“When confronted by a problem involving the use of the reasoning facilities, individuals of strong intellect keep their poise, and seek to reach a solution by obtaining facts bearing upon a question.  Those of immature mentality, on the other hand, when similarly confronted, are overwhelmed.  While the former might be qualified to solve the riddle of their own destiny, the latter must be led like a flock of sheep and taught in simple language” (Hall).

1. Survival.  Being so jacked and strong that the Hulk would think twice about rumbling with you earns you the same respect as Mike Tyson in his prime and reduces the chances that anyone will start shit.
2. Work ethic.  They work out harder than meth-head housewives clean their bathrooms during a week-long run.  If they have the opportunity, they train, whether it's inside, outside, or upside down, doing pushups, pullups, burpees, and every other bodyweight exercise of which they can think if they can't get into the gym and murder some weights.  One inmate I interviewed said he gained 40 lbs in 5 months lifting for one to three hours a day and additional workouts consisting of nothing but bodyweight exercises, 7 days a week.  Maniacal hardly describes that sort of a program.
3. Boredom.  You cannot fathom the utter, mind-numbing, suicidal thought inducing, grinding boredom that incarceration entails.
4. Competition.  Jails and prisons ave an air of competition that make the Olympics look like a game of pre-school hopscotch.  There is a constant, overriding, brutal air of competition to be the biggest, meanest, baddest, strongest motherfucker in god's cruel kingdom inside of every correctional facility.
5. Getting laid.  According to nearly every inmate with whom I spoke, there is one premier, overarching reason why dudes in the penal system train so they can get laid immediately upon release.  

"Yesterday's successes are fond fucking memories.  As soon as you start resting on your laurels, you begin cutting corners and taking shortcuts.  You get fat.  You get lazy.  You want to play it safe.  In my business, the business of killing people- the oxygen thieves, the corner cutters, shortcut takers, and professional safety experts are the ones who will get you killed.  If you're dead you can't accomplish your mission.  And if the mission isn't accomplished, YOU HAVE FUCKING FAILED!"

- Richard Marcinko

Yeah, I know- lifting isn't quite analogous to war, but the quote goes harder than a roomful of teenagers snacking on Viagra while checking out Bonnie Rotten vids, and and quote rings true in the gym- the motherfuckers who cut corners and take shortcuts are fat and lazy.  They lift like shit and thus look like shit.  Unlike those doughy fucks, inmates train.  Think you might be in danger of overtraining?  It's far more likely that you're just a fucking pussy.  These guys hammer their bodies in every time they lift, then follow their gym sessions up with endless sets of bodyweight circuits and game after game of basketball.  For example, the following program was used by one inmate I interviewed in concert with a shitload of food to take him from 150lbs of bones to 235 pounds of pissed off felon in just under a year:

Day 1: Two hours of biceps, triceps, and back, followed by another session consisting of various bodyweight exercises.
Day 2: Two hours of chest and shoulders- incline, decline, and flat bench with a variety of grip widths- followed by shoulder presses and laterals.
Day 3: Two hours of legs- squats, extensions, curls, and calves.
Day 4: Two hours of abs.
Day 5: Repeat.

Obviously, not every prison or jail allows their inmates to train 7 days a week.  In many institutions, it's limited to three days a week, so the remainder of their workouts have to be done with bodyweight work.  TONS of bodyweight work, Herschel Walker-style.

Greatest metal face ever.

"Sheer pain wrapped in animal willpower."

- Richard Marcinko

This is where the line between genius (albeit idiot savant- style genius, given the fact that most inmates seem to possess all of the technical strength training and programming knowledge of your average potted plant) and insanity, as necessity is the mother of inventiveness and these guys seem to employ mad-scientist-esque imagination in their bodyweight workouts.  Luckily for you, I've gotten you guys the inside scoop for this maniacal training, which will work just as well in a hotel room on a vacation as it does in lockup.  For those of you who are worried that your gainz will suffer and your efforts will be "wasted" (by the way, every lazy rat fuck on the Internet who whines about their endless worry that they might be "wasting their time" with the wrong workout while dithering about their program should eat a fucking lead salad, because they're annoying pussies without whom the world would be a better place), hear me: FUCK THAT SHIT.  Inmates train, by and large, on around 3000 calories at most, and in many situations on 1600 calories or less, most of which are carbs and fat, and they make gainz in spite of themselves just by going fucking hard.

