprising the smallest part of his diet.  According to Cavill, "You’ve got to eat protein first, then a little bit of carbs" in order to stoke the furnace and keep your hunger levels high to continue eating (Dutta).  Nothing Earth shattering there- eat more meat, eat less crap and you'll gain muscle faster than before.




As usual, the takeaway from a "So and So" seems to be- eat a ton, train a ton, sleep a ton if you want to look superhuman.  Doing what everyone else is doing isn't going to cut it.  45 minutes of half-assed training a day four times a week isn't going to cut it.  "Cutting out carbs a little" isn't going to cut it. If you want extreme results, you have to apply extreme effort- quit whining about who's taking what, who's got the best genetics, and why you don't have the time or energy to get what you want.   If a dude who's nickname growing up was "Fat Cavill" could do it, so can you.






Don’t listen to the lies, your barriers are breakable- Fat Cavill

Sources:
Chang, Samantha.  Henry Cavill: I worked out at 4 every morning to get my 8-pack abs.  Examiner.  13 Nov 2011. Web.  11 Jun 2013.  http://www.examiner.com/article/henry-cavill-i-worked-out-at-4-every-morning-to-get-my-8-pack-abs-for-immortals

Chang, Samantha.  'Superman' star Henry Cavill sculpted body down to 6% body fat.  Examiner.  16 Oct 2011. Web.  11 Jun 2013.  http://www.examiner.com/article/superman-star-henry-cavill-i-sculpted-my-body-down-to-6-body-fat-for-immortals 


Dutta, Nirmalya.  Man of Steel: How Henry Cavill got in shape with the Superman Workout.  Health.India.com.  13 Jun 2013.  Web.  13 Jun 2013. http://health.india.com/fitness/man-of-steel-how-henry-cavill-got-in-shape-with-the-superman-workout/


Henry Cavill.  Shortlist.  4 Jun 2013.  Web.  13 Jun 2013.  http://www.shortlist.com/entertainment/films/henry-cavill


Henry Cavill on his training for the Immortals.  Hurtin Bombs.  9 May 2011.  Web.  11 Jun 2013.  http://hurtinbombs.com/post/5338493075/henry-cavill-on-his-training-for-immortals


Hit and Myth.  Men's Fitness UK.  Apr 2012.  Print.


The Immortal Workout.  Men's Health.  Web.  27 May 2013.  http://www.menshealth.com/celebrity-fitness/immortal-workout


Man of Steel Workout.  Movie Workouts.  11 Jun 2013.  13 Jun 2013.

http://www.movieworkouts.com/man-of-steel-workout

Miller, Chris.  Eat like a star of Immortals.  Men's Fitness.  23 Feb 2012.  Web.    http://www.mensfitness.co.uk/exercises/celebrity-workouts/2020/eat-star-immortals


Morris, Andy.  Diesel celebrates Luke Evans!  GQ.  24 Apr 2011.  13 Jun 2013.  http://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/entertainment/articles/2011-04/28/gq-film-diesel-celebrate-luke-evans


Total Film.  Henry Cavill talks Man Of Steel and James Bond. Total Film.  3 Aug 2011.  Web.  27 May 2013.  http://www.totalfilm.com/news/henry-cavill-talks-man-of-steel-and-james-bond

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Jesus Says, "I Killed Off All The Dinosaurs Because They Were Dirty Homos"

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The seminar is off, but this pic is too good to take down.

In my search for a hilarious and sexual pic for the end of this blog, I discovered this priceless bit of what appears to be Christian insanity.
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