...so just go fucking nuts.

"It is better to act quickly and err than to hesitate until the time of action is past." - Major General von Clausewitz

In true Chaos and Pain fashion, these weightless workouts are frequent, often lengthy, and almost completely structureless.  Instead of painstakingly calculating their volume, employing loading tables, analyzing their form, and generally turning lifting into a series of unnecessary calculations.  These motherfuckers just train.  Circuits of burpees, pullups, jogging, and pushups are followed by dip and pullup competitions, or challenges to lift random heavy objects, or wheelbarrow races (running on their hands while a partner runs behind them, holding their feet as they would the handles of a wheelbarrow).  Zero fucks are given about fatigue and no one ever utters the foul, unspeakable term "overtraining." Nah, these guys "ain't sweet like that." You can't take much from people who have nothing to lose, and inmates make the absolute best out of a seemingly hopeless situation by being tough and adaptable.  Given that their exercises are limited only by their surprisingly robust imaginations (dat adaptability!) it'd take too long to cover every possible permutation.  The following, then, will just be rather comprehensive highlights to provide you with a jumping off point more badass than tossing yourself off the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro.  The following exercises come in three delicious varieties: traditional bodyweight exercises, TRX-style movements, and makeshift resistance work using odd lifts and unconventional implements.

Bodyweight Exercises
Bodyweight movements serve as an incredibly strong foundation for strength training, and my recent use of them and careful consideration of my early years of training have caused me to re-prioritize these essential movements, from which I've deviated considerably in the last couple of years (much to my detriment).  Not to put too fine a point on it, but high repetition bodyweight movements are the shit.  The following are the movements and variations most popular in prison (which is interesting, because the inmates are generally completely ignorant of exercise science and nutrition, but necessity is the ultimate monkey, and these guys are doing exactly the right shit).

• Pullups- Always an excellent mainstay of any workout because a strong posterior chain makes for a strong lifter and barn door lats look awesome on everyone, pullups make up a great deal of inmates' bodyweight routines.  These are often done outside of the gym, hanging from anything that's handy, be it the cell door or window, the top bunk of a bed, or the back of an open stair in the common area.  Every imaginable grip is used to shift the focus of the exercise and reduce burnout... which of course facilitates more volume.  As for rep schemes, they are all over the map, and generally swing between maximum reps for burnouts in short timeframes and total volume over longer periods of time.
• Pushups- Pushups are the mainstay bodyweight exercise of any place o incarceration, as prisoners are obsessed with building huge "hoods" (pecs/chests) and "back arms (triceps), and few things work to that end like a couple thousand pushups per day a couple of times a week.  Inmates do these on the floor, on their knuckles, on the tips of their fingers, their wrists, incline, decline, diamond, ballistic, and from a deficit.
• Deck of Death-  The Deck of Death is utter brutality, and I've written about it before- this is what I used in high school and college to bring up my bench.  It shouldn't shock me, then, that my bench all but stalled out in subsequent years and my chest lagged behind my other body parts until my recent re-entry into the hallowed lands of 5000-7000 pushups a week.  Though I typically just do straight sets of 50-100, recording each set to ensure a minimum of 1500 a day, 3 times a week, plus additional days of a few hundred, I will occasionally do the Deck of Death to mix things up.  For that, I shuffle a deck of cards and do pushups according to the face value of the card (Jacks=11reps, Queens=12 reps, Kings=13 reps, and Aces=20 reps) and the suit (Diamonds= Diamond pushups, Hearts= Incline, Clubs= Decline, and Spades= Wide grip).  I recommend doing all reps but diamonds on your knuckles for more forearm/wrist work, using flip flops or towels for padding, and once you've finished the deck, you'll have done 440 pushups.  Although I don't time these, it's best from a workout density standpoint to complete the deck as quickly as possible.  Doing so will give your chest and triceps a pump so fucking brutal your balls will ache, you asshole will pucker, and anyone who sees you shirtless will think you shot your pecs full of Synthol.
• Squat- These can be done any number of ways, as you can likely imagine.  TYhe prominent method for forcing leg growth in lockup, however, is the Tyson workout, or "Tysons", which is also done using a deck of cards.  To do these, take 8 playing cards out of the deck at random and place them on the ground in a straight line about 18" inches apart.  Then take one more card from the deck, squat over the 1st card in the line and squat to below parallel, dropping the one you're holding on top of the card on the ground.  Then stand up, then squat and pick up the first card, then squat and pick up the second card and move to the second card in the line.  Repeat what you did the first time, squatting and dropping the two cards in two movements, then squat down three times to pick up each of the cards.  Repeat until you've picked up all of the cards.  If you use short rests, your legs will be burning like gonorrhea after a few sets.

The list definitely goes on, and this series is going to be loooooooooong, so get ready for a shitload of new posts in the coming weeks.  I realize I've been slacking like crazy with the posting, and that'll be rectified in the coming months.  To tide you over until part 2 is posted, however, I'm taking it back to the old school- here's the aforementioned porn goddess Bonnie Rotten to get your day started off right.

Sidebar: In case you've forgotten, Bernarr MacFadden was a harder motherfucker than you will probably ever be at the incredibly young age 12.  Having grown up in an environment wherein he was constantly being reminded that his death from tuberculosis or some other horrible and now easily curable disease was eminent, Bernarr decided to get hard.  Essentially an orphan he had no money to join a gym at 12, so he did what he could- he bought a set of dumbbells he used religiously every morning until he couldn't lift them, replacing them with heavier dumbbells when he needed a bigger challenge. He idolized the badass motherfuckers he saw coming out of mines and loathed the bitches he saw in banks, so he started carrying a lead ingot everywhere he went at age 15 so he wouldn't go soft (though he worked in an incredibly white collar company that would eventually became Dunn and Bradstreet.  As he grew older and got more wealthy, his penchant for experimentation expanded, and he became a renowned wrestler and strongman weighting only about 150 lbs due to a fanatical, round the clock lifting program and in spite of a near vegetarian diet... all the while running massive capitalist empire ranging from mail-order weightlifting programs to the first modern bodybuilding contest (and with the biggest cash prize ever awarded), sanitariums, multiple magazines, and a variety of other wacky shit .  In other words, BERNARR MACFADDEN WAS EVERYTHING JOE WEIDER FUCKING WISHED HE COULD HAVE BEEN AND NEVER EVEN GOT CLOSE.  

• 1970 NABBA Mr. Universe - professional in London, England.  Who cares?
• 1970 AAU Pro Mr. World in Columbus, Ohio.  Sergio entered the competition after showing up only to watch Vasily Alexeev clean and jerk 500 in an exhibition, so Arnold walked away with an easy victory against one day-of entry Oliva and perrenial bridesmaid-in-competitions Dave Draper.
• 1970 IFBB Mr. Olympia in New York.  Beat one guy who previously won uncontested.
• 1971 IFBB Mr. Olympia in Paris, France.  Beat two guys, one of whom was 50.
• 1972 IFBB Mr. Olympia in Essen, Germany.  Beat three disqualified opponents.
• 1973 IFBB Mr. Olympia in New York.  Beat a guy he outweighed by 50 lbs and the sliced and diced but totally outmassed Serge Nubret, because Sergio was so pissed at Weider's shenanigans, tomfoolery, and balderdash to bother showing up.
• 1974 IFBB Mr. Olympia in New York.  Beat one unseasoned competitor and two guys he outweighed by 50 lbs.
• 1975 IFBB Mr. Olympia in Pretoria, South Africa.  In his final lackluster Olympia victory before retiring, Arnold again defeated the Hulk, Serge Nubret, and a handful of guys who weighed what Arnold weighed in high school, all while competing light and having only trained a couple of months for the event.
• 1980 IFBB Mr. Olympia in Sydney, Australia.   Arnold is handed a victory in what is widely considered a fixed competition against decent competition, though seven of them would be considered "manlets" under today's standards because they weighed less than most novice lifters can bench.  

1. According to Rick Wayne, professional bodybuilder and longtime Weider magazine editor, "It was no secret around the Weider headquarters that whenever the publisher featured a black champion on the cover of Muscle Builder, sales plummeted.  Surely a champion who couldn't sell magazines was a close to useless as an endorser of food supplements and gym equipment" (Roach Vol II 35).
2. Sergio's 1970 Mr. Olympia loss was engineered.  Wieder and Arnold were known to be close and had entered into several joint business ventures by 1970, and Weider's fate was increasingly tied to Arnold's.  As such, Weider and Arnold convinced Sergio that Arnold was not competing at the 1970 Mr. World (though Weider had arranged private transportation to the event for Arnold), which precipitated Sergio's naive entry into the contest the day of the event and subsequent loss.  This loss destroyed his confidence and interrupted his preparation for the Olympia, which was held two weeks later. 
3. Due to the deception, Arnold was crowned Mr. World, run by Jim Lorimer, both of whom began co-promoting the Night of Champions a few years later in the same venue.
4. Onstage at the 1970 Mr. Olympia, Arnold tricked Oliva into leaving the stage as if he'd lost as Arnold kept posing.  According to a variety of sources, this had a measurable effect on the judges in Arnold's favor, and guaranteed that Weider would have his fair-haired Mr. Olympia for Magazine covers.
5. Weider quickly passed rules banning IFBB competitors from competing in other organizations, which prevented any real competition from entering the Olympia and kept Arnold out of any competitions that would jeopardize Weider's investment, including an exhibition in 1972 in which both Arnold and Sergio would have been paid $2500 each to compete... at a time when only Mr. Olympia received prize money in that competition and the prize was less than half of Lurie's.

"I would walk the length of the 50-foot cell and back and do 25 push-ups. I would do it for one hour, I would do it for two hours. I would get a minimum of 500 push-ups—regular, elevated, diamond push-ups. I would also do dips on a half-wall—kind of like you’re climbing over a fence.

Another day I would do pull-ups. They had a stairway and there was no backing to it. It was metal and it was grated—you couldn’t just grab the stairway. You had to take toilet paper and roll it up and put it over the grate so it wouldn’t hurt your hands. I would do five pull-ups then walk back and forth and then another five pull-ups.

They would bring in coffee at five o’clock in the morning in this round jug. It was quite large—it probably held four gallons, five gallons—and we would wrap the laundry bag through the handles and we would do curls with that"

- Ryan Fergueson, author of Stronger, Faster, Smarter, which chronicles the author's ten year stint in jail (in which he was in the best shape of his life)for being accused of a crime by a friend who had dreamt it.

"Prisoners also fill pillowcases with sand to use as dumbbells. In cells people fill trash bags with water and placed inside a bucket with a handle for shoulder shrugs and lateral raises.  [One inmate]’s favorite solution is to stack 40 or 50 National Geographic magazines in a laundry bag for bicep curls and tricep extensions" (Wade).

• Bicep Curl x 5 sets to failure
• Overhead Extensions x 5 sets to failure
• Upright Rows x 5 sets to failure

• David P. Willoughby, author of the The Super Athletes, claimed Smith was second only to the ludicrously strong Arthur Saxon in the bent press by bodyweight.    Smith put up 275.5 pounds in 1903 at a bodyweight of 168 (Wilks of 88.08, compared with a Wilks of 106.71 for Arthur Saxon), but Willoughby claimed that due to the fact it was done with a dumbbell, the weight would be more like a 313 lb bent press. Google that weird ass lift or watch this video if you don't understand why it'd be harder with a dumbbell than a barbell.
• He would routinely clean and press the 185 lb thick handled dumbbell in the picture above for sets of three or more.
• Smith picked up 1,640 pound block of iron hand-and-thigh style and held it four inches off its platform. 
• He overhead pressed a pair of dumbells weighing a total of 225 lbs.
• Smith could deadlift what was essentially a deficit pull on a thick bar of 520 pounds (the bars were thicker and the plates were smaller) at bodyweight of 160 lbs.  
• He could hang by one hand from a rope while holding a 100 lb dumbbell in his free hand.

• He could lift one of those old-school wooden barrels weighing two hundred pounds by pinch gripping the the steel straps ringing them.
• Smith could hang from a smooth-surfaced, one inch in diameter belaying pin with one hand while holding a 140 lb dumbbell in the other.
• Old-timey strongman superstar George Jowett claimed he saw a 60 year old Smith a perfect handstand using only two fingers and the thumbs of each hand.

• Two hands continental jerk
• Two hands continental press
• Two hands dead lift
• Right and left hands dead lift

The face of hate.  Did I mention he's 49 in this picture?

Driven by hate harder than a kid from Colorado in a trench coat filled with guns, Herschel spent the next summer doing thousands of pushups and situps a day, dragging sleds, sprinting and jogging, and racing a fucking freight train.  So great was his hatred that in one summer he went from being one of the worst athletes in his school to being one of the fastest kids in GA.  From there, he became  perhaps the single greatest high school running back of all time, racking up an unbelievable 3,162 yards in his senior year and probably injuring more players than any linebacker in the country.  In college, though he was one of the greatest running backs in NCAA history, Walker nearly terminated his career and joined the Marines because he hated people so much he wanted to make killing them his job.  Let that sink in- Herschel Walker was being hailed not just as the greatest collegiate running back, but the greatest college football player of all time, and he nearly quit that to slaughter random brown people with firearms because hurting people on a football field would not quench the fire of rage burning within his chest.

Had Herschel Walker joined the Marines, this would be the profile pic of every human being online in Iraq and Afghanistan today.

Luckily for the denizens of whatever nation would have seen Walker's wrath unleashed, he remained in football because the day he was to quit, he broke his trigger finger.  Thus, he went on to set the USFL on fire, then jobbed his way through the NFL a shell of his former self after averaging almost 400 carries a season for three seasons, capped off by an insane 2,411 yards on 438 carries in his third season.  After retiring from the NFL bitter as hell because he was never given his due in that league, Walker directed his hatred towards Russian Roulette and MMA, luckily winning at both (he is 2-0 in MMA with 2 wins by TKO, both at 48 years of age).  Still unsatisfied with breaking every human being he's ever met in half, Walker is contemplating a return to the NFL, claiming that he's still running a 4.3 40 yard dash, at 6'1" and 220 lbs, which would make him incredibly competitive even at age 55.

RUN THROUGH EVERYTHING STANDING IN MY WAY; RUN THROUGH EVERYONE STANDING IN MY WAY

- Lionheart

Herschel Walker isn't the only man who has benefited from the power of hate- the concept of hate as a primary motivator driving one's success is even a trope in television, print, and film.  As the author of the website TV Tropes explains, 

"Hate gives you power and fuel to move you. What you do with hate depends on who you are. Sometimes hate makes us change things because we are angry and see they don't work like this. Sometimes it makes you murder someone and makes you the villain. Sometimes, when the villain gloats at your poor dead dog, he makes a mortal enemy. Then there are the times when you are just furious at how horrible the world is and thus, with The Power Of Hate, a hero is born (or a villain)" (TV Tropes).  

Interestingly, that trope describes Walker perfectly (had he not broken his trigger finger his hate might have driven him to commit unspeakable (or unspeakably awesome, depending on your perspective)) atrocities, thereby turning him into a villain.  No matter what the outcome, however, hatred is for heroes and villains a motivator that drives them harder than a godawful John Cusack movie, and keeps them going in spite of any and all setbacks, pitfalls, or calamities.

"'positive mood impairs the performance of defensive pessimists.' When they’re in a good mood, they become complacent; they no longer have the anxiety that typically mobilizes their effort. If you want to sabotage defensive pessimists, just make them happy" (Grant).

"I had a story that happened when I was competing in Nationals in Gorko. I was just starting competing and was complacent whether I would become first or second. Then I heard from my competitor’s coach talking about me: “this trash will never become a champion.” It tipped me over. I called for a huge weight on the next attempt. Without any hesitation I nailed it like an empty bar" (Winters).

"Studies show that positive fantasies discourage achievement—when people imagine losing weight or pursing a relationship with a crush, they’re less likely to follow through. Also, people perform worse when they say “I will” than when they ask themselves, “Will I?”

At the same time, we need pessimists to anticipate the worst and prepare us all for it. On average, research indicates that people who never worry have lower job performance than those who worry from time to time. Studies also show that when entrepreneurs are highly optimistic, their new ventures bring in less revenue and grow more slowly, and when CEOs are highly optimistic, they take on more risky debt and swing for the fences more often, putting their companies in jeopardy. (This may be why there are fewer optimistic CFOs than CEOs)" (Grant).

"... his men went without mailcoats, and were as frantic as dogs or wolves; they bit their shields and were as strong as bears or boars; they slew men but neither fire nor iron could hurt them.  This is known as 'running berserk'" (Skallagrimsson, Putting on the Wolf Skin).

"I don't want to place too much importance on hot sauce, but I don't think I'm overstepping my bounds when I say hot sauce is to food what salvation is to humanity.  Bland people like bland food, and the merit of your character will ultimately be determined by your preference for spicy foods" (Maddox).

• six times more inclined to enjoy exploration, adventurous travel and action movies
• are masochists (particularly in woman)
• have higher testosterone levels
• are more aggressive and ballsy
• are filled with scorched-Earth-bringing, giant-ball-sack-creating, world-dominating testosterone

• 1 can of red beans
• 1 lb of beef stew chunks (or ground beef)
• 1 can of tomato paste
• Whole head of garlic, minced
• 1 small onion, finely chopped
• 1/2 cup of olive oil
• 1/2 teaspoon of salt (or to taste)
• 1 teaspoon of Baharat / Shawarma seasoning / or any other of a few related delicious North African and Middle Eastern spice blends.  You can get creative here, though I'd likely stick with the first two for your initial foray into this dish.
• 1 teaspoon of black pepper
• 1.5 teaspoon of ground cinnamon
• Handful of chopped fresh cilantro or 1 teaspoon of dried cilantro
• 1 cup of rice
• 1/4 cup of vermicelli (bird nest or angel hair vermicelli)
• (also pictured but inauthentic, a can of corn- for whatever reason, I love corn in my chili)

1. Heat about 4 tablespoons of olive oil in a deep pot at medium high heat.  Once the oil is popping, throw in the finely chopped onion.  Reduce the heat to Medium and stir with a wooden spoon constantly for 10 minutes.
2. Once the onions are turning pink (this should be around the aforementioned 10 minutes), add in the minced garlic and cilantro and continue stirring.  
3. Once you have the garlic and cilantro added, throw in either stew meat or ground beef.
4. Once you have that added and mixed in with the onion, garlic, and cilantro, add the salt, spice blend, pepper, and cinnamon and keep stirring until the meat is browned.  
5. Add 3 cups of warm water to the meat and increase the heat to High to bring it to a boil.
6. Pour in the beans and tomato paste and turn the heat to Low, then simmer for 20-30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
7. While the chili is simmering, lightly fry the vermicelli after chopping it into 1 inch pieces in butter or oil.
8. Add the vermicelli to a rice maker with 1 cup of rice and 2 cups of water.
9. Serve the chili on top of the rice/vermicelli mix

• 2 containers of Pillsbury Crescent Roll dough
• 1 pound 90% or 93% lean beef
• 1 medium onion, finely chopped
• 1 tablespoon of minced garlic
• 1 tablespoon ground coriander
• 1 tablespoon ground cumin
• salt to taste (five to ten turns on a salt grinder)
• Pepper to taste (maybe ten turns on a pepper grinder is what I use)
• Minced peppers to taste (you're gonna have to determine this based on your love of spicy shit.  The easy way is to add a couple teaspoons of crushed red pepper).

"Bruce was forever pumping a dumbbell which he kept in the house. He had the unique ability to do several things at once. It wasn't at all unusual for me to find him watching a boxing match on TV, while simultaneously performing full side splits, reading a book in one hand and pumping the dumbbell up and down with the other. Bruce was a big believer in forearm training to improve his gripping and punching power. He was a forearm fanatic, if ever anyone came out with a new forearm course, Bruce would have to get it."

"I remember visiting the Lee household and seeing Bruce bouncing his little boy, Brandon, on his abdomen while simultaneously performing leg raises and dumbbell flyes."

1. Salt is your friend.  It's possible to overdo it, so just add it gradually as you go.  Don't go all fucking Mrs. Dash on me- there are better ways to get your potassium and salt tastes WAY better.
2. Heat is your friend.  Everyone's afraid to cook on high heat, but provided you actually pay attention to your food rather than fucking around on Facebook, you'll get a nice crust on your steak and it won't taste like grey horsemeat.
3. Make a list of four dishes you fucking LOVE (and that fit your macros) and practice them until you can make them without much measuring or looking at the recipe.

Creepy does not even begin to describe this picture, but this even this weird fucker can cook.

Trust me when I say that cooking is way easier than you think it is- you just need to apply the same discipline to it that you do lifting and you'll be more golden than Dusty Rhodes' son.  So, with that, let's get on to the good stuff.

"There emerges a picture of plain living society scattered over much Europe north of the Alps, dining most days on bread, water, or ale, and a companaticum (that which goes with the bread) from the cauldron, the original stockpot or pot-au-fait that provided an ever-changing broth enriched daily with whatever was available.  The cauldron was rarely emptied out except in preparation for the meatless week of Lent, so that while a hare, hen, or pigeon would give it a fine meaty flavor, the taste of salted pork or cabbage would linger for days, even weeks.  Except in really hard times, this system meant that there was generally something hot and filling to eat, even if it was no more than a soup thick with shreds of past dinners" (Tannahill 94-95).  

"But the cauldron remained the central and essential feature of the northern kitchen until the eighteenth century, and it was the cauldron that dictated how the majority of everyday foods should be cooked.  In America the cauldron (known as the 'kettle') was still the single most important and expensive item in the settles' baggage during the westward expansion of the nineteenth century" (Tannahill 97).

"The making of good burgoo... is even more difficult than the roasting of the meat and requires more time.…Its ingredients are 400 pounds of beef, six dozen chickens, four dozen rabbits, thirty cans of tomatoes, twenty dozen cans of corn, fifteen bushels of potatoes, and five bushels of onions." 

• Brown the meat in a frying pan using a couple of tablespoons of olive oil.  I chop my ground beef as finely as possible, because it gave a nice contrast to the size of the stew meat.  
• Dice your potatoes however you like them- I wanted mine small because I had some rice to throw the stew over and I figured it'd all just meld nicely.  The whole point of this recipe is that you make it however you like it, so you can experiment and find out how you like it best.
• Once that's done, just dump all of the ingredients in a pot and simmer it for an hour.  If you're new to cooking, just put the temperature dial on 2.
• Rock out with your cock out and eat.  I threw some diced jalapenos and habeneros on top and then threw the whole thing over rice.  Everyone does their own thing with burgoo- doesn't matter if you top the stuff with a dead blackbird you found in your backyard... which is incidentally one of the legends of the origins of burgoo.

• Chicken, young or old
• Beef, tender or tough
• Salt pork (plenty of salt)
• Mutton (made from sheep)
• Potatoes (commonly called “spuds”)
• Carrots, turnips, tomatoes, green corn (and other vegetables)
• Take an ax (or similar device) and chop all into fine particles (more or less), throw entire mixture into a large receptacle and coil until all the ingredients are tender (the meat especially). Serve while steaming hot.

"I suggest training delts by themselves so you can focus 100% of your mental and physical strength to this body part, which, in all honestly, can't be too big," says Strydom. "I like to punish my shoulders to the max. Sometimes I train them for 45 minutes, other times it will take two hours. Delts can take a lot of beating and a lot of volume. To get them to grow, you have to keep going until you cannot put a shaker cup to your mouth."

• Respiratory: Pulmonary edema, cancer
• Cardiovascular: Heart inflammation
• Neurological: Reduced oxygen flow, headache, neuron death, encephalopathy, impaired memory, insomnia, disorientation, loss of coordination; tumors in both central and peripheral nervous system
• Gastrointestinal: Liver damage, liver cancer, vital hepatitis, parasite infestation
• Urinary: Kidney damage and tumors
• Reproductive and Developmental: infertility, teratogenic, abnormal growth and development in children
• Endocrine: Tumors and cancer
• Blood: Blood and bone cancers
• Immune: Immunosuppression, autoimmune reactions and allergies
• Other: Mitochondrial malfunction, interference with protein and RNA synthesis, apoptosis (cell death)

"The spirit by which most teachers are driven is dismally poignant proof of [this phenomenon].  Licked into shape, they themselves lick into shape at best: tailored, they tailor.... It is not knowledge that needs to be inculcated, it is the personality that needs to be drawn out of itself" (Stirner).

"The emphasis on maximum disfigurement, on severing bodily parts, made this fighting style unique. Amid the general mayhem, however, gouging out an opponent's eye became the sine qua non of rough-and-tumble fighting, much like the knockout punch in modern boxing. The best gougers, of course, were adept at other fighting skills. Some allegedly filed their teeth to bite off an enemy's appendages more efficiently. Still, liberating an eyeball quickly became a fighter's surest route to victory and his most prestigious accomplishment. To this end, celebrated heroes fired their fingernails hard, honed them sharp, and oiled them slick. 'You have come off badly this time, I doubt?' declared an alarmed passerby on seeing the piteous condition of a renowned fighter. 'Have I,' says he triumphantly, shewing from his pocket at the same time an eye, which he had extracted during the combat, and preserved for a trophy." 

"Circuit Court Judge Aedamus Burke barely contained his astonishment while presiding in South Carolina's upcountry: 'Before God, gentlemen of the jury, I never saw such a thing before in the world. There is a plaintiff with an eye out! A juror with an eye out! And two witnesses with an eye out!" If the "ringtailed roarers" did not actually breakfast on stewed Yankee, washed down with spike nails and Epsom salts, court records from Sumner County, Arkansas, did describe assault victims with the words, "nose was bit." The gamest "gamecock of the wilderness" never really moved steamboat engines by grinning at them, but Reuben Cheek did receive a three-year sentence to the Tennessee penitentiary for gouging out William Maxey's eye" (Gorn)

First, shuffle a full deck of cards (Jokers included). Black cards mean squats and red cards mean push-ups.

Every time you deal a black card, you do twice the amount of repetitions as the face value of the dealt card. This means, if you get a black 8, you do 16 squats. If you get a black Ace, you do 22 squats.

Spades are regular Hindu Squats, Clubs are Jumper Squats. The first Joker you pull means you do 40 hindu-squats consecutively.

Every time you get a red card, you do push-ups. This time you do the actual value of the face card. If you get a red 8, you do 8 push-ups. If you get a red Ace, you do 11 push-ups.

Diamonds are regular Hindu Push-Ups, Hearts are 1/2 Moon Push-Ups. The second Joker you pull means you do 20 push-ups consecutively.

Follow this with a 3-minute wrestler's bridge with the best form possible (Gotch's Bible).

Like Dennis Reynolds of It's Always Sunny, Burns (L) seemed to prefer the "Jesus on the cross look", whereas his protege Gotch actually looked like he could do an unaided pushup without passing out from malnourishment.

"The question of what to eat is not so important as what NOT to eat.  To overeat and clog the system with too much food or with food that is harmful, is weakening and prevents development of strength and health.  In fact overeating invites disease, for the overloaded stomach and intestines are sluggish, give off poisonous matter to surrounding tissues, and often results in sever complications, cause fatty degeneration, and open up a rich field for disorder and disease."

"I therefore advise the students to eat plenty of good plain food, yet not too much.... Among the things to avoid are: All liquors, very little tea or coffee or better not any, tobacco, highly seasoned foods, and all kinds of fat meat and sweets.

Stale bread or toast is better than fresh bread.  Eat plenty of fresh vegetables, and a reasonable quantity of lean meats, fish or chicken.  Fresh ripe fruits are fine food and should be used liberally.  Eggs are especially recommended, boiled or poached, and nothing is better than one or two raw eggs every day" (Burns 21).

"Running must be a part of the program of any man who expects to become a good all-round athlete.  It is the great developer of "WIND" and you must have "wind" to endure long contests.  WIND is another name for ENDURANCE.  I have won dozens of matches by sizing up my opponent, deciding that he was not in perfect condition, and then allow him to work on me until he was exhausted and "winded" and puffing, when I could throw him with ease.

Start running every day if possible.  This applies to the student who is exercising for health and physical culture practices, as well as to those who are studying to become professional wrestlers.

At first jog along for a few blocks until you are quite tired and are "puffing" considerably.  Do not overdo the matter.  Gradually increase day by day until you can run a half mile, then a mile, then longer distances.  I can run two to three miles without inconvenience, at the age of fifty-two, and I believe this is one of the very greatest reasons that I have retained my strength and endurance.

Begin the running now, and keep it up.  The best time to run is in the early morning, but if you cannot take the time then, do your running in the evening, before eating, or late after your supper is digested.  A bath should of course follow the run, then take a brisk rub-down and you will feel fine and enjoy living (Burns 29